My dream

It's currently 00:11, I turned in early tonight/last night. Anyway, yeah I had a dream, which was kinda freaky because it seemed a little like inception. If it wasn't for the fact that I knew that what we dream of mostly comes from what we think about in the daytime or before we sleep, I would have honestly thought that they were events that would be coming true in the future.

Firstly, I guess I can finally truly say that my heart has healed. It no longer feels.. broken, shattered nor torn. It finally feels like a whole again. I'm glad that it has finally gotten better. I swear that I'm gonna be smart and wise this time round and protect it properly!!! Heart, 사랑해요!!! *Muacks muacks muacks!*

Secondly, my inception-like dream. I seriously had a dream in a dream in a dream k!!! I was like "woah!" when I woke up due to my daily 00:00 alarm and thought back about what I was dreaming of. This is what happened: I was in my second dream (I think) and I was thinking about my third dream and another dream that I had in the past. I dreamt that I had somehow gotten Gwen's Blackberry (note: I think she uses an iPhone la!!! Don't even know why I fell for that dream! Must be because I was too deep in my dreams.. Usually if it was my first dream, I would have a better grasp of my senses and logic and pull out of the dream instantaneously) and it had her pictures taken with 6H and with him. I was cursing through my teeth and making pfft-ing noises with my tongue, as I deleted her photos and tried to insert apps which I liked, he came into my mind. (second note: the blackberry that I held in my hands in my dream had a metal dashboard and it's damn stupid because I know that blackberry doesn't use metal for it and, I COULD EVEN SEE THAT IT WAS SILVER!!!! I swear I'm damn stupid!) Then thought about my upcoming future of being a superstar, then I was suddenly striked by the thought of how he had called and texted me last time, saying how he still loved me and has intentions to be with me again if possible.. Then I got stumped. (note: Everything that he has supposedly done ie. the calling/texting/ILU, is being dreamt up by me. They aren't real. Yes I know my dreams are insane. Which is why I said that my mind is awesome, it can recall past dreams while I'm dreaming. Wow.) What was I going to do about him? How can I leave him? What about him? As I pondered about that in my dream, I heard the sound of a harp in the distance, I recognised it as my daily 00:00 alarm and pulled out of all my dreams immediately... and yeah. I woke up.

What I'm trying to say here is: If my interpretation of my heart, my thoughts and my dreams are correct, I think I've finally forgiven him for what he has did. 2 years ago, I told him that I have already forgiven him when I actually hadn't, I mean how could anyone forgive their boyfriend/girlfriend for cheating on them so quickly! To have done such an incorrigible and immoral thing, is already an outrageous act! I did that because 1) I didn't want to lose him. 2) I couldn't find a hint of anger... Not that it wasn't there, it was there but not in the form of fury but rather anguish. I couldn't recognise that sort of anger so I misinterpreted it as not being mad and not hating him. Yes, I hated him, thoroughly. But I don't anymore. After such a long time, the hatred I had for him melted a little and all that I think of were the good times with him.

This reminds me of a song that I heard in the korean drama series "Dream High".
Taecyeon & Nichkhun (2PM) feat. JYP: My Valentine

한국어 (Hangul)
Honey you’re my Valentine
언제까지나 너는 나의 사랑
Honey you’re my Valentine
너는 날 떠났지만 그래도 내 사랑

이제는 널 생각해도 아프지가 않아
너를 미워했던 감정들이 조금씩 녹아
좋았었던 기억들만 다시 생각이 나
더 이상 니가 밉지 않아

(함께 했던 시간들이) 너무나 꿈같아)
(다시는 오지 않겠지) 니가 아니면

난 몰랐을거야. 정말 몰랐을거야.
그래서 너에게 고마워

Honey you’re my Valentine
언제까지나 너는 나의 사랑
Honey you’re my Valentine
너는 날 떠났지만 그래도 내 사랑

니가 첨 떠났을 때 정말 너무 아팠어
너무 아파 니가 미웠지만
시간이 갈수록 상처는 아물고 추억들은 커져

조금씩 미소를 찾게 됐어, Oh Yeah

(함께 했던 시간들이) 이제는 소중해
(다시는 오지 않겠지) 너 때문에
나는 느껴본거야 사랑이 무언지
그래서 너에게 고마워

Honey you’re my Valentine
언제까지나 너는 나의 사랑
Honey you’re my Valentine
너는 날 떠났지만 그래도 내 사랑

울며 널 붙잡는 나를 버리고 떠났던 니 모습
멀어져 가던 뒷모습
바라보면서 과연 습관처럼 베어버린 널 지울 수 있을까

난 언젠가 너를 떠올려도 웃을 수 있을까,
그땐 자신이 없었어, 니가 너무나 미웠어.
하지만 시간이 지나니 생각이 조금씩 바꼈어.
이제 미소를 지으면서
I’m thinkin’ about you all the time
and I realized that you will always be my valentine

Honey you’re my Valentine
언제까지나 너는 나의 사랑
Honey you’re my Valentine
너는 날 떠났지만 그래도 내 사랑

Honey you’re my Valentine
언제까지나 너는 나의 사랑
Honey you’re my Valentine

너는 날 떠났지만 그래도 내 사랑

Honey you are my valentine
You’re my love forever
Honey you are my valentine
You’re still my love even if you’ve left me

It doesn’t hurt anymore when I think of you
The hatred towards you melted a little bit
I think only about nice memories
I don’t hate you anymore
The time we’ve spent together feels like a dream
They’re not coming back, right?
If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t know, I really wouldn’t know
So thank you

Honey you are my valentine
You’re my love forever
Honey you are my valentine
You’re still my love even if you’ve left me

I was really hurt when you left me
I was hurt, and I hated you, but as the time goes by
The wound heals and the memories grow bigger
And I’m able to smile again
The time we’ve spent together
It won’t come back in the same precious way, right?
Because of you I was able to feel what love is
So I thank you
Honey you are my valentine
You’re my love forever
Honey you are my valentine
You’re still my love even if you’ve left me

I cried trying to stop you,
watching you leave me
You were like a habit,
like a painful cut,
will I be able to erase you?
Will I be able to smile again when I see you?
Back then I wasn’t confident enough
I hate you, but as the time went by my thoughts have changed
I’m thinkin’ about you all the time
I realized that you’ll always be my valentine

Honey you are my valentine
You’re my love forever
Honey you are my valentine

You're still my love even if you've left me

I have been blocking him out of my mind, controlling my thoughts precariously as I know the logic 'thoughts become things'. What I hadn't know was, albeit I was forcing myself to not think about him consciously, I was thinking about him subconsciously. I hadn't realise that till tonight, when this happened. I started thinking back, why am I dreaming about him? I didn't think about him before I slept and I definitely didn't think about him in the daytime... or did I?

As sensibility started creeping in, I began reproaching myself for having been so silly and frankly, I wondered why was I so surprisingly ready to murder my own heart again after it had at long last healed? I don't think I would want to answer that question.

Fret not, I haven't relapsed (seriously, what a word?!) and am well aware that dreams are dreams. I wouldn't go back on my word as my passion stands in the way. As like what I told one of you, I had often wondered why is it that I had to spend a decade of my life on him, and it was until recently that I had acquired the answer. A person who hasn't loved before cannot sing.

In hindsight, I'm just very glad that my heart has finally healed and I have forgiven him. That's all. (:

I should be asleep..

Today is one of those rare days when I actually turn my laptop on to do something other than watching videos. Oh and you might have noticed, I finally made the effort to switch my blog template. I still need Bestie's help to tweak it a little because I honestly suck at HTML and I did most of it with just pure luck. It is insanely floral-patterned but I suppose it makes a good change as compared to my usual white-only theme.

I'm messing up my plans badly and neither have I been keeping to my 2012 resolution. It feel as though... something is missing. Change is missing.

And it is far time that I do something about it.

It is currently 3.32AM and I am about to set my life back on its tracks.

There I was looking through my Facebook news feed earlier on -- anyone who knows me well enough knows that I get a repulsive feeling when it comes to Facebook thus I hardly spend more time than necessary on that website. I looked through a couple of my friends' pages and wow.. while I have been isolating myself from the rest of the world, the world has certainly changed a lot. I recall some of the comments that I mumbled/snickered as I scrolled down the page with earnest curiosity: "Wow! They are still together?!", "Ha! No wonder she hasn't been replying my text messages! New boyfriend..", "Seriously?! Married?!! Since when?!", "Mmm? New boyfriend/girlfriend? Again?", "Aww.. So sweet! So adorable!", "Eew!!! Total mismatch!"... How long has it been since I last exposed myself to the idea of being tied down by matters of the heart? A very long time...

Once bitten, twice shy. My obstinate decision to avoid dealing with any possible messy dramas has nothing to do with the bet that I have with Sin Hui, since I (and her too, which is probably why she so daringly dared me to have that bet with her!) know that if I set my mind to something, I wouldn't care about anything else. I would do anything to make it work now, and for the rest of my life. That is how I am. Hence when it gets screwed up, not because I didn't put any effort to it but rather due to other factors, I get totally fucked up and torn apart. I'll scream and cry till the world goes down. That's a metaphor by the way.

"Always remember in order to be strong, you have to do the things that your heart doesn't want you to do but your brain tells you!"

For the past 1 year, I have been strictly following my brain. I have up to 6 notes in my phone, filled with inspirational quotes, constantly reminding me to never look back, to be strong, to not fall in love. They remind me of what I went through, what I should fear, what I have to do, why I am alone now. I worked hard to fully live a life of a 19 years old, afterall everyone only gets one shot at life. You either do it, or you miss it. My life was stagnant for 2 years, I hardly grew (mentally) at all when I was dating him. To be frank, I switched off my brain and couldn't be more stupid. Sin Hui was at my place last Friday and we had a heart-to-heart talk, I mentioned to her about that point and she said: "Yeah. Glad you finally noticed it. Back then, I thought I almost lost you there." I now see the importance of finding someone whom I can grow with, and it can't be any more obvious, he isn't that someone.

And no, I'm not smitten about him anymore. I'm just saying it.

I will be 20 years old this year and unfortunately, I don't feel like a 20-year old kid at the moment. I still feel 19. Well technically there isn't anything wrong with that since I officially turned 19 just a couple of months ago, but yeah... mismatch! I need change. Like a huge one. I can't afford to wait all the way till April when school starts for me again. That would be too long and too far away. I need one now. Obviously getting more polishes aren't gonna help, but yes I'm still getting all the ones on my wishlist! And neither is shopping for more clothes nor a movie/drama marathon. I need something.. physical. Hee!


I was told:
"When you're afraid to do something, chances are, it's exactly the thing you should be doing."

I know what I should be doing.. But if only it was as easy as it seems. Sometimes I wish that I don't think so much and view life through a simpler set of eyes. There is so much to take into consideration, so much to calculate, so much to ponder over. Then again, if everything was that simple to me, then I wouldn't be asking for the best.

"To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often."

I'll go with the flow. What comes will eventually arrive, what goes can never be retained. Too much thinking for tonight, especially at this time of the night. I have work tomorrow, I have yet to mark one of the kid's work, I have got food for thought.

P.S. I need a break and I want some time for myself. (Just saying)

Like vs. Love

I want to stick a disclaimer to the beginning of this piece: I am not an expert on the subject of love or relationships.

I am just a normal young woman, like many of you, who still hasn’t found her true love. I have had my share of bad boys, nice boys, middling boys…and just boys. I have dated, had relationships, broken up, been broken up with, been mucked around and mucked someone around as much as the next girl.

The difference between like and love is a murky one. It’s like asking someone if their cup of tea is sweet enough. How do you know it’s sweet enough? Who defines sweet ‘enough’? What is ‘sweet’ and what’s not anyway? As you can see, there’s a whole other philosophical network of questions that springs up when one asks a question like this.

How do you know whether you love someone or just really, really like them?

The word ‘love’ is bantered around so much nowadays. There are the shallow ‘sweety-darling’ crowds who say they absolutely love everything, there are girls and guys who fall in love at the drop of a hat – often with an attractive stranger they met on the bus only to find out three months down the road that he/she is a stripper/Hyde & Jekyll/porn star or just plain weird.

People who fall in love at first sight might show the most passion of any couple you see on the street, but they are also the ones forming the high divorce rates we see nowadays.

On the other extreme, there are those who don’t believe in love. They’re the sciencey crowds who claim that love is a load of gibberish and that it’s all pheromones working in overdrive. They analyse everything to death and come to the conclusion that love is a mutually agreed upon illusion.

So with all these contradictory theories floating around, how does a girl know she’s found ‘True Love’? Does it even exist? I don’t know about you but if it does, I’m personally kinda wishing some of that fairy dust will blow in my direction.

So I decided to ask the longest-lasting couple I know: my parents.

“Dad”, I said over the phone. “What’s love?” This surprised my father to no end – I have a very good relationship with my father, but he’s a bloke. We skip around the subject of emotions except when he chokes back a manful tear or two at important occasions.

After spluttering for a few minutes, he told me calmly that to him, love is a choice. “You have to make a decision every day of your life to stay with that person, through good or bad, even if you don’t feel like you love them anymore…because you’re not always going to. Sometimes, you won’t even like them…but for me, it was worth it”.

It was then that the light came on, I realised he was right. The difference between love and like, to me, is this: Love is a commitment that you make. Like isn’t secondary to love, in fact, like is essential to love.

You like hanging out with someone, spending time with them, you like what they wear, how they do their hair, the little wrinkle they get between their eyes when they’re mad, or they way they curl their lip when trying not to laugh. But like can be fickle. It is based on mere feelings, and no real intention. It’s easy to say goodbye to someone you simply like – because you believe there are others out there just like or better than them.

Herein lies the difference between like and love.

Love is choosing to be with someone – as one wise friend said, forsaking all others. Love is seeing someone for who they are, baggage, bad hair and all, and still being able to look them in the eye and say: “I love you”. Love is acceptance, understanding, patience, friendship, endurance…all those things that sound so boring when you’re 18 and horny but that suddenly becomes so important when you come ‘of age’.

How do you know whether you love someone or just really like them? Ask yourself this – if they were involved in a terrible car accident tomorrow and became crippled, would you stay with them? If your answer is a sincere yes from the heart, then congratulations, you’re in love.

If it’s no, then you’re not…and that’s ok too – you might just need more time. I will tell you why this answer is so important – love means compromise, caring about the welfare of the other person as much as your own.

Love requires trust – and the most basic foundation of trust in a relationship is knowing that your partner will not leave you, no matter what happens. There are always going to be others more attractive, more intelligent, maybe even more compatible, others that you are attracted to. But love means you’ve committed to a choice and you need to follow through and see where it takes you.

This is why most people who have been in love say it takes time. The true test of love lies in what happens after infatuation fades and passion settles.

True love does exist. And it isn’t boring, or scary or impossible to find. It’s out there – if you’re brave enough to look, and strong enough to let yourself fall.

Karen Tay

My mind is very very fuzzy right now. I feel as though I might just blow apart with all the thoughts and memories and realisation and reminders of what I already know/have realised. I need to cool down.

Fuzzy mind, blank nails

I haven't painted my nails properly for a very long time. The last time that I did a close-to-satisfactory nail job was when I did for myself a white base-rainbow konadicure. I have a total lack of inspiration for my nails and my polish, which is bad – very very bad.

You're probably wondering why I'm talking about nails, since there can't be a more bimbotic topic for a person to ever blog about. Well for one, my nails depict my mood, my thoughts, my emotions. Right now, or perhaps I should say that it has been for quite some time already, they're all in a jumbled mess, thus I can't seem to pick out a shade to paint my nails because that attraction to a certain colour just isn't there. My love for polishes is still there, as after seeing the swatches for the OPI Holland collection, I pretty much noted down all the shades under my to-buy list. Same goes for the CG Magnetix collection and Essie Navigate Her collection. It's just that... I don't feel a connection to any colour anymore. I agree that they are pretty but none of them can define me at this moment. Sorry to add in this minor point which is absolutely bimbotic but it is a necessity to throw it in at this very moment, this is why I need more polishes!!!

I haven't counted my polish bottles for a very long time. Much less cleaned them – world's most arduous task is to clean every single freaking bottle in my nail lacquer collection! The last time I counted with one of my cousins, the number was 83. I think it should be more than 120 now.. since my big aunt just bought for me 23 bottles? Love her so much for it!

I just want back my fetish for my polishes. I want to get excited when it comes to painting my nails. I want to anticipate painting my nails, be it with a new shade or my favourite shade.

I guess this is all happening because my mind is all messed up. I can't seem to figure out what it wants, or to be specific, what I want. I suppose I should spend more time with myself. I remember how I used to always paint pinks and creams and all the other pastel colours, because they were considered to be "safer" choices and that I could pull them off the best. Then somehow I decided to try this particular blue shimmer one day.. I admit that it wasn't a shade that was suitable for me. I remember how everyone exclaimed at it and at my boldness. I remember how Jansen picked up my hand and examined my nails closely and carefully, then he said "Why didn't you paint a pink shade? I think that it would suit you better." FYI, I was wearing a white dress that night and hence my blue nails clashed with my attire. I answered him, "I just wanna try something new, something different, something out of the blue."

That night I could have worn something other than that white dress I guess, since anyone with proper fashion logic can tell that it is a total mismatch. However, I just had that crazy idea and wanted so badly to go ahead with it. I was tired of being who people perceived me to be, ie. the pretty girl in the pretty white dress. I wanted something different, I wanted to tell people that I'm different. I'm odd, but it makes me unique. And what better way to show it than to stick to my decision of wearing a white dress albeit I had striking blue nails on. It couldn't have defined my thoughts any better than words.

"You can force me to be whom you wish to perceive me as, however you cannot change who I truly am."

I am tired. Tired of things which I cannot speak of. This seem to be like a battle that has no foreseeable ending, a war without an end. Nonetheless I'm often told, with hope and faith in my heart, miracles will happen. I have no wish for a definite certain miracle, all I ask for is a miracle.

Remember, you can do so much better than this. Your journey doesn't end here, so don't let it end here.