Finding comfort within loneliness

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Ally walked aimlessly around the shopping mall, with her earphones stuck in her ears, blasting her own songs. She had confidence in her disguise — no one would recognise her. When was the last time that she had experienced such freedom? Then again, why does this "freedom" feel so different now? Is this freedom or loneliness? She couldn't tell the difference between the two.

She walked past several retail outlets, walked into a couple of them but came out still with empty hands. Was it that she had lost her hobby of shopping, or that she just isn't in the mood to shop? Is there even such a thing as a 'shopping' mood? She couldn't figure out the answer. She continued walking. Then she remembered, there is an ice-cream parlor here... Ice-cream, the only other thing than music that would ease her soul. Slowly, she made her way towards it.

She reached the parlor, asked for a seat for one, walked in and went towards a silent corner of the cafe. She stared at the menu and placed an order for a Steak and Mushroom pie and an English Breakfast Tea. As she sat there waiting for her order to arrive, she wondered... Whatever happened to my initial decision to have ice-cream? She chuckled silently at her fickle mind. A waiter interrupted her thoughts.

"Excuse me Miss, but we've ran out of Steak and Mushroom Pie. Would the Classic Chicken do?"

She hesitated for awhile and then nodded her head. All she wanted was some quiet time alone. She wanted to cherish every minute of this while it still lasted. She didn't want to remember how everything will come to an end when it was time for her to revert back to her actual life.. of what laid ahead waiting for her. Yes, it is glorious but tiring as well. Nonetheless, it was a path that she had chosen herself. One which she will never regret.

Once again, the waiter interrupted her thoughts as she placed Ally's order on the circular table infront of her. The waiter gave Ally a slight smile before making her way back to the kitchen counter.

Ally ran her hands through the packets of sugar arranged in a delicate straw-weaved basket placed before her, reached for a packet of brown sugar, tore one of its corners and watched as the golden crystals glistened before they disappeared beneath the pool of amber.

Turtles

Monday, March 12, 2012

I promise that I will sleep early tonight. In fact, I will go to bed right after I am done with this entry. I have been blogging excessively lately. Good for you peeps, I suppose.

I went for a wedding dinner tonight (let's just pretend that it is still the 12th of March) and on my way back from Mandarin Oriental Hotel, my dad told us a story. It goes like this:

Back in the old days, my grandfather (ie. my dad's dad) used to rear baby turtles for sales. It was still legal then. My grandfather's 2nd elder brother (whom in other words, is my granduncle) would import turtle eggs from Taiwan, pass them to my grandfather and told him to rear them. He did not give my grandfather any money to rear the eggs, so all the food and housing supplies were all paid for by my grandfather. When the eggs hatched, each baby turtle was sold for S$3 (which was a lot back then as the Singapore currency was still cheap then). My grandfather earned tens of thousands of dollars from his sales. For some unknown reason why, instead of opening a bank account of his own to store the money, my grandfather passed the money to my granduncle and told him to help store it in his bank account first. Some time passed, my grandfather decided to move house and needed money to build a house at the land that he had purchased. He went to my granduncle to retrieve his money back. Well, all of you can probably guessed what happened next: my grandfather didn't get his money back, my granduncle had spent it all. Therefore to build the house, my grandfather had to borrow money from his mother-in-law.

By the way, the house was a beautiful one. Most houses could only afford concrete floors during the 20th century, however my grandfather's house had tiled floors and tiled walls. Yes, we were very well-to-do. To fully describe and explain what happened to all that money would be a lengthy tale, thus I will summarise it up into a few sentences: my grandfather is a man with a kind soul, ready to do anything for people and hence he was always taken advantage of, even by his closest kins -- his brothers.

Back to the main context of this entry, my dad's story. As my dad finished telling his tale, he gave my sister and I a piece of good advice: The nature of a human can never be changed, thus if you have been bitten once, do not be stupid enough to fall for the same trap twice. Stay away from people whom you know will never do you any good. They aren't worth knowing and definitely not worth acquainting.

In this scenario, my dad was referring to my granduncles. Yes they are that bad. They were horrible to my grandfather. They often made use of him. Out of respect for my elders, I will not use any improper words to adequately describe them. However for those who know me very well, you might probably be able to guess all the words that I would have been spouting out loud. *AHEM!*

I hate people who hurt me deliberately. If you do it once, I will take it as a non-offensive mistake made. If you do it twice, thrice and a couple more times, it is needless to point out that you are a repeat offender. One who is bound to do me no good.

Liars... they are often the sort of people who would hurt others repeatedly. They create more lies for their lies, oh and wait, there is something interesting about those newly lies created! They aren't called "lies". They have a very fancy term. Wanna guess what it is? Yeap, the word is "excuses". Omission of truth is considered as a form of lie as well. Lying is when you are not frank. People make it seem like a very complicated issue, however we all know.. it is as simple as abc. *inserts smiley face*

2 days ago, I decided to review my past entries in my private blog. The blog was created during the timing when my past relationship was in a major jeopardy. It was created to dictate my thoughts and to aid myself in retaining my sanity while dealing with all the trash that was happening. For the past nights, I would read as much as my brain could deal with. In total for the past 2 nights, I read a total of... 5 entries. Yes, it is that minimal. There were too much memorial and emotional recollection to handle. Point-to-note: I have decided to stop the reviewing. It got too painful. Remembering all those things... it felt strange. I was viewing not as someone who went through it, but rather from the eyes of a third party. I'm assuming that my brain went into defensive mode and through these past 2 years, it has adequately proven its services well by blocking those painful memories out. Thus I feel like someone who has gotten through amnesia, and reading those past entries is like jabbing a needle into my brain.

Anyway, why am I bringing this up? That is because I came across something very interesting in one of my readings... Towards the second half of my past relationship, my ex-boyfriend often left out details of his day-to-day life in our almost-daily phone conversations. I had to question those details out of him. I know what is on your mind now, I'm an annoying, bitchy, irritating, have-nothing-better-to-do-or-ask girlfriend. I am probably that. I am not going to deny it. However from the stance of a girlfriend, would you not be curious to find out what your boyfriend did today? He wasn't like that during our first year together. He would share every little details of his life. From his classmates buying a large pack of condoms from the supermarket, blowing them up and send them flying down from a few levels up as though they were balloons, to minute issues like how his mom forced him to eat his vegetables during dinner that night. Eventually, I got tired of questioning him all the time so I asked him, "Why aren't you filling me in with the details of your life anymore?" His reply? "Because I think that they are not necessary or important for you to know."

Honestly, ouch! How did I respond to that hurting answer? "Oh.. okay." *slaps palm into face* I guess I can't be blamed for my response. I wasn't expecting that sort of answer and much less prepared for it. I had never come across anything like that before (back then) and I hadn't think of googling for advices or just simply more love manuals... I was doing everything by instinct. Which is pretty dumb. Please my darlings, it is not stupid to go to your nearest bookstore and buy a love-for-dummies book or any self-improvement books. It does not mean that you are psychotic or pathetic or weird or nerdy or geeky, if you do so. Those books exist for a reason and they really do help. The more points of view, the better it is for you. It is like reading other people's experiences and absorbing them as your own. It is a much better alternative as compared to having to undergo it yourself. Besides, another benefit is that you get to gain those experiences in less than a tenth of the time taken as compared to if you were to undergo it. So be smart, for your own good!

Now enough with my nagging. It should never be that case for anyone in a relationship. Nothing should be "not necessary or important for you to know". When you love someone, you share everything with them. Not because you need to, but because you should want to. Your life no longer comprises only you when you decide to invite someone else into it. Two people are now leading your life, therefore you are required to constantly take the other party into consideration, every minor choice made should be discussed, every mediocre event that took place should be shared. Yes, a relationship is a hassle. Do you know it only now?

We live in an era where relationships have been less emphasised upon as before. I have a cousin, she had her first boyfriend when she was merely 11 years old, and the relationship didn't last for just a month or two, it went on for almost about a year. Just look at that! Some of us here have never even been in a relationship before! What is becoming of us humans now? Earlier on today, I was raging to one of you on how I find it an amazement as to how people can switch boyfriends/girlfriends so easily. Do we not have a heart anymore? Or is it that we have all become robots? What is love? How many of you know dare say that you know it? I will be the first to step out front and say that I do not know what love is.

I once said that I know what love is, and I hope for all the other girls out there in the world to be able to experience that incredible sensation. I take all of those words back. Is love just about that sensation? Have we taken that L-word too lightly? How many of us are even able to fully comprehend its dictionary-definition? Just because your heart thumps like crazy when you meet someone, the sides of your lips cannot help being pulled upwards when you see someone, your eyes become binoculars-like when that someone is within your radar, blood stops flowing to your mind when you know that someone is looking in your direction... from the deepest end of my heart, I must say this: do you know that you seem like a fool? (rolls eyes) I suppose that is a needless thing to say since in this modern era, how is it that we judge ourselves as being in love? Because we act like fools. Do you not think that the criterion is a little too unsubstantial? It is not a wonder why we have high divorce rates in our century. Perhaps some of you might say, no! We have high divorce rates because women are now literate and liberalised, we know to not put ourselves in dis-favourable conditions and much less succumb to anything less than what we rightfully deserve which is in other words -- happiness. However if you were to think back.. if we all knew what love is, what the standards are, what the criterion is, would we even come up with the term "divorce"? Then again for those to exist (ie. the understanding of love, the standards of love, the criterion of love) we would all have failed to exist as the human race would have long been extinct. As the saying goes, "Love is to constantly seek for the best but never getting it. Marriage is to settle for what seems to be good."

I can go on and on with this mental debate of mine, but it would mean that I will possibly over-exert my brain for the second consecutive night which would lead to a sleepless night full of weird dreams and sights, and that tomorrow morning I would feel as though I am given access to a greater percentage of my brain and the extra mind-power generated is more than I can possibly manage. I wouldn't want to turn into a lunatic, would I? Although it would be pretty cool if I had telekinetic powers... heehee! Just saying! Also, I would be breaking my promise to turn in early tonight (if you remember, I stated it at the start of this entry).

Because this blog has been badly deprived of any pictures for the past few months, I shall be a darling and throw in some colours this time.



So true...

黄昏

Saturday, March 10, 2012

I think I finally understand why I can sing 周传雄's "黄昏" so flawlessly.. It was so brilliant yesterday night that everyone clapped. I received so many compliments, so many appraisals.. It was the last song to be sung, and I made the excellence mark required from a last song. As I packed up my things, I could hear that everyone was still humming the tune or singing the song softly. I had successfully inserted the song into their heads, that is my sign of success. Or perhaps the sign of success for every artist. You don't know why, but a song just keeps going on and on in your head. You like it, that is the reason why. Anyway I'm digressing. Too engrossed in reminiscing that moment. 我和他之间的感情.. 就如黄昏一般。

过 完 整 个 夏 天
guò wán zhěng gè xià tiān
After the whole summer,

忧 伤 并 没 有 好 一 些
yōu shāng bìng méi yǒu hǎo yī xiē
my sadness still did not improve.

开 车 行 驶 在 公 路 无 际 无 边
kāi chē xíng shǐ zài gōng lù wú jì wú biān
Driving my car on the vast, boundless roads,

有 离 开 自 己 的 感 觉
yǒu lí kāi zì jǐ de gǎn jué
I feel that I’m getting out of touch with myself.

唱 不 完 一 首 歌
chàng bù wán yī shǒu gē
The song that I could not finish singing,

疲 倦 还 剩 下 黑 眼 圈
pí juàn huán shèng xià hēi yǎn quān
Left me so tired that there are rings around my eyes.

感 情 的 世 界 伤 害 在 所 难 免
gǎn qíng de shì jiè shāng hài zài suǒ nán miǎn
It is inevitable to get hurt in the realm of love,

黄 昏 再 美 终 要 黑 夜
huáng hūn zài měi zhōng yào hēi yè
No matter how beautiful the dusk is, the dark night must follow.

依 然 记 得 从 你 口 中 说 出 再 现 坚 决 如 铁
yī rán jì de cóng nǐ kǒu zhōng shuō chū zài xiàn jiān jué rú tiě
I recall that you said, “Goodbye” with a tone of steel,

昏 暗 中 有 种 烈 日 灼 身 的 错 觉
hūn àn zhōng yǒu zhòng liè rì zhuó shēn de cuò jué
I had a delusion of being burnt by the sun in the darkening dusk.

黄 昏 的 地 平 线
huáng hūn de dì píng xiàn
The horizon at dusk,

划 出 一 句 离 别
huá chū yī jù lí bié
Drew out your line of, “Farewell.”

爱 情 进 入 永 夜
ài qíng jìn rù yǒng yè
Love plunges into eternal night.

依 然 记 得 从 你 眼 中 滑 落 的 泪 伤 心 欲 绝
yī rán jì de cóng nǐ yǎn zhōng huá luò de lèi shāng xīn yù jué
I still remember the tears falling from your desolated eyes.

混 乱 中 有 种 热 泪 烧 伤 的 错 觉
hùn luàn zhōng yǒu zhòng rè lèi shāo shāng de cuò jué
In the confusion, there is an illusion of being burnt by the hot tears.

黄 昏 的 地 平 线
huáng hūn de dì píng xiàn
The horizon at dusk,

割 断 幸 福 喜 悦
gē duàn xìng fú xǐ yuè
Severed happiness and joy.

相 爱 已 经 幻 灭
xiāng ài yǐ jīng huàn miè
Love has already been destroyed.

Destroyed.. that's what it is. Unfortunately for me, I can't seem to forget it nor you. No, I haven't relapsed. I'm just upset. If you know how I'm feeling right now, then you would understand how much that feeling sucks. I'll be better when I wake up after a good sleep. At least now I understand why I can sing this song so well... there is always a reason to everything. You've just got to source that reason out.

So now that I've finally uncovered this clue, what's next?