I'm the One who Landed You in this Plight..

i brought this upon you, no words can ever express my apology to you.

what have i done this time?
i never imagined to bring such a catastrophe upon you.
my stupid little mistake have caused the both of us great misery.
because of me, we have to be apart for 2 years.
i'm really sorry.
i thought that i was the only one suffering in agony,
i thought that i was the one who suffered the most.
but i was completely wrong.
i wished that i could turn the clock back,
i wished that time could be reverted back.
i would have shut up at that time,
i would have stopped you.
i would have done ANYTHING possible to prevent it.
i'm so sorry.
it's all my fault.
i darent face you now.
i doubt i would even be able to say anything when i see you right infront of me now.
yes, i do wish that you can be standing right infront of me now.
but i doubt i would be able to utter a single word.
i'm so sorry..

Are we going to stay Always & Forever this time?

Always & Forever

fell in love with another one of GENN's blog song.
must you always have such nice blog songs.
which are so irresistible?!
this song is just what i needed to express my feelings.
so here are the lyrics as usual.

Song: Always & Forever
Artist: Deestylistics & Babiixjenii

Verse 1
May 22nd, 2005 was the day.
Promise to you baby girl, my feelings stayin this way.
Never wanna hurt you, never will i leave you alone.
Everytime im by your side, is when im really at home.
Always and forever, thats the pinky promise we made.
You're the reason why im smilin at the start of the day.
And i hope you know i mean it everytime that i say.
I love you always and forever,
it will always be the same.
The moment you're in pain,
i wanna be there for you.
Cryin everytime you cry and sharin laughter with you.
When I look into your eyes i know our love is really true.
Aint nothing i wont do if i can see my baby smile
Remember you can call me anytime you're feelin down.
No girl can take your place and love me like the way you do.
So im a hold you tight, cause i need you by my side.
It's me and you forever, babe
i need you in my life.

We were created to find each other
our favorite and down for us to love forever.
Our hands lockin tight, as i look into the eyes.
Of that one special person who would complete my life.
You were the one i chose, out of all the rest.
The one who i would cherish, and im puttin on my best.
Just to stay in your arms, as you hold me tight.
cuz baby, bein with you just feels so right.

Verse 2
Every single second that i live, im thinkin of you.
How we met was destiny, our love is honestly true.
Tell me what im suppose to do, if i aint got you here
I want to be the one thats by your side through the years.
Wanna be the one whose gonna fight away all your tears.
Replacin it with happiness and take away all your fears.
One day we're gonna look at our pictures and reminisce.
Crazy are the things you do to me with just a little kiss.
I wouldn't trade you for the world, you're all that i need.
You're the only girl who ever got me feelin so free.
And i love you, wit all my heart and soul till i die.
I truly need you, baby you're the light in my life.
And i know it that one day for sure you're gonna be my wife.
Just hold on tight, because im always gon treat you right.
My baby and my closest friend, i love you baby girl.
Until the day i die, ill try to give you the world.

We were created to find each other
our favorite and down for us to love forever.
Our hands lockin tight, as i look into the eyes.
Of that one special person who would complete my life.
You were the one i chose, out of all the rest.
The one who i would cherish, and im puttin on my best.
Just to stay in your arms, as you hold me tight.
cuz baby, bein with you just feels so right.

Verse 3
If loving you is wrong, than i dont want to be right.
Can't imagine what this life would be,
without you by my side.
The day we met, i cant explain the way that i felt.
Feeling all these emotions that i cant even help.
If i didnt meet you, there wont be no smile on my face.
You doin everything to me to make my heart beat or race.
Every little thing we do is just so special to me.
We were meant to be thats something i truly agree
And i know its fate and destiny, i see it in your eyes.
Everytime you smile, i cant explain the feeling inside.
Always gonna treat you good, exactly like the first day.
Just promise to me baby that you'll never go away.
Talking-I love you baby.
Always and foreva you know what im sayin?
Yea, its always gonna be me and you right?
Yea, cause i aint neva lettin go, you know what im sayin?
I just wanted to let you know that.

it's the EXAMS TIME.
i've been studying since 19.04.2008
there's this strong force of motivation pushing me on.
i've started revising since a week ago.
yet i still feel so insecure at times.
perhaps, its because there've been lots of problems egging me on.
but now, its cleared.
yet i'm still at unease.
i guess its because there's still alot of questions,
that i have yet to get an answer.
well, i'll get it soon.
for now, lets get the EXAMS, done and over with.
i'm just a common human-being.
i have no powers.
i have no magic.
i can only achieve my successes by mugging.
therefore, i am known as a..

let's hope we stay true this time yeah? ♥

Is this the truth this time? Or simply just another lie?

the truth or a lie?

the phrase..
up to you
isnt really working out for me.
it is no where close to allowing me to differ btw a lie and the truth.
how do you expect me to come up with a reasonable answer in this case?
i cant not believe you, yet its hard for me to trust you as well.
this is really giving me a headache.
oh, and thanks for adding my list of illness.
this is what happens when I..
1. Insist on going to a bbq party
2. Eat all the burnt things at a bbq party.
3. Take a icy swim in the middle of the night.
4. Sleep at 3am in the Morning
5. Refuse to take any Medication the next day

the result of the 5 things mentioned above?
1. SEVERE sore throat
2. feel Lethargic for the whole day
3. Fever!
4. Flu
5. Cold

what a wonderful way to RUIN my Saturday.
i think i'm beginning to hate Saturdays.
why does everything happen on a Saturday?
i'm really starting to fear the next Saturday.
should probably turn my phone off the next saturday.
getting a saturday night phobia now.
receiving all kinds of unexpected news during saturdays.
starting to freak me out already!
hmm, its 2am in the morning.
& i'm no where near the word TIRED.
guess the night's event have kept me wide awake.
keep thinking about what happened.
can it be for real this time? its quite a risk..
BAHH!! dont want to think about it.
GIRL. forget it for now.
you've got to..
C-O-N-C-E-N-T-R-A-T-E !
whats your motivation? whats your aim?
get them clear. get yourself heading in that direction.
dont lose focus.
it isnt the time to be distracted now.
got ZERO time to lose.
i might be HAPPY, i might be SMILING.
but who knows how i really feel inside?
even i have NIL clues to how i'm really feeling right now.
i'm all CONFUSED. all MESSED-UP.

the scars from my injury are still there.
yeah, i did it like.. 2weeks ago? or was it 3weeks?
i cant remember.. its starting to heal already.
far time it should. nv expected it to take this long.
can only see faint signs of what happened.
hey, i'm not a complete idiot.
once is enough for me, thank you.
it hurt me badly enough.
AND. it was not for my personal reason.
so please do not mistake me
as some kind of KLUZ who resort to these stupid means.

As i'm sitting here typing away.
at this ungodly hour of the day。
i'm hugging my 猪猪.
or more like it's resting on my lap.
kind of the same thing yeah?
well, i was thinking.
this PIG has to receive some credit.
its been accompanying for quite a no. of nights already.
time for it to get some acknowledgement from people.
so i decided to post a picture of it.
CUTE EH? just like how a pig is suppose to be.
its gonna be right beside me again,
when i sleep tonight.
being very dependent on it lately.
cant get to sleep without it.
needless to say,
if it wasnt by my side.
i have no idea how i would have gotten past these few nights.
it's always right here by me when i need it.
and it will always be somewhere close to me..
right where it belongs..
right here, in my heart..

Was it just a wrong interpretation or..?

A wrong interpretation?

just returned from a night swim.
yeah, i know i'm mad.
fancy going swimming at 9pm in the night.
but the cold water did help me to clear my mind for once.
had the whole pool to myself.
well, i normally had it all to myself.
so it doesnt make much of a diff eh?
hmm.. there i was.
floating on the surface of the water.
the water blocked out all voices, all sounds, all disturbance.
all i knew was the beautiful night sky above me,
and my thoughts.
luckily, the pool i had was an outdoor pool.
so i could gaze at the night sky.
pity the sky was cloudy tonight,
so there wasnt much stars as usual.
but, the purplish sky was quite a sight.
guess it's gonna rain again soon..
the first dip in the pool was freezing chill as usual.
but i got use to it eventually.
i love it when i get to be in the pool all by myself.
its probably the best place to think. to sort out all thoughts.
i kept thinking bout so many question while i was in the pool.
was it just a wrong interpretation?
did i mess up my own thoughts again?
was i expecting too much?
what was i thinking?
what was i doing?
what did i really want?
and i have zero answers to all these questions.
to think i spend 3hours in the pool.
and i came up with zero answers.
i guess the sky was too much of a beauty and a distraction.
wish i was in the water again..

to ling:
sorry i didnt call you to go swimming with me.
i wanted to sort certain thoughts out.
these few days have been really crazy for me.
i'm passing everyday in confusion.
keep getting distracted by my sudden thoughts.
still having a little difficulty settling down.
i thought that the little peace that the pool provided me,
could help me relax and ease the tension in me.
i will call you along the next time i go yeah?
really sorry.

life has been going on as usual for me.
there's not much diff.
it's just that i keep day-dreaming if not thinking.
i dont know where i get all these distractions.
they just come suddenly.
and i'll be thinking bout them and then realising all of a sudden,
that i should not be placing my concentration of these matters.
girl, you've got to wake up.
stop having these stupid little thoughts.
concentrate! get your mind in the right direction.
do the right things at the right time.
speaking of right time.
i hadnt bathe yet since i came up from the pool.
OOPS! hope that the icy water from this midnight bathe,
can wake me up as well.
i've got to stay awake.
plenty lots more thoughts i have to clear.
or i guess i will nv get my concentration heading in the right direction.
so is my revision. got plenty more to go through.
GO GIRL! you can do it.

I'm Moving On Steadily. I Think...

it just doesnt seem as it is.

all along,
i thought that my blog is deserted.
i thought the only people who ever comes to my blog,
are my online friends.
i didnt know that my classmates do come to my blog to read.
but, NOW I KNOW!
well, to jiakang & damen,
yeah, i know i'm being mean.
but, she does deserve it.
[ no offence seriously. just speaking from e bottom of my heart. ]
jiakang looked so serious and angry.
it was so damn scary larh.
he looked as if he might really hit her anytime.
and just when one wave of anger passed.
another came crashing down on her like a tsunami.
could practically hear them shouting at each other 2 floors away.
i was still telling Mich that day,
that one day, someone will teach her a lesson.
well, we made a guessing on who it'll be.
and i won. :D
the whole classroom atmosphere so intense.
everyone was stiffling with laughter?
i mean, who dared to laugh out loud at that point of time?
but you could see the ridiculous smile on everyone's face.
its the kind of smile you get when you are trying not to laugh,
but the emotion is strong that this weird smile spreads across your face.
you do get what i mean do you?

to Ling:
i didnt mean to get you scolded.
forgive me please!
he forced me to say who.
i really didnt say who it is.
but he guessed it i think.
i tried persuading him not to scold you.
i hoped it worked.
really didnt mean to get you scolded!

I Wanted You
i went to Genn's blog today.
i have no idea why.
but her blog always has these very nice songs.
and i would always fall in love with the songs in her blog.
apologies to Genn for taking your blog song.
but i thought that everyone should get a chance to know this song.
this song is really very sweet and alluring.
so are the lyrics.

well, just like Genn.
i've decided to include the lyrics for this song.
so enjoy people!

Song: I Wanted You
Artist: Ina

Lately I've been thinking about what I can do
I've been stressing to fall back in love with you
I'm so sorry that I couldn't follow through
But I can't go on this way. I've got to stop it babe
You've been wonderful in all that you can be
But it hurts when you say that you understand me
So believe me.
I, I am sorry, I, I am sorry, I, I
I wanted you to be there when I fall
I wanted you to see me through it all
I wanted you to be the one I loved
I wanted you, I wanted you
I wanted you to hold me in my sleep
I wanted you to show me what I need
I wanted you to know just how down deep
I wanted you, I wanted you
I've been pushing hard to open up the door
Trying to take us back to where we were before
But I'm done. I just can't do this anymore
'Cuz we can't be mended, so let's stop pretending now
We've been walking around in circles for some time
And I think we should head for the finish line
So believe me. I, I am sorry, I, I am sorry, I, I
I wanted you to be there when I fall
I wanted you to see me through it all
I wanted you to be the one I loved
I wanted you, I wanted you
I wanted you to hold me in my sleep
I wanted you to show me what I need
I wanted you to know just how down deep
I wanted you, I wanted you
I, I.. I'm so sorry baby
But I, I.. I gotta pack up and leave
But I, I'll always remember how we came close..
to being how I wanted to be
I wanted you baby
I wanted you
I wanted you to be there when I fall
I wanted you to see me through it all
I wanted you to be the one I loved
I wanted you, I wanted you
I wanted you to hold me in my sleep
I wanted you to show me what I need
I wanted you to know just how down deep
I wanted you, I wanted you

to all who are worried bout me
please do not worry anymore.
i am really fine.
after so many days,
my tears have dried up in me.
and the sadness have just been all locked up somewhere in me.
yeah, i do still love him.
but since things have turned out this way,
i cant help but keep moving on.
things will work out its own way as time passes.
who knows the future yeah?
just because i have failed in the category love,
it doesnt mean that..
i have to cry non-stop like those silly girls [no offence]..
i have to lock myself up and get all quiet..
i have to get all depressed and emotional..
i have to lose all my friends..
i have to NOT act like me!
i am ME. and i will always be ME.
nothing can change that fact.
i'll be living my life as per normal.
feel free to ask me for advise if you ever need them.
HEY! just because i am emotionally hurt,
it doesnt mean that i am emotionally crippled.
i'm still here to give people advises and help when needed.
i'm right here for all of you. ESPECIALLY HIM.
A true Friend i am,
A true Lover i'll be.. ♥

You Are Here.

are you here?

i just read you are here again.
the story would make me feel better.
no matter how depressed or sad i am.
but today,
it didnt work.
instead, it made me feel worst.
much much worst.
the plot of this simple story reminded me of him.
it's just the way that the author emphasised on first love,
that it reminded me of his story with his first love.
yeah, i must admit.
their story was a very sweet one.
and a pitiful one.
their story should nv have ended that way.
the incident should nv have happened.
he would have perhaps be smiling everyday, living in bliss with her.
i know, i would nv have met him if it didnt happened.
but so? at least he would be happy with the one he loved.
the one that he has truly loved all his life.
yes, i know he said that all his current gf would be placed infront of her.
but still, first love, true love, would always be the first place in him.
nothing can ever take the place of her.
i knew at once when he told me about her.
i knew that nothing can ever take her place.
yet, i still demanded so much from him.
i went overboard.
actually, i would nv have known him.
i wasnt even supposed to go to Escape in the first place.
if this isnt fate,
then i dont know what it really is.
i wasnt even planning to go Escape in the first place,
if it wasnt the constant bugging of bearbear for me to go Escape,
i would nv have went.
the possibility of me going to Escape that day was so slim.
i planned to stay at home that saturday,
to study, to revise, to finish all the March Holiday Homework.
dont call me a bookworm!
i didnt touch my homework for a full 7days!
and, i hadnt even recovered from my ankle injury.
yet, i ignored the pain and went for the outing.
everything was planned,
i knew what i was going to wear.
something casual, something that brought out the hyper personality in me.
however, my mom refused at the very last minute.
saying that i didnt complete my work.
i cried. i really cried.
i wondered why my mom was always interfering in my business.
however, 5 mins later. i dried my tears.
i refuse to submit towards her.
i pulled out my homework and worked like nv before.
i was determined to go out.
for the first time in my life,
i completed my A Math, my E Math, my Chem in less than 1 & 1/2 hours.
i even wrote finish a 8-page Chinese Essay in less than an hour.
this was a miracle.
it normally took me 2 hours to fill up 2 pieces of paper.
finally, my mom saw my determination and submitted to my request.
my father promised to fetch me there.
i thought that there was nothing more to worry.
what i had nv expected,
was my father hearing the wrong destination.
he was so furious when he heard that he drove to the wrong location.
i got blamed for no reason.
i rmb saying specifically where the destination was.
luckily, i found the location on the road directory,
and it was also quite near to the wrong location.
so my father drove me there.
upon walking towards Escape,
i sprained my ankle the second time.
couldnt help it.
i was injured in the first place, and i was not even supposed to go out.
the doc gave me a 1-week MC.
and she specifically instructed NOT to go out for that whole week.
and NOT to remove the bandage.
well, i was nv one to heed the words of a doctor.
and with the backing of my mischievous behavior,
i cant help but do the opposite of what others say.
i nv imagined myself to get emotionally attached to him.
on that saturday,
he was the only one who really LOOKED and SPOKE like a guy.
he was the only one who was less geek and is older than me,
compared to the rest of the guys.
and he was the only one who thinks normally,
at least think alike as me.
the rest.. i think i better not mention.
that saturday,
i felt very secured around him.
i didnt know why.
i seldom went out till so late,
because i was always afraid of the indian workers around the district.
i've heard tales from my mother,
that the indian workers tailed girls from my area.
i mean come on,
one of the girls was my next-door neighbour?!
how was i suppose to NOT freak out.
who told those idiot neighbours who want to show off their fking money,
to keep renovating their houses.
such that a pretty stretch of 2 rows of 2-storeys terraces got destroyed.
now, it's a ugly stretch of 2 rows of 2 or 3 storey terraces.
the uniformity was destroyed.
all thanks to No.80.
that idiot owner started the chain and fashion of having 3-storey terrace houses.
extra people.
wished they nv moved here.
anyway, back to the story.
even sitting the MRT home myself freaked me out.
i heard from Mich that there was once,
when she was taking the MRT to school.
she was standing near to the metal pole,
so that she could grip it for support.
and then there was this indian guy standing near too.
and he was also gripping the metal pole.
i know, you're thinking..
hey! this is no big deal what!
BUT! the indian guy kept placing his hands on mich's hands.
when mich moved her hands to grip the lower part of the metal pole,
he moved his hands to the lower part as well.
when mich moved her hands to grip the upper part of the metal pole,
he moved his hands to grip the upper part as well.
MRTs are not always as safe and prevert-free as we think they are.
anyway, Alexx saw me to CCK mrt station.
to be honest,
i wasnt even sure what bus from Escape to the nearest MRT station as well.
lucky he was there with me, or i would nv have gotten home.
having him right there beside me,
was really a blessing.
i must admit that at that point of time,
i thought,
hey! if this guy was mine, i would be the luckiest girl in the world.
but sad for me at that point of time.
he had a gf already.
so my thinking was..
AWW! Bad news girl. sad for you! ><
but the good thing was,
heaven did give me a chance with him after all.
yeah it was only for a month.
but it was a really happy month for me :)
would nv have regretted it.
would only have wanted more of it!

I Musn't Cry.

" i musn't cry. "
this was what i told myself.
i thought that the breakup wouldn't affect me.
i knew that we were gonna be over soon.
even i myself could feel it fading.

i did try searching for it again.
but it was of no avail.
i just simply couldn't get it back.
so i thought this was it.
what i nv imagined was the feeling to return right after we were over.
i guess this was what they meant by,
you only know how to cherish things, only after you have lost them.
normally i would have cried after hearing what my parents said.
but yestd,
no matter how harsh their words were.
no matter how they said me.
no tears came.
i dont know why.
it simply didnt come.
i wanted to let out all my sadness, all my anger.
but i couldnt. it was all trapped in me.
then, you broke up with me.

right after another torrent of words from them.
i wanted to cry again. i wanted to let everything out.
but i couldnt.
i could feel them piling up one by one on me.
i sought help from pearl. sought help from Genn.
they kept me company. but i must be frank,
i dont feel any better.
but i really appreciate their company.
they helped me to pass the night.
the night where i was supposed to lie in bed, crying.
this morning,
i woke up.
i checked my hp.
wondered why there was no reply from you.
then i rmb-ed what i did last night.
i let go of you. everything suddenly came back to my mind.
finally, the tears started forming in my eyes.
but i held them all back.
i stopped them from flowing out.
i refused to cry.
i didnt have the right to cry.
it is all my fault that this has happened.
i was the one who let go of you.
so i dont deserve to cry.
many times today,
the tears have formed in my eyes all of a sudden.
but i held them back.
i cant cry now.
i dont have the time to cry.
i cant have my mood affecting my family.
i must put on a brave front.
i must act as if nothing has happened.
you said that the only chance of us patching.
was only after my O Levels ended.
i must admit to you that,
this has become my motivation to study.
to get good grades.
i want to prove to you that i can do it.
i dont want to let you down.
i know that you are breaking with me,
because you want me to study hard.
you dont want to distract me.
i wont let your efforts go to waste.
but are you capable of waiting for me for 7months?
do you really mean it?
i told you before,
its really hard to trust pple now.
its hard for me to believe in someone's promise.
you told me that i could trust you. i could believe you.
but you broke all your promises to me as well.
7months is a very long time.
i know that you would get a new stead.
it's easy for you to get a new girl.
i'm not saying that you cant get a new one.
i cant really expect you to be single for 7months.
but, look.
whats the possibility of us getting tgt after 7months if you have a girl?
i cant ask you to break with her just to be with me right?
it's simply not fair towards her.
i really dont know what to do now.
i'm really looking forward to us getting tgt 7 months later after my Os.
it is now my motivation to study.
i cant help worrying bout the future.
i know i should be set on the present.
but it's hard. really hard.
i keep regretting one thing that i should have done yestd.
i really wanted to hug you yestd when i saw you.
but i thought we had the whole day left.
why bother doing it now?
i didnt imagine myself regretting it later on.
i really want a last hug from you.
we broke off so suddenly.
i started regretting the minute i said it.
started missing you constantly.
yeah. we were only tgt for a month.
a month is really short.
but it has enough memories to make me miss you like mad.
i rmb scolding you with tons of vulgarities the first time we met.
i rmb sabotaging you to be a head tnc.
i rmb how we cheated in the games during the TWINS outing.
i rmb how you screamed at me from the other side of the pirate ship.
i rmb how you bugged me to ride the inverter with you.
i rmb how you called me a coward because i refused to take that ride.
i rmb you letting me know about your past,
about your background while we were waiting for the bus.
i rmb how we chatted non-stop on the mrt.
i rmb the sense of security that you gave me while i was around you.
i rmb how i fussed over you when i knew you were ill the next day.
i rmb how i fell in love with you again when i met you again the next thursday.
i rmb how you cared me nonchantly while we were at vivo.
i rmb how you forced me to eat. i rmb the expression on Angie's face when we told her we were tgt.
i rmb how dumb you looked when i introduced you to my frens.
i rmb how you held me tightly on the mrt, preventing me from falling.
i rmb how you saw me home to safety.
i rmb how you adjusted your busy schedule just to go out with me to get things that i needed.
i rmb how you went with me to my school for the campfire.
i rmb the expression you gave when you saw what i made for our dinner.
i rmb how you postponed things that you had to do just for me.
i rmb how much i actually loved you.
there's so many things i rmb.
so many details.
even the tiniest details of all can bring back tons of feelings.
i really regretted what i did.
but i knew i cant turn the clock back.
i've to follow the path that i have chosen.
i've got to simply just wait and see where it leads.
i really hope that it would lead me back to you once again.
i promise that i would have my meals regularly so you wont have to harp on me non-stop.
i promise i would take good care of myself and not let myself fall ill constantly.
i promise that i wont have you worrying bout me.
i promise i would spend lots of time with you.
i promise i would give you all of my attention.
i promise i would no longer take you for granted.
i promise i would cherish you more.
but that is only if..
we can be tgt again.
i look forward to that date.
whatever the outcome may be.
i still wish that you get the happiness you deserve.
may the girl be me or not me,
i still wish for your safety and for you to be healthy.
till we meet again,
till our path cross each other again,
take care 猪猪.

My Dearest Girl.

thanks for that email.
i really felt better.
much much better.
yes, at times, i did badmouth bout you. =X
but it's only because i'm jealous about you too.
you had everything i ever wanted.
well mostly everything. [ excluding my dear! dont you snatch him from me! ]
you had the intelligence i wanted,
you had the beauty inner and out,
you had the popularity,
you had the status prefect, [ i once considered being a prefect alot, but seeing you and sinhui suffering because you 2 were prefects changed my mind. it told me how horrid being a prefect was. ]
you had the highest ranking in guides,
you had the guy i ONCE wanted. [ dear dont get jealous. ONCE WANTED!! ]
you were the favorite of teachers,
you just practically had everything i wanted.
i've got to admit that we've not been very fair with just other.
we've been listening to what others say us,
but we havent been listening to what we really want to tell each other.
i want to let you know,
i've never regretted joining guides,
because it's the reason i got to know you.
for 4 years, ever since i knew you,
you were the one topping my list of best friends.
whenever i feel really sad,
when i wanted to tell someone things to,
you'd always appear in my mind first.
but i knew how busy you were and that,
you had your own personal problems to settle as well.
i simply couldnt bear to trouble you.
i've seen you suffering under all the pressure given by everyone.
i dont want to be part of the cause of you breaking down.
it really breaks my heart when i see you that way.
especially when you refused to tell me what happened and why you were that sad.
it's like you couldnt trust me anymore.
couldnt believe in me anymore.
it seemed to me that you had closed your doors upon me,
refusing me entry.
so all i could do was stand outside,
waiting for you to open up again.
do you rmb the 2007 guides camp last year?
do you rmb what happened on the second night?
well, after making sure that amanda didnt let her tastebud ruin the barley drink.
i rushed up to find you again.
but you werent there anymore.
no one knew where you went.
you didnt take a flashlight or whistle along with you.
i really feared for your safety.
i called you so many times but you refused to answer my call.
i rmb the rest calling me crazy when i took my cup,
filled it with the barley drink,
and went around looking for you with it.
i knew you hadnt been eating much since camp started.
i was worried that by the time i found you,
the drink might have gone cold.
but thank heaven,
you finally answered my call,
and we ended up walking towards each other without knowing.
you didnt know how i felt at that point of time did you?
it was a really blissful moment for me,
because it's been a really very long time,
since i last felt this close to you girl.
do you rmb only the 2 of us going for a second buddy hike walk?
in the middle of the night at 3am?
and we still walked from the ending to the start,
even though it was strictly prohibited.
it was pitch dark..
to be frank,
i was really afraid,
i was shivering non-stop.
but knowing that you were there right beside walking with me,
was what kept me going on.
finally, we finished walking.
though both of us were completely exhausted,
but walking the buddy hike together,
especially the fact that we walked from the ending to the start,
was really enjoyable for me.
it was really a memorable night girl.
we stayed up till 5am.
finally, i couldnt take it any longer because i was ill as well.
i dragged my sleeping bag into the guide den and slept there,
while you stayed awake all the way till the next day.
you saw how tired i was.
you took the initiative to do my duty.
you woke the juniors.
you made the breakfast.
you did everything that i was supposed to be doing.
while you were doing everything for me,
i was away in guide den, sleeping soundly all the way till 7++
i really must thank you girl.
thanks to those few extra hours of rest,
i was feeling much better.
i had been suffering from the illness since the first day of camp,
when i got drenched.
i was running on a high fever, had flu and i kept wanting to puke.
but thanks to you,
i felt less worst than before. thank you girl.

everyone have a limit to their patience.
even i have one myself. and i'm about to lose my patience soon.
that idiot didnt even tell me what time we are meeting each other and where.
and to think today is our 1st month anniversary.
he's either sleeping or zakuming.
anyway, i still want to kill him.
back to the point.
girl, dont worry so much.
you settle your things first kay?
i'll be fine.
besides, i still have my music and my diary with me.
the worst come to the worst,
is that i'll completely shut myself up.
ignore everyone.
feel like i'm about to burst open.
cry myself to sleep every night.
think pessimistic.
undergo a complete personality change.
and wait till i'm feeling much better before facing the real world again.
it has happened before. and it worked pretty well for me.
i did feel much better. i really did.
but the idea of storing everything in me hadnt really worked out well.
occassionally, some of the things still haunt me.
but i treat it as a gentle reminder not to make the same mistake again.
so dont fret for me.
when i need you,
i will call you. i promise i will.
you take care girl.
i dont want to see you breaking down anymore.
just as much as you dont want to see me breaking down.
though i seriously doubt you havent seen me break down before.
only one person did. and he's the first one.
bahh! it's the past. what am i thinking?
well, i need to go bathe already.
going to the library to study.
take care of yourself girl.
love you lots! ♥

Something has happened to you. What's wrong?

"Something has happened to you. What's wrong?"

that day,
after geog lesson,
mdm zainab called me to her,
and she asked me this question.
she said that recently, i've been ignoring her alot.
i'm not talking in class that much anymore.
i'm not voicing out my thoughts that much anymore.
i'm not volunteering myself to help out that much anymore.
i'm not smiling that much anymore.
i've been too quiet, too silent.
she said that it just doesnt seem to be me anymore.
i used to be the first one to receive her when she steps into the class.
i'd leave my seat, walk up to her before she reaches the door.
greet her with a smile, initiate to take the visualiser and then help her set it up.
but as i said, i used to do that. but not anymore.
i dont know why either. i just dont do it anymore.
she asked me if she did anything wrong or whatsoever.
she asked why i was like that now.
to be frank,
i had no idea why also.
but i knew she needed a reply,
so i answered her saying that i was just very tired recently.
been staying back everyday till 5.30pm.
been staying up late in the night to study.
i could see that she wasnt really very convinced with my answer.
i avoided looking at the her in the eyes.
i really couldnt.
because tears were swelling up in my eyes.
i didnt want her to see them. she would get even more worried then she is now.

her question got me thinking.
whats wrong with me?
i've been thinking for 1 whole day.
and i think i've finally gotten the answer.
the reason why i'm not talking anymore.
the reason is simple and its the fact.
i dont feel like talking anymore. i dont want to talk anymore.
for ages, i've been looking for someone to talk to.
someone that i can tell my things to.
i know that many of you would say,
look! you can tell us. we'll listen.
i know that. i really know that you guys would listen.
but the main problem is.
are you there for me?
i've many pple to tell to. i do know that.
but you pple are never there for me to tell to.
so after keeping it in me for so long,
i've learned to keep it there, store it there.
being close to the guys in 4E4 have taught me one thing.
most things are better left unsaid.
as the chinese phrase goes,
thus, i dont want to talk anymore.

i know i know. what are friends for?
they're there for you to divulge your things to.
but look.
dear- he's busy with his things, barely have time to chat with me moreover, time for me to tell things to him. hard to reach him and get to him as well. tired of trying to get him to listen though he nv will.
jingting- she's busy with ah-kin. i dont want to disturb her.
naomi- there for me at times but views things at a different point.
pearlie- she's busy.
michelle- i dont really know her through and through yet.
sinhui- she has her guy to settle. my issues are gonna make her mad.

heyhey! no offence to you all.
but it's a fact.
since things have gotten this far,
i dont want to talk anymore.
because i dont see a need to and i dont feel like talking as well.
sorry mdm zainab.
but dont worry for me.
i'll be fine i'll be alright.
life will still go on as usual for me.
the Earth will continue to rotate on its axis as time waits for no one..
i know i shouldnt lock myself up.
but even i cant find the key to open myself up.
it's gone. it's missing.
i cant find it.
unless someone can duplicate a new one.
i'm not even sure if there's such a thing as duplicating a new one..
but i do know that i'm not talking anymore.
and that's it.

happy birthday jingkuang!


honestly, jingkuang got me thinking,
is there something called a vegetarian cake?
jingkuang ate a missydonut,
though he knew that it wasnt vegetarian!
horh horh!
anyway, is there such a thing called a vegetarian cake?
egg is needed for the dough of the cake.
and vegetarians are not allowed to eat eggs.
its kind of saddening if you dont get a cake for your birthday.
i honestly mean it.
because i'm one of those kids who dont always get a cake for their birthday.
its even considered a MIRACLE if someone rmbs my birthday.
moreover getting a cake for my birthday!

i rmb spending my 15th birthday like this..
being awoken up by my parents at 8am in the morning
just to wish me happy birthday.
and off to work they went, and for me, back to sleep.
woke up again at 11.30am.
stepped out of the room.
glanced around to face the person who wished me.
and i only saw the back of her.
apparently, the comp. was more attractive than me. BOTHER!
switched on the tv and found nothing of interest.
started rampaging the stack of VCDS/DVDS.
found sth interesting and popped it into the DVD player.
forgot bout breakfast and lunch completely.
watched till my parents called.
informing us to change as we were going out for dinner in celebration of my birthday.
went to ichiban for sushi.
due to the fact that i didnt eat breakfast and lunch,
i was extremely hungry.
while my sister was ordering from the menu,
i finished 4 plates of sushi from the buffet strip.
10mins later,
i couldnt eat a single bite anymore.
why? because i ate too fast thus causing indigestion.
my mom started ranting at me for eating so fast.
after eating,
my parents went back to work AGAIN.
while my sister went OUT for work.
so i was to go home alone.

and that was how i spent 30/12/2007.
totally boring isnt it?
typical birthday. always no surprises. its just another day.
kinda getting used to it already.
been happening for 15years already.
what more can i expect?

to be honest,
i kind of envied jingkuang.
the amount of birthday presents he get.
lucky all his ex not from our class der.
if not, i cant imagine how black their face will be =X
well, i guess everyone have a different kind of birthday experience.
some pass their birthdays in silence,
while some pass it with lots of joy.

no matter what,
it's still a red-letter day.
as its the day your appearance on the planet EARTH,
where you added to the staggering figure of carbon dioxide being emitted,
the increased amount of pollution due to your presence.
i'm being a little pessimistic here aint i?
nonetheless, THATS A FACT!
rmb, the Earth is being harmed everyday due to the works of mankind.
we should do our part in saving mother nature,
or we would suffer from the causes of mankind one day.
to be truthful,
we are already suffering from the causes of mankind.
look at the temp. of SG.
in the past, 34degress celsius was considered to be an abnormal daily temp.
but for now, it's no big deal.
love yourself & others by loving Mother Earth!


finally my parents got the family a NEW COMP!
nothing can be better than this.
the old comp was too cmi.
i'm not complaining that it is lousy but..
it's been fixed too many times and all the parts have been changed before,
even the power button is.. er.. i'd rather not mention it.
new comp! new modem!
nothing can be better than this!
okay next next next!


received presents from my pearlie.
to pearl: LOVE IT LOTS! thanks girl. the glass ornament is now my no.1 display possession.

gave presents to PLENTY of people ( to be exact 36! )
i bought 40 lollipops,
but i ended up taking 2,
Chester and JoneLum took 2 each,
so only 36 people managed to get them.
SORRY TO ALL WHO DIDNT GET IT! but happy friendship day all the same!

now i finally understand the meaning of,
"to give is better than to receive"
though i've only received one present,
but to give out presents to 36 people,
i've never felt any better :)

i just realised that not everyone can see the actual font of my blog.
so i made the effort to search for the link to download the font.
people, you can trust me.
i guarantee ZERO virus in these 2 folders.
i would never harm you.
so just click on the link,
download the 3 fonts,
and view my blog in its actual fonts! :)

Font: PEEPS!
Font: Abscissa
Font: Marky Marker

Save the font in your own folder --> copy from your folder --> go control panel --> look for the folder named "Fonts" --> click it! --> paste it! --> enjoy the fonts.

life can never be better than this.
i've never expected time to fly so fast.
it's just a matter of 5 days,
and it would mark the significance of a month.
a month..
time flies so fast..
i wonder how many long more of bliss and happiness i can enjoy..
i really hope it never ends..
would it ever end?
can you answer that question for me?
can you give me an answer to my question?