Happy 19th Birthday to me

Frankly, I thought that my birthday this year was gonna suck, what with grandpa being hospitalised at the moment and still in ICU, albeit I am insanely grateful that his condition is improving and hopefully he will be transferred to high dependency later in the day; and I had to cancel my own birthday party that I've been looking forward to and to top it all off, I still have work today :O

However when the clock struck 12 and my phone started vibrating consistently as my Facebook wall is being flooded with birthday wishes and my friends were sending me birthday wishes via text messages, I started having second thoughts... And hey, today might not be such a terrible day afterall. And Bestie was awesome k. He sent me a super sweet birthday message. It made me smile instantaneously. The power of words.

So, my birthday wish for 2011: For my grandfather to get better ASAP, for him to be less obstinate and to agree to go for his operation. #pleaseletthiswishcometrue

With everything that has happened in December 2011, I have gathered so many new insights and reflections, and as far as this year is concerned, I dare say that for this month, I've learnt the most amount of valuable lessons throughout the whole year. Having finally taken the last few steps of my journey and putting an end to it at long last, I look back and feel irrevocably dumb and embarrassed. Oh well, it's not like I wasn't expecting this reaction from myself.

2012 is coming. So damn excited. Woohoo!

Merry Christmas 2k11

First-ever Christmas nails that I did for myself!!!! Mad cool! Nail junkie ftw!

Food for Thought

So, I haven't been very hardworking lately with regards to blogging. I guess it is partly due to the fact that my laptop is always out in the living room connected to the large 47-inch television via the HDMI cable. Also, with my trusty white iPhone4 keeping me company 24/7, giving me access to the internet EVERYWHERE I go, I don't really need my laptop anymore, except to fulfil daily needs of movies and my weekly needs of dramas. There is no Glee this week, and TVD is on hiatus till next year 5th of January (boohoo!) so I've been sucking in a hell lot of movies lately... Competing with my dad for better internet connection. Everytime when my download speed is less than 50, I'd start ranting and whining and complaining that he is loading too many movies, WHICH HE IS! My dad can load like 20 movies at one go okay! That is how terrible he is! It's not a wonder why I had to ponder for a month before finally making my mind to introduce Funshion to him. I suppose I kinda knew that this would happen :/ Oh well...

Anyway, I napped till 12midnight earlier on and woke up to a hungry stomach. So I made myself some instant chicken porridge, which I failed to finish because there was ginger in it, screened "One Day" on my big-ass television at home, and sat down to enjoy both my supper and my movie. It ended at about 4am, which gives enough reasons as to why I am still awake at this ungodly hour of 4.33AM. The sky is currently purple with a slight tinge of pink by the way. I'd say, lovely sky. Right... What on earth am I saying? I can feel my headache creeping in again.

Watching "One Day", was brilliant. I've been catching onto so many of these kinda movies recently. Anna Hathaway is a brilliant actress by the way. She is gorgeous and a very talented actor. Among all of such movies that I've watched lately, I found myself loving the ones that she is casted in. Her movies have always got some sort of astounding moral behind them. I should probably stop digressing and get on to the main food for thought.

There are so many things going on my mind right now, and I suppose that there is quite a number that can be easily settled by simply putting them behind me and not thinking about them. Oh fyi, not every matter can be "put behind" just like that. And your relationship status is actually a factor to be considered as well, since the smallest thing can actually upturn your relationship (hey, I'm not kidding here!) and that is why I emphasise again and again that relationships are a complete hassle! Then again it's probably because I'm not FOR relationships at the moment and probably for a very long moment which might possibly last for say.. 5 years? Or probably even more? I'm prepared to die as a rich fashionable beautiful wise single old hag, and so I rest my case.

Boy am I thankful that my blog is somewhat private now. I've even activated the protection of my tweets on twitter. I guess it shows how far I'm willing to go to stay hidden. Oh wait, let me get distracted for just a couple more of minutes. I just remembered that I said I would remove all of Kenny's pictures from my photo albums on Facebook. I'll explain that in a minute, I promise. Ok, I'm back again. I have no idea why I typed all of that since when you peeps (my dearest friends who have been told this link) read this, it'll seem like everything has been done in a second. I guess I just needed to document this down or something along that line. Anyway, first the Kenny thing. Well honestly, I've forgotten that I had pictures of him in my photo albums. So much time has passed, and what with me deleting his number from my phone, blocking him on facebook, skype, msn and all other communication means, I suppose... I just forgot? So a couple of days ago, I happened to chance upon it, and out of my idiotic curiousity, I went to click on "show tags" for every one of the pictures I took with him, and I got puzzled as to why he aren't tag in any of them, then I realised that it was because I blocked him on facebook -.- I know right, retarded me. Hence I figured that since he can't see them anyway, why not just delete them, and tadah! They are all gone now!

One of the things that I had wanted to talk about today is how I came to realise that... 2011 is coming to an end. I should probably save this topic till the mid-month of December but I really wish to rave about the thoughts in my head so here goes: I can still remember vividly as how I started of 2011 — and I'll save the summary till a further later part of this ending year — and then I began to wonder what my 2012 resolution should be. Well.. I have a slight clue I suppose, but it aren't intact and I'm probably gonna wait till the clock strikes twelve again and every channel on TV, everyone goes "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" and I hope that I'll get to see some fireworks display from my living room window.. Fireworks are very important! I believe that they are what inspired my resolution for this year, and hence they will also determine my resolution for next year! And yeah, I'll wait till then and get hit with some fascinating resolution as to how I should live 2012. Oh oh! I do know one thing, 2012 = No Kenny. Yeah yeah, I know my girl peeps would be elated to know that, since I've been raving on and on about this guy and blah blah blah.. Meh whatever. I used 2011 to find myself again, and so I'll use 2012 to get on with my life without him. I did it once, I can do it again. This time, with a clearer mind and a vision in my head.

I'm not going to think about how he is lost now, and like what my sister said, he might probably never find his way back onto the right path again. I guess he stepped off that path when he.. did whatever he did, and yeah.. he isn't the decent Kenny boy that I know anymore. (Kenny boy is a nickname that my sister came up for him. They have this weird brother-sister chemistry between them that I just can never seem to understand and I thought it was pretty cute.) I can remember how he screamed at me over the phone about how he didn't worked his ass off to get me on the right path, for me to get onto the wrong path again due to a mistake he made. And so as soon as he said that sentence, I guess he kinda built a glass wall between the both of us, separating both of our worlds, locking me in the 'good' world and him leaving behind in the 'bad' world. Okay, this is probably just all in my head you know. See this is how I see things NOW, and will definitely see things in another light some time down the road. I can see what's happening to him in the other world, but I can't reach out to him because as we all know, glass is solid, glass is hard. We say that it's brittle, but it aren't really that easy to break, unless you're crazy enough to grab a hammer and smash through it, however that ONE piece of hard glass will shatter into hundreds of shards of tiny painful dangerous glass. And you'll have to step over all of these shards before you can enter the other world, and who knows what's gonna happen on the other world? You've only seen it, you haven't been there. Alright, I've probably gone a tad too far. Typing is just really addictive because I can see words forming very quickly and it helps to prod my mind into thinking at a faster speed.

I've been thinking.. why am I so against relationships? And I realise that it is because I hate hearing/saying the words "break up". I guess I've been drilled too much by Disney's fairytales, so I hate any stories that don't make me smile at the end of it. For HJ's story, it took almost 3 years to get an ending that I am satisfied with okay! I admit that when I see his cheesy facebook display picture with Wan Qing, my stomach turns and I get this creepy tingling sensation on my skin as though a chilly wind just went pass and all the hair on my skin got ruffled by that breeze, but from the bottom of my heart, I'm happy for him because I know that he is happy. And how do I know that? He's fat again ROFL. The cons of being in love. Unless you've got two feet on your emotional grounds, you'll definitely put on weight. That and the immense desire to spend every waking minute with your love, and it results in you distancing from your friends, and your heart is constantly on a roller coaster ride, and you'll feel like Chicken Little — as though the sky is ready to fall any minute. Which is why I say, unless you have good discipline over your emotions, love is like hard liquor, and you my dear, are the drunkard.


P.S. I do still love Kenny very very much, but I just don't like him anymore — not the current him.

Violate me. I dare you.

: 1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

Umm.. Yes?

: 2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?


: 3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

Can't recall

: 4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?


: 5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?


: 6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?


: 7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

An old tee and a pair of shorts

: 8. How often do you listen to music?

Everyday without fail

: 9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?


: 10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2012?

It already has and it's still an ongoing event.

: 11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?


: 12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?


: 13. What about ‘R’?


: 14. Can you drive a stick shift?

Yes!!! Ha!

: 15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

Unfortunately, yes.

: 16. Are you going out of town soon?

No :(

: 17. When was the last time you cried?


: 18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?


: 19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

Umm.. A lighter shade of brown would be nice?

: 20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?


: 21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

My mom going through a serious PMS mood because she's menopausing.

: 22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?


: 23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?


: 24. What are you sitting on right now?

Lying on actually. My bed?

: 25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

Yeah. My girlfriends. And my Bestie, because I forced him to when he made me wake up at 1.30AM to help him with his homework -.-

: 26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?


: 27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

Talked/texted? If texted, Shin

: 28. Do you get a lot of colds?


: 29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

My secondary school.

: 30. Does anyone hate you?

Yeah I guess?

: 31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?


: 32. Do you like watching scary movies?


: 33. Do you want your tongue pierced?


: 34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

None. The most disastrous year is the same one that taught me the most amount of valuable lessons.

: 35. Did you have a dream last night?


: 36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Er.. That would be last Friday when Joey tweeted me that she has my OPI Rainbow Connection ^_^

: 37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?


: 38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?


: 39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

No (It's 3.36AM right now. Anyone sane would be asleep.)

: 40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

No. PMS-ing mom = bad day

: 41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?


: 42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?


: 43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?


: 44. What’s the best part about school?

I'm not schooling right now, but... from my past experiences, having something to do? Learning something new? Hanging out with my friends?

Sheesh. That's a lot of 'best part'.

: 45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?


: 46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?


: 47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?


: 48. Were you single over the last summer?


: 49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?


: 50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?


: 51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?


: 52. Are you nice to everyone?

Pretty much?

: 53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?


: 54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?


: 55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

Umm.. Yes/No? (I can't decide)

: 56. Do you think you like someone?


: 57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?


: 58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

No preference. Both genders have their own benefits.

: 59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?


: 60. Do you hate anyone?


: 61. How’s your heart?


: 62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?


: 63. Have you ever cried over a guy?


: 64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

Don't wish to know

: 65. Are your toenails painted pink?

Nope. Now, violet! (:

: 66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?


: 67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

Not for me

: 68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?


: 69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

A possible future working partner

: 70. How do you look right now?


: 71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?


: 72. Can you commit to one person?


: 73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?


: 74. Have you ever felt replaced?


: 75. Did you wake up cranky?


: 76. Are you a jealous person?


: 77. Are relationships ever worth it?


: 78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

Mmm.. Yes/No (I can't decide)

: 79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

Yes/No (I can't decide)

: 80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

Go smoochiezz and get nail polishes!!!

: 81. Last person you cried in front of?

My ex-ex employer -.-

: 82. Is there someone you will never forget?


: 83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?


: 84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

Smiling and giggling at this question

: 85. Are you over your past?

Yes/No (I can't decide)

: 86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?


: 87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?


: 88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?


: 89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

It depends on who he is

: 90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?


: 91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?


: 92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?


: 93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?


: 94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

No. It's going great. Lol

: 95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

I liked myself in March (and in fact, every other months too), so yes

: 96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

Does twitter count? If yes, yes?

: 97. Who do you have texts from?

My bestfriends, my girlfriends, my sister, my cousins, my parents, my employer, my clients?

: 98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?


: 99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

How old is "older"? Every guy whom I've kissed is a few days/months older than me.

: 100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?

Some dude dressed up as The Devil during USS: HHN.

: 101. Ever kissed under fireworks?


: 102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?


Never expect others to have the qualities that you possess

Everyone knows, life is hard. Sometimes you do the wrong things, sometimes you say the wrong things... And these things just screw things up, most importantly it screws you up inside. I wouldn't say that I said some wrong things because frankly I've been yearning to tell her that although she's being just her, she can't be so (pardon my choice of words here) stupidly straightforward. I was a tad annoyed at her for adding fuel to the fire when I was already in a not-decent mood, and when she added even more fuel when I kinda already hinted that I'm not exactly receptive to any negative comments made about my friend, I exploded. I suppose it's the insensitivity and wrong choice of action that had me flared up. The only thing I regretted was having to say those mean stuff and to hurt her feelings (well I'm assuming that it did).

I've said before many times: I'm not one for arguments. If I had a choice, I would rather stand down and concede defeat to the battle. I guess I stood down a little too late this time. Should I have been in a better mood, no matter how much her words, I would probably have taken lots and lots of deep breath and just try my best to get over it, which mostly works unless I'm already in a bad mood and when I'm further agitated, my timer goes off like how it is for all bombs.

I don't know whether she actually thought through her words thoroughly before saying them out since I would truly love to give her the benefit of doubt that she did and she was simply trying to do what a best friend is suppose to do which is to be really frank no matter how bad the situation is. Okay yes, some of you might say that I'm bullshitting because frankly such words are too polite to be true but I suppose it's the logic behind these words which calls for their existence to begin with. Then again, I'm the kind of person who would find all sorts of reasons to forgive people (in general, with some exceptions here and there).

Having gone through this bad argument with her, I learnt a couple of things:

1. When a person says sorry to you in less than 24 hours since the fight, it sometimes isn't because he regrets what he has said or that he has realised his mistake of having said it in a fit, but rather it is because he knows that life is short and anything can happen any moment. So instead of being mad at someone, no matter how mediocre or serious the situation is, forgiving is the appropriate choice of action. Also, it is because he cares for you and you mean something to him, which is why he rather spend the next minute laughing with you rather than having this stupid argument that you'll regret wasting so much time on 10 years down the road (that is, if you even survive that 10 years).

2. Never expect others to have the qualities you have.

3. No matter how much it sucks to have to do this, MOVE ON. You've already done your part of the relationship, have shown how much you cherish it and wish to work things out. If the other party fails to even see through the simple point that there is nothing more important in life than being happy, then I'm afraid the truth is right there sticking in your face: your relationship is unbelievably pathetically weak. That person has no intention to take a role and be in your life. There isn't a thing in life that cannot be worked out. However for that to happen, it takes all the individuals involved just like how it takes two hands to clap. I don't believe in shit like how stingy a person can be, how calculative a person can be, how petty a person can be, if you're seriously any of that then well my dear friend, I'm afraid you are on the 'bad' list. Please do not rejoice. It isn't something good. Like not any bit of it is good at all. It is only good when you do something to CORRECT it. Then again, who am I to say any of these? I'm just a young chick who has barely even lived past 2 decades of her life.

4. Stand straight, stand tall, stand firm, for whatever that you've done. Opportunities only come knocking once in awhile. As much as you cherish someone else, think: does the person cherish you in the same way as well? If the person does, then why the hell did the question go around twice in your head and you are so absorbed in whatever that I've written!

5. "Good things have to go, to make way for better things to come in." If that person thinks that he is just good and not better, be smart and let him go. Oh and, you might wanna add a little bit of sympathy for him — it's ultimately your call but highly recommended.

Okay I kind of digressed a little there. My eyes were opened with regards to another issue after having gone through this, and I finally know that well.. life has to go on.

In my opinion, no matter how you truthful you were trying to be, I still feel that you've said something wrongly. It is acceptable, but it was not the appropriate thing to say. Like what I said before, you are my best friend and even if you still can't see pass all the time wasted on this, you will still always be my best friend because from the bottom of my heart, I genuinely care for you. And I know that you probably do too, or you wouldn't have even replied me and said all that nasty shit, even though your hunger might have an influence to it. I hate arguments. And I hate losing my friends. So I'm hoping that I wouldn't have to walk down the darker path without you, but rather the brighter one with rainbows and unicorns with you.

Gosh, I sound so damn cheesy.






I need no shitting prince and I'm fucking PERFECT

I'm a pussy. A shitting pussy. All that I've been doing is to whine and sob. Like some pathetic nutcase. Okay wait, I am a nutcase. But I aren't pathetic. I'm going to start from ground zero again. I can start from ground zero a million times, because I know that one day I'm gonna be up there flying high, like a G6.

I'M NOT DRUNK. I'm fully sober at this very moment (which is 2:59PM), and... Shit. 1 more minute till I'm late for my next class. Fuck. Got to go.

P.S. I love my newfound privacy. Fuck you stalking bitches.
P.S.S. I'm not lady-like. I curse, I say 'FUCK'. ACCEPT IT BASTARD.

Teach me how to let go

"Yeah, well... some people hang on when they should just let go."

I've been watching a lot of movies lately. It ranges from animations to action-packed movies, romance to comedies. That line quoted above, it came from "Raise Your Voice". I felt so undignified when I heard it. You don't just let go of someone with a snap of your fingers. Even if you want to, the thing is.. can you? Do you know how to let go of someone? Can someone even explain or elaborate to me how it is to let go of someone? Give me a manual, give me a guidebook, or even give me a textbook. I'll really read it, follow it, and do it. All that I've heard from everyone is, you'll let go as time passes by. Yeah well, trust me when I say that I wish that that is happening, the thing is... IT ISN'T.

You know what I see happening around? People forcing themselves to date others, people jumping into relationships, people making foolish decisions, people doing stupid things, people breaking other's heart... just so as to 'let go'. Seriously, is that what letting go is? Because if it is, then I'm never doing it. I'd rather never let go. I'm not gonna go around and break someone else's heart deliberately so as to pretentiously 'heal'. And I'm not going to let someone be a knight in shining armour and rescue the damsel in distress. It's stupid. All the fancy talk about saving someone, being saved by someone, forcing the person to go away or should I say, hurting someone just because you don't wish to drag him down with you. Let's face the truth here: You're just selfish. You don't wish to get hurt. You want to stop feeling pain. You chose yourself. Hey! Nothing wrong with that yo! You're being totally honest to yourself and to the whole wide world so what can anyone say shit about you? The only moment that they can is when you are lying to yourself. It's even worst than lying to the world because trust me, no one gives a fuck about you lying. Your words just go in through their right ear and come out from their left ear. What affects them is their pity for you as they see you not even realising that you are deceiving yourself.

For all I care, you can say that I'm lunatic. And I'll admit it, I'm drunk now. What's the big fuck about it? It's just liquor. It's just alcohol. I'll probably feel completely stupid when I wake up later on in the day and realised that I've typed this whole random chunk of crap but hey, I've never felt better letting all of these words out. You are as big as a liar as he was. Lying to me right in my face when I confronted him about you and her. Double the back-stab. FML. With each interrogation I forced upon him, I get a little bit of truth. And each little bit of that truth was akin to taking another stab to my heart. No, I'm nowhere near closure because I can never forget those bad moments. I WANT TO OKAY. I WANT TO BADLY. I wish they'd stop haunting me. I wish I'd stop dreaming about them. I wish they'd stop popping into my mind every waking hour of my life. You bitches took away the only dream I had, my most prized possession. What the fuck is wrong with you people?!

AND YOU. YOU LEFT ME THERE TO DIE. What the fuck is wrong with you too. How could you do it. How could you promise me the world one minute, then turn your back on me the next and make me seem like the biggest fool of all centuries that have passed and will come. Now you're dating a Snow White!!! (No offence to her, but plenty for you) I don't know what else to say to you. Your actions have rendered me speechless. The ones you made when we were young, the ones you did when we were together, and the ones you chose since we broke up all the way till now.

I'm in this fucking ditch and albeit I've made progress, I don't know how to get out of it. I'm fucking running in bloody circles. Coming back to the same damn point every shitting time. It's as though I've missed a sign somewhere but I have no freaking clue what that sign is or where it even is. It sucks. Completely. I wonder every god damn day, why in hell am I still doing here?! I'm suppose to be long gone. This is a complete waste of my time. Why is it that after everything that I've done, everything that I've thought, everything that I've realised, everything that I've learnt, I AM STILL HERE. FML seriously. For some fucking reason, I'm here. AGAIN. Don't ask me to let go k. Because frankly I'm the one begging you now, LET ME GO. If he was sent to give me a second shot at life, then fine I accept it. I fully appreciate my second life so now please, let me enjoy it to the maximum and stop letting him hinder me from doing that. PLEASE REMOVE HIM. I don't care if you drive a car towards me and hit me down with it, and give me amnesia. I'd gladly lose all my memories of him. Just him okay. Keep all the rest. Anything that has a hint of being related to him, get rid of it. I bet my head will feel so light then that it might even fly.

I'm so tired right now that my eyes are shutting so I'm going to tie some stupid random shit just so as to give this a better ending and so that I'll end up dreaming of something real nice when I put this laptop away and plop my head onto my pillow. I'm going to get the 32GB white iTouch at the end of this month, and by the end of this year, I'm getting myself a Samantha Thavasa genuine leather bag. Then by June next year, I'll buy a white iPad 2. By the end of next year, I'll be getting a Mont Blanc watch. I'll probably ask Lex to get me a Burberry bag when he goes to HK next year. That depends though, because Burberry has been so commercialised now that it has pretty much lost its value in my heart. I know, it's so sad right. Oh well. I'm determined to go to Perth after 3 years. Right after my diploma. But to do so, I need to get the scholarship which means I'm going to have to work my ass off in school and in this world, I'll have to have no life. It's okay, I can accept that. I have my darling girlfriends, my shopping addiction and my nail polish collection. Life is good enough for me that way. Who ever said that I can never be pleased, I'm always greedy and never can be satisfied? Well whoever you are, EAT YOUR WORDS. Oh and yeah, I'm a cold-blooded freak.

Oooooh yeah... you've gotta love life.


I guess I never really quite got what they had between each other. I was too blinded by rage and hurt (I don't think either of you will ever understand the pain that you've caused me) to take notice of anything else. I might have been the one who loved him the most, however I aren't the one he let deepest into his heart. As much similarities as we seemed to have, we had more differences. From our likes to our aspirations.

To be the perfect one in his eyes, can you believe that I was stupid enough to deny what I truly liked? All so as to fit into his society, his world. Well no surprise there actually, I had been preparing myself silently since I was... 12? I suppose it wasn't a well thought-out plan afterall as I followed my kiddy instincts, childish thoughts and immature assumptions.

Someone said to me, "You're too pretty to be single". I said: "No, I'm too pretty to be lied to, cheated on and played with." For 5 consecutive years of my life, I had never been alone for one instance. There was always someone there. Someone to fill in the void once it got emptied. Now, there's going to be a whole new change to that system. Part of my reason for doing so is because it is termed as 'the right thing to do' by society, albeit few actually do bother to follow the protocols as they just can't seem to resist the many temptations in life. Another part is that I've gotten use to being alone. It doesn't take much for one to come up with that much of determination. All it takes is a severely broken heart that can never seem to heal properly. Nothing much yeah? *shrugs*

I'll never forget the moment when I made my decision to quit working at Esprit. I simply couldn't seem to see eye-to-eye with the temporary supervisor that came over to the outlet where I worked at, to supervise things in a different store for about a month. I remember how I started to dread work, how I dragged my feet to work, how I always ended up being late for work for up to half an hour albeit I managed to get to work in the past with half that amount of preparation time, how I started finding all sorts of excuses to avoid work and when off-days finally arrived, I'd be SO DAMN HAPPY. Frankly, I struggled hard to come to that decision. However I was glad I did, as I realised how much more there was for me out there. I couldn't find contend in that little store, facing clothes and hangers and customers and colleagues with bad fashion taste everyday. (They really should watch more runway videos or get some fashion magazines or a tumblr) Now, I do still visit the store occasionally to either check out the latest collections or just to say hi.

Every time that I'm back, I'll get asked whether I'm finally attached (Hell knows why they always ask me that question! LOL) and whether I would wanna work at the store again. For both questions, I would always reply with a straight direct definite no. There are many more fishes out in the sea and much more water out in the ocean, I want a rainbow fish that swims in the ocean. Oh! That reminds me of Rainbow Connection (it's the name of a nail polish colour) from OPI's holiday collection 2011: The Muppets. #cannotwaittogetitwithjoey

Anyway back to my initial topic, in every girl's heart, there will be a guy who lives in it always. For me, it's you. Sadly for me, I've finally realised that the one living in your heart isn't me and it will never be me.

So I'll be on my way at long last. There will be no turning back allowed.

RESOLUTION (14.10.2011)


Solemnly declared by, me.

Life has been pretty good to me, so far

Actually, it doesn't come off as much of a surprise that life has been good to me. I've been staying off the path of D-R-A-M-A, and anyone who might possibly bring shit into my life has been driven away by me. In the course of turning them away, I might have unintentionally broke a few hearts, made a few people upset, angered a couple of them... however such consequences are unfortunately inevitable. In fact, I'm guessing that the reason why I've been pretty anal to buddy is because he is really dramatic and every so often, he has to stir up some kinda shit (be it intended or not) and seriously, I hate drama. All I want is a quiet peaceful life. I want the life of a normal girl. One which I hadn't had before. If you think it's too much to ask for, then shit you because it's everything that I am asking for at this moment.

It feels good to not have to worry about who I'm gonna marry in the future, what age am I gonna get married, how is my future in-laws going to be like, how is my future life going to be like, will I have financial difficulties then, what car will he have, what kind of house will we live in (HDB, condo, terrace, semi-D, bungalow?), will I be required have a life overseas with him, how many kids will I have, what gender will my kids be, how will they be like, will I be working then or will I be a full-time housewife/mother? It feels really good to no longer have to fret over such girly questions. My head is no longer filled with all these girly dreams/girly worries. Anything that has to do with HIM is thrown out the window and the windows have been shut tight. It feels good to know that I don't have to worry about such things because 1. I'm not afraid of living the rest of my life alone, 2. I'm independent enough to support myself financially (and that includes all my shopping sprees), 3. Fuck marriage, fuck men. Other than work, the thing that is in my head nowadays is what new material goods should I get? LOL. I told you already, life is good for me.

My plans so far are a Mont Blanc watch, a Samantha Thavasa genuine leather (possibly calf leather) bag, a Givenchy wallet, and definitely the latest Apple iTouch in white. The Creative ZEN mp4 that Kenny bought for me as my 16th birthday present, has finally lived past it's lifespan. It has crashed to the extend that it is beyond recovery mode. I think it has something to do with the fact that I might have accidentally pressed the reformat button more times than required and I might have incidentally held onto the button longer than I should have. Anyway, I GET TO BUY MYSELF A NEW DIGITAL MUSIC-PLAYING DEVICE! Hip hip hooray! And it's gonna be pretty white rather than ugly black. Gosh I'm so shallow! But I like! HAHA!

Yesterday (it is currently 3:23AM) turned out to be a pretty fine day, except for the minor setback caused by my darling elder sister. In the middle of my tuition class with Janell and Janissa, my sister sent me a picture which got me really fired up. I roar-ed at her because seriously, someone had to tell her that she has got to stop reminding me of him.

I don't know why Shin said that this is sweet because from my point of view, it isn't sweet AT ALL. I guess it's due to the perspective that I'm reading it from. The green portion being from Kenny and the white being from my sister. In case you're wondering, no it isn't an extract between their conversation. It's probably some picture my sister saw off somewhere in the internet and was idiotic enough to send it to me. Anyway, please tell me, how can I not get mad after reading that?! No one dares to mention his name infront of me or to me, and my freaking elder sister dishes it out so easily all the time. Makes me wanna strangle her. Thank goodness that she wasn't anywhere near me or I would definitely have stormed up to her, screamed my head off at her, and possibly wrapped my long fingers around her slender neck.

People have truly got to stop saying his name around me, or I might just run off and hide in some foreign country just so as to avoid hearing his name ever again. I can't possibly get over a guy and much less forget him, if my environment and the people around me keep on reminding me of him. I've already torn up all the pictures I have of him, kept the bunny he won for me at the arcade on a high shelf in my wardrobe, deleted his contact from my phone, blocked him on
Facebook, deleted all the pictures I have of him from my (broken) mp4, my phone, my laptop, oh and now there's an addition to the list: I crashed the mp4 he gave me as my 16th birthday present. I really don't don't don't need anymore reminders of him. The ones that I have of him in my freaking brain are already giving me a huge headache so PLEASE do me a favour and stop adding any more burdens to my already heavy shoulders.

I indulge in shopping because yes I do enjoy it, and also because that's how I deal with my pain, that's how I deal with reality. Go on and call me a 'shopaholic'. I've got the money to support my shopping sprees so what say you now? I paint my nails because yes I like it and also because I'm vain. I buy luxury goods because I love the sound of it and also because I know they'll never stab me in my back with a short dagger.

One day, when I see Kenny again, I will proudly brandish myself, and my luxury goods. (Oh c'mon, you knew I was gonna add in that last bit!) A girl has got to show what she's worth, from everything about her to everything she owns (inside and outside). I'm gonna stick it in his face: "Hey dude, this is all that you've missed out on. Sucks to be you." (I wanted to say 'fuck your life' however it doesn't seem very classy and ladylike, hence I chose the other)

After berating my sister for her choice of action, she told me her point of view and frankly, I can understand it even though I don't really agree with it. Among all the temptations out there, I chose him. He should have been contended but no, he wasn't. And so, now he has to suffer. Hey Shin, remember that curse I laid for him back when I scattered bits of his pictures all over AMK Hub? Hmmmmm as a Buddhist, I'm not suppose to curse anyone but hey, I'm still a woman... And it's not like I cursed for him to die or get a terminal illness. All I did was ask for him to be taught a great big fat good lesson, so that he can freaking grow up and come back to me. Okay I'm just kidding about that last part. Then again, actually not really. I'd say 50-50. My mind and my heart are of equal balance on this case.

I've been blogging for over an hour already and this has turned out to be quite a lengthy entry even though I was planning for a moderate one when I first started. I guess I made a right choice when I decided to turn up the privacy notch for my blog. This freedom to express my thoughts and not worry about the judgemental prying eyes of others, it brings a formerly unknown jubilation to my heart and my mind. The inability to speak as I like, it's terrible. So much for the declaration of human rights huh? I guess that is why we attended Civics and Moral Education since we were in preschool. It's purpose is to fuck our mind and tell us that even though we are technically allowed to speak as we like, we shouldn't due to this shitting thing called 'society'.

I'm going to bed. I might be getting my provisional driving license later in the morning, and also sign up for practical driving lessons, that is if my parents remember the appointment I had with them to do all of the above mentioned. No classes today as I cancelled it to meet my JC babes for bulgogi in the night. I've been craving for Korean BBQ since 2 weeks ago!!!

Life is good!

P.S. That photo at the start of this entry, it's me featuring his trademark candid expression. From the looks of it, I can pull it off better than him now. Ha! FHL.

Formalities and pathetic jokes

The night before this, I had a crazy fight with buddy (again). While we were searching for a resolution towards our vicious cycle of endless arguments, he made me realise one thing: no one ever knew that when I conjured an apology that is filled with formalities and pathetic jokes, it actually means that I can't be more sorry than I ever have and will be.

I doubt you'll probably ever forget how I forced you to go to all that social functions/appearances with me. And everytime after it has ended, and we get a moment for ourselves, that is when you'd lash it all out on me. Actually you would already start showing me a black face from the moment we get to the venue, just to emphasise that you are unhappy and you are very much unwilling to be at that place right then.

Hell knows why I never learnt from those many times you berated me, and I still continued to force you to attend those stupid things with me although I knew you wouldn't like it and would scream at me after it ends. I guess it's because I wanted your attention, even if it was the worst possible way that any girlfriend should be asking for. Or maybe it was also because I was still a child then? As ready as I had looked like, I guess I wasn't that ready afterall... Remember that day when we were in your room on your bed when talking things out as we tried to search for a solution to that mess which caused our break-up? Out of the blue you asked me to marry you, I was stunned, remember? Instead of crying out loud a mono-syllabus "YES!", I actually said 4 words, "What about your mom?". LOL. Like what kind of an answer was that?! That was a moment that I had been dreaming of for as long as I can remember, and... I don't know, things just didn't turned out the way I wanted, I didn't say the word that I had always dreamed of saying, we didn't end up getting a proper solution to our problems. We I chose the easy way out, and that was to run. I can't say that I regret doing it, because one thing has led to another, and if I were to regret having ran, then I'd be regretting who I am right now which I actually don't.

In season 3 episode 2 of Glee, one of the lines of Shelby Corcoran was this: "First step to being an adult: Stop punishing yourself for the things you did when you were a child." I want to forgive myself for how I forced you to attend those dumb social things, but I can't do it if you don't forgive me. Since we broke up, I kept thinking — why wouldn't he forgive me even though I've already bowed down and given him the most sincere apology that could ever come from me. And only the night before, I got my answer. It's because you never knew that I don't know how to apologise.

I suck at apologies. When I know that I am responsible for screwing up things with someone whom I care about, I get all nervous. So when I'm composing my apologies, it would normally comprise of formalities and pathetic jokes. Formalities because I want to tell you that I do still respect you, a lot. Pathetic jokes because all I want is for things to be better, so I add stupid senseless jokes, hoping to lighten up the dull and serious mood. When I come up with a brilliant apology that is your definition of sincere, it actually means that I didn't really mean it when I was saying sorry, I was mainly saying it for the sake of saying it, so yes that apology aren't a bit sincere at all. I'm good at coming up with that crap. I blame literature and the media.

You'll probably never see this entry, and I don't know if I'll ever get a chance to tell you any of these stuff that is written here. If I don't ever get a chance to while I'm still alive, then it will be my greatest regret in this lifetime. So yeap, that is all I have to say for now.

P.S. Have you ever heard that anything composed after 2am is very embarrassing and stupid, however those words are actually the most truthful ones that can ever come out of a person? It's 3.34am now by the way, just so you know.

Eat, Pray, Love

In the end, I've come to believe in something I call "The Physics of the Quest." A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this: If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you.

—Liz Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

My first sunrise

I was lucky. My resort room had the best view of the sunrise. I should thank my mom, for being unable to sleep peacefully on our first night there, and so she started walking around the resort room. It was her movements that woke me up, and it gave me my opportunity to catch my first sunrise. For the next 3 mornings, I woke up at 7 every day to watch the sunrise. It was the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen.

It was like an orange ball, hanging in the sky, 25-degrees from the horizon. It felt warm, it felt safe. It gave the waters a brilliant tangerine-bronze shine. From far, you'd honestly wonder if there was gold beneath the surface of the waters.

During those moments, I felt like the sun was taking all my worries and my problems away from me as it slowly rose up the sky. I took off my slippers and sank my feet into the sand, slowly I made my way towards the waters and stood there for quite some time as the waves crashed around my ankles. I stood there enjoying every moment of the sun's embrace. It was an embrace that I had never felt before... the kind that you'll never miss, then again you'll never forget. The kind that you won't be afraid of losing, because you know that it'll always be there — inserting you with hope, keeping you safe, giving you life.

One day, after I've gotten my driving license and I've bought myself a car, I'll drive up to Kuantan again on my own, stay at the same resort and ask for room 211.. And every morning, I'll wake up at 7, just to watch our glorious sun rise.


Okay, my poetic moment is over.

A girl can't possibly go to a beach without her bikini, sunglasses and sunblock. I'll admit that I came back to Singapore with a pretty failed tan... since I hardly got tanned at all. I blame my sunblock. It's too power already. Nonetheless, I made up for the failed effort of getting tanned by taking some pretty good pictures!

Up till now, life has been good to me and so have I been to it, by being an extremely good girl and staying out of any possible trouble/drama. I no longer seek to know what love is. To love at all is to be vulnerable. I'm a person who dislikes getting high because I detest feeling vulnerable. Being in love is like being drunk. You lose control and you become defenceless. You'll have no guard, no protection. From the very moment that you are drunk/in love, the person closest to you might possibly become your greatest threat. What gives a person strength can also bring a person down. A strength is a flaw, a flaw is a strength. To determine which it is, it's based on the party's perspective and intention — good or evil?

I have been invited to go Kukup over one of the weekends in October, to celebrate a girlfriend's birthday. I have yet to accept nor decline. Firstly, there is work.. The exams are coming, and during those times, weekends are precious. My students need me! Okay fine, I want my student's money. ($_$) Gotta support my own sprees yo! It's all part of my independence plan. Secondly, there is.. work again. If I were to take leave along with my other colleague, that would be two teachers gone at the same time! What about our classes?! What about our students?! What about our boss?!! Gotta be considerate yo! It's all part of being selfless. (Yeah right... I'm more afraid of getting fired and losing a source of income!) Thirdly, it's just me... I've been hiding out in my turtle shell for so long. It feels so cozy, so warm, so safe right now. I'm afraid of stepping out into the world again. Then again, I might already have. Every step taken is a step forward rather than backward, isn't it?

My daddy sent me a text earlier on.. I think it makes a lot of sense. This is what he sent me:
Daddy's text message: "The power of faith is very strong. Why do some people come across as very strong, confident and sure of what they are all about? It's because they have faith in themselves. Believe in yourself and have faith in what you are doing. Your doubts will disappear, vanish, and starve to death. You will set yourself free to accomplish great things."

This faith is in other words known as.. "The Law of Attraction". I've always heard, I've always read... "Have faith in yourself", "Keep your faith", "Hold onto your faith". My question is: What is faith? What are beliefs?

I'm not sure exactly when.. but some time ago, I gave up humanity for reality. I traded hope for wisdom. I'm heartless now(according to someone). Since that step I took, affairs of the heart which I once knew well, have become unknown to me. I'm not sad about what I've become (that is if I even know what 'sad' is) and neither do I regret it. It has opened up many new doors for me, and taken me down new paths. I'm not even in my twenties. I am still young. I've got half a century left for me to discover. I am alone, but I'm not lonely. This is not a time to back down nor give up.
My mind is set: I'm going Kukup!

But first... I gotta tell my parents that. *gulps* It shouldn't be too hard (I think...)

I have red and blonde hair highlights

I am done with the challenge. I have failed to complete it, both the challenge and the mission of completing it within the time limit. You can't imagine how sickening it is to do something which irritates you rather than keep you anticipated. It turned my hobby — blogging — into a dreaded chore. I can't say how glad I am to finally get it off my hands. Now, on to more serious business.

Here I am typing away on my keyboard while waiting for Drop Dead Diva to load. It's 3AM at the moment, which means that I will most probably be late for my brunch appointment with Joey later on in the day. *coughs* Let's hope that I wouldn't love the idea of sleeping more than shopping when I wake up.

So, I got myself some red and blonde highlights. The colours are pretty dark for now, I'm hoping that with a couple of washes it'll become lighter. I have made my mind that the next time I go to the salon, I'm gonna keep my fringe long rather than to keep slicing it again and again. Which means that I have to keep my weight in check as according to a discussion that I had with Sin Hui, people with chubby cheeks aren't suitable to have long fringes. Did I mention that I always hated it when people asked me the question "How do you lose all that weight?", well if I haven't, I just have. Reason behind that? What sort of shitting answer was I suppose to give them?! Anyway now I have an answer for whoever that asks me that goddamn question: "I traded it with my life." Ha! I can't wait to see their reactions when they hear it!

It's 3:24AM and my show has got a couple more of minutes to load, so I might as well make use of the time and upload some of the pictures taken when I went to Taiwan in May with my sister and my cousin. Oh by the way, I'm going abroad again in less than 2 weeks, yay! I love holidays.

First stop in Taiwan: Bubble Tea!!! Afterall, it is where the drink originated from!

Went to one of Taiwan's amusement park/zoo.

After having been to USS, I find this theme park to be an epic fail. (I hereby apologise for my honesty but not for my frankness)

Tried one of their water rides with my sister.

I've always been a spectator for such water rides as I never had the guts to go for one and also because I can never stand walking around the rest of the park drenched and dripping water all over. I thank my mother for forcing my sister and I to pack those yellow Prudential raincoats into our luggage. Although they were used for the wrong purposes (they were meant to keep us dry should we ever meet the typhoon and the horrific weather that it'll bring) but I suppose that it is much better than lying at the bottom of our bags, being tagged as 'useless' yeah?

We bought 5 pairs of shoes on our very 1st night there. Heehee!

Went to have dinner at Mr. J's restaurant on our 2nd night

To the best pasta that I've ever had! It is now officially my favourite! I doubt I'll ever forget its taste!


Heading off to Tainan on our 3rd day.

It felt absolutely stupid dragging my luggage across the streets of Taipei. Nonetheless, I was still a total sport and flashed a brilliant smile when my sister insisted on taking pictures to note such a memorable experience.

Damn right memorable it was. Especially when I had to lull my heavy luggage up 3 flights of stairs. I swore I could have strangled my sister and my cousin for having come up with the incredulous idea. My desire doubled when after I had finally succeeded in dragging my luggage all the way up those stairs, I turned around and saw that my sister had received help from an old uncle who helped her carry her luggage up the stairs. Lucky rabbit, roar!

To the best donut in the world! Mister Donut! I hope they bring it to Singapore!

To the best to-go milk tea ever drunk!

On the High Speed Rail to Tainan

Reached Tainan. Went to an eatery near the hotel to have some lunch.

If your motive for going Taiwan is for their food, you've got to go Tainan. Apparently that is where all their snacks originate from, so the best food is usually found there. I've been to Taipei, Tainan and Kaohsiung, and I must agree that the best food that I've had during those days were all from Tainan! They were superb!

Visited a nearby fortress after lunch

Went to Da Dong night market

I went to 4 night markets and out of the 4, Da Dong night market was the best. Even my sisters said so too. It served the best snacks and the clothes and accessories were a total bargain as well. I'm guessing that another reason why we rated it the best is also because it was the only night market which truly seemed like a night market. The others had proper stores rather than stalls. In my opinion, weird.

Played a complex bingo/bowling game. The only thing I got from it was a useless piece of cardboard stating that I had attained 15-points.

Waited 45 minutes for our Spring Onion pancake

Saw a really spectacular 3D-red rose jigsaw puzzle!

On the train to Kaohsiung.

First stop in Tainan: Bubble tea again!!! Heehee!

Our lunch in Kaohsiung: Omu (pearl-grains) rice, in ketchup with a slab of pork chop. It wasn't too bad la.

Goofing around in the Science and Technology museum at Kaohsiung, where I lost my purse :(

It was really dumb k. Initially I used an old Dior wallet to carry around the Taiwan currencies that I would use for the day. The old Dior wallet gave way on the 2nd day. So I bought a pretty floral red purse on the 3rd day at Da Dong night market. And in less than 6 hours of usage, I freaking lost my new purse. My losses amounted up to SGD$150. Freaking stupid.

I was so mad at myself initially for being so careless that I bawled my eyes out outside the museum. Eventually I came to terms with the facts that laid before me, which was to either continue being all gloomy and reproachful or to make better use of the time that I had left in Kaohsiung. Obviously I chose the latter. I guess I was also mad at whoever that picked up my purse and hadn't chosen to return the wallet to the museum's counter, but to rather keep for his/her personal use. However after several reflections, I forgave the person because he/she might need it more than me. I now hope that the money I've misplaced can somewhat benefit someone out there. With that, I rest my case.

At Love river

At Liu He night market. Starting the night off with a cup of papaya smoothie.

To the best pan-fried soup dumplings that I've ever eaten in my life!

Cried my eye make-up away :(

Oh and yeah, that's a purple corn that I was eating. Frankly I still prefer yellow corn. It tastes alot sweeter and the texture is much better. Purple corns are less sweet and they are oddly chewy. To each his own I suppose.

On the day that we were bound for the return train back to Taipei from Tainan, my sisters decided to do a little bit more sightseeing in the morning as my parents complained that we seemed to be eating more than visiting the country. (Explanation: My sister would take pictures with her iPhone and email them to my mother, to keep them notified on what we were doing. My mom nagged saying that the only pictures she saw were food and us eating, so yeah sightseeing lor *shrugs*)

Mega-huge watermelons!!!! They were so ridiculously big that they were almost equivalently to 2 human heads!!! :O

Back at Taipei, Grand Hyatt Hotel

Awesome beer jelly! It's really made out of beer k! I tried it!

Went on a one-day tour in Taipei.

The tour was pretty okay lah. I would say that it's a very tourist activity, which is not of the norm for me, since I'm more accustomed to free and easy. I don't really like sightseeing, especially when it comes to visiting fortresses or memorial halls... Not my kind of thing. Also, I can't stand being forced to go places whereby they entertain you for the sake of selling their products to you. Uber superficial and pretentious in my opinion. I guess the only thing that I liked from the one-day tour was being able to bathe in a hot spring! I'm not exactly sure why, but after having bathed in the hot spring, the heat from the water got trapped in my body, and it is a very nice thing when the weather was seriously cold as it wouldn't stop raining. Oh and, it gave me super smooth and nice skin too! Heehee!

Damn, I miss Taiwan's cheap and scrumptious and convenient street snacks! They are great for a glutton like me!

Once again to the best donut in the world!

Went to the national museum in Taiwan on the last day to look at their famous jade cabbage and jade braised pork.

I'm telling you, the two exhibits were freaking tiny k. And with all the people crowding around to get a look at it, all that you can get is 2 quick glances and someone would push you to one side to have a look at it. I suppose the only extraordinary thing about the 2 exhibits were that the cravemanship was really good, it turned 2 useless piece of rocks into valuable historical monuments. Like how the old saying goes, without all the delicate carvings and effort given, a precious jade is nothing but a mere piece of rock.

And there you have it! A brilliant short summary of my Taiwan trip this May!

I can't wait for my upcoming trip abroad!