I want my superman back. Please...

For the past 6 months, she has been crying everyday, without fail. Everyday. She isn't crying deliberately, who would be stupid enough to cry deliberately? Furthermore, it is a minimum of twice a day. Go calculate yourself how much tears she has been shedding in just the past 6 months? Probably enough to fill quite a number of African kids' water bottle. Even a leaky water tap wouldn't want to be dripping water constantly. What more a human, who is very much alive even though life is like a living hell without superman? She can't die because if she does, what about her parents who love her so dearly? It's all right if the world is unfair to her, but she can't make the world unfair for her parents. That would be a heinous crime. One which even she wouldn't forgive herself for.

Her mother often asks her, 'What are you doing in the toilet? You take a whole hour to shower. Waste water you know!' She replies her mother, 'Showering lah! What more can I do in a toilet? Besides, shit that is.' In actual fact, she only takes 10-15 minutes to shower, the rest of the 45-50 minutes is spent sitting on the bathroom floor crying. As the water run past her, they wash her tears away, yet the tears seem as though they weren't willing to ever stop. She faces a blank wall and she screams silently. As she mouths all the vulgarities she can think of, all she hopes is that through this, she can stop hurting, she can stop crying, she can stop thinking about superman, she can somehow stop loving superman. But obviously, it isn't working. Because she still loves superman. And, she loves him alot alot alot. So much that she never knew about it initially, and when she found out, she was surprised - surprised by how much she actually loves superman, it was more than she can ever imagine.

Every night, her father never fails to walk in to check on his precious daughter. If she was in bed already, he would check the windows and make sure that they were closed properly, then he would walk to her bed, pull her blanket up a little higher and tuck her in, making sure that she was kept warm in her chilly air-conditioned room. Then he would walk with very light footsteps to the door, and while closing the door, he made sure that he did it very softly because he didn't want to wake her up. What he never knew was that she never asleep. She was always awake when he walked in. She was lying in bed, crying silently. Her tears dampened her bedsheets, her blanket, her pillow. But she couldn't care about them, all she had in mind was to cry all her pain away, yet the pain was so stubborn, because it never grew less. It was as painful as it was when superman left 6 months ago. Eventually, she cried herself to sleep. By the time she fell asleep, it was already 4AM in the morning, and she had to wake up at 6AM if it was a school day. On worst nights, it is as if crying to sleep isn't bad enough, she dreamt about superman. She would get startled awake when superman disappeared from her dreams all of a sudden. For the first few seconds, she would think, where did superman go to? Why did he suddenly disappeared? And then reality hit her, superman left long ago. Superman left 6 months ago. Then her vision would get blurry, she could feel her cheeks getting wet again, her pillow being dampened once again by her tears. She was crying again. In 2 hours, she cried twice. When her mother walked in at 6AM to wake her up, she never knew that her daughter had cried the night before. Her daughter made sure her parents never knew about her crying. She always made sure to do it silently because the last thing she had in mind, was making her parents worry for her.

However, no matter how brilliantly she tries to make sure that when she cries, her parents are either busy watching the television or they are asleep already, at times, they walk in on her at a wrong timing. She would turn away, hastily wipe the tears away, and add a cheery tone to her voice such that it didn't sound like she was crying when they walked in. Now, she is even capable of forcing a laughter out of herself, making jokes which didn't seem all that funny to her, but she knew that the jokes would make her parents laugh. And when they walked out, the tears would surface again immediately, staining her spectacles, wetting her cheeks. Hearing her parents' laughter was all that mattered. Not letting them worry for her was the most important thing. The last thing she had in mind, was her parents knowing that their precious daughter is crying everyday, twice a day at least, because of superman.

The love she feels for superman, is more than what anyone can ever imagine. As corny as it sounds, she feels as though she was born into this world to love superman. All she wants is to love superman, with all the love that is meant for him only. It isn't like she hadn't tried hating superman. She did, she even came up with a childish revenge plot which she gave up on because she simply loved him far too much to take any silly revenge. It isn't like she didn't try liking someone else. She did, but it just felt wrong, because she knew that deep inside her, the one she love is superman, and not that guy who is better than him in so many terms. If she could measure the love she had for superman, then anything else in this world which is measurable will become immeasurable.

- What did I do to make you love me so much?
- Nothing, shouldn't you know that better now? If not, why would I have started loving you since we were 7 when you did nothing at all.
- That is illogical.
- Love is illogical.
- But you are crying at least twice a day because of this love.
- You are putting a definition to my love. However, love cannot be defined. Thus, my crying has nothing to do with love.

Get it? Love cannot be defined. If you can stick a definition to it, then it isn't love.. Superman, why am I the one suffering from your mistakes? Why is it that even though you've changed, the one benefitting from the change isn't me? Yet I am still the one suffering from your change? Why am I the one suffering..? Why do I love you so much still?

And there are no answers to any of the above questions. Every question is still an unresolved mystery.

No comments