The battlefield for survival or for love?

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


Just because I don't love you the way you want me to, it does not mean that I don't love you. You say I don't appreciate the things that you do, but I do, I really do. Instead, I think that you are the one who doesn't appreciate the things I do, the things that I have done silently for you. I know I am contradicting my own words by expecting you to appreciate something which you do not know that I have done for you, I suppose this is because I am getting quite tired from you not seeing me.

Today, as I stood before the toilet bowl in one of the cubicles in the girls' toilet, holding my hair up with one hand, while regurgitating everything that I had ate in less than 5 minutes ago, something in me tweaked. I finally realised, how sick I actually was. How loving you has resulted in my illness. There is no physical cure for it, I can't expect to take paracetamol or lomotil or some other drug, and be cured like all other illnesses. This is different. And honestly, I know there is a cure, there are many cures in fact, it's just that which cure is the right one to take? Till I know which cure is the right one to take or perhaps the cure that I wish to take is finally available for me, I will do my best to fight to live. Hoping that for each day that I manage to survive, I am one step closer to my desired outcome.

As much as I hate running, I know how crucial the last lap is. It isn't about who crosses the finishing line first or who crosses the finishing line last. It is about giving your all, throwing all caution into the wind, giving it your best shot, and most importantly, being glad that at the end of the race, you went through all that shit.. And didn't give up. Everyone wants to win, but really, is winning that important? The medal that you get, will merely be sitting in a corner of your room, gathering dust. It is however, the experience that you will always remember, that will never be forgotten. And so, I will throw all caution into the wind, and give it my best shot. Praying that at the end of this race, my efforts will pay off.. Because really, even though it isn't all about winning, everyone hates losing.

Standing on the shore

Tuesday, September 28, 2010



I'll admit, I am an idiot.

Because of love, I'll tolerate your nuisance.

Friday, September 24, 2010



Credits: My girlfriend, Genevieve Lim.

It's time to partay!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Partyworld with my sister!



I like the agar-agar. *points at the purplish blue stuff*



Bubble Milk Tea. (Not as in those kind of pearls in bubble teas, but real bubbles!) I'm telling you, it's mad awesome!!









My sister gets me cracking whenever she doesn't know how to sing a part of a song, because she would start going off-key deliberately. I'm glad that I am still capable of hearing. She sounds really really horrible when she goes off-key - seriously unimaginably horrible.


She loves my Satchi bag too.

At times I wonder, why am I so crazy? Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, I do not have an answer for that. I'm having one of my crazy moments now. I think it is partly due to Katy Perry's songs. And Eric's random insanity on Twitter. This is a crazy world. I live in a crazy world. Woohooo!

This is my answer...

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Superman


I want my superman back. Please...

For the past 6 months, she has been crying everyday, without fail. Everyday. She isn't crying deliberately, who would be stupid enough to cry deliberately? Furthermore, it is a minimum of twice a day. Go calculate yourself how much tears she has been shedding in just the past 6 months? Probably enough to fill quite a number of African kids' water bottle. Even a leaky water tap wouldn't want to be dripping water constantly. What more a human, who is very much alive even though life is like a living hell without superman? She can't die because if she does, what about her parents who love her so dearly? It's all right if the world is unfair to her, but she can't make the world unfair for her parents. That would be a heinous crime. One which even she wouldn't forgive herself for.

Her mother often asks her, 'What are you doing in the toilet? You take a whole hour to shower. Waste water you know!' She replies her mother, 'Showering lah! What more can I do in a toilet? Besides, shit that is.' In actual fact, she only takes 10-15 minutes to shower, the rest of the 45-50 minutes is spent sitting on the bathroom floor crying. As the water run past her, they wash her tears away, yet the tears seem as though they weren't willing to ever stop. She faces a blank wall and she screams silently. As she mouths all the vulgarities she can think of, all she hopes is that through this, she can stop hurting, she can stop crying, she can stop thinking about superman, she can somehow stop loving superman. But obviously, it isn't working. Because she still loves superman. And, she loves him alot alot alot. So much that she never knew about it initially, and when she found out, she was surprised - surprised by how much she actually loves superman, it was more than she can ever imagine.

Every night, her father never fails to walk in to check on his precious daughter. If she was in bed already, he would check the windows and make sure that they were closed properly, then he would walk to her bed, pull her blanket up a little higher and tuck her in, making sure that she was kept warm in her chilly air-conditioned room. Then he would walk with very light footsteps to the door, and while closing the door, he made sure that he did it very softly because he didn't want to wake her up. What he never knew was that she never asleep. She was always awake when he walked in. She was lying in bed, crying silently. Her tears dampened her bedsheets, her blanket, her pillow. But she couldn't care about them, all she had in mind was to cry all her pain away, yet the pain was so stubborn, because it never grew less. It was as painful as it was when superman left 6 months ago. Eventually, she cried herself to sleep. By the time she fell asleep, it was already 4AM in the morning, and she had to wake up at 6AM if it was a school day. On worst nights, it is as if crying to sleep isn't bad enough, she dreamt about superman. She would get startled awake when superman disappeared from her dreams all of a sudden. For the first few seconds, she would think, where did superman go to? Why did he suddenly disappeared? And then reality hit her, superman left long ago. Superman left 6 months ago. Then her vision would get blurry, she could feel her cheeks getting wet again, her pillow being dampened once again by her tears. She was crying again. In 2 hours, she cried twice. When her mother walked in at 6AM to wake her up, she never knew that her daughter had cried the night before. Her daughter made sure her parents never knew about her crying. She always made sure to do it silently because the last thing she had in mind, was making her parents worry for her.

However, no matter how brilliantly she tries to make sure that when she cries, her parents are either busy watching the television or they are asleep already, at times, they walk in on her at a wrong timing. She would turn away, hastily wipe the tears away, and add a cheery tone to her voice such that it didn't sound like she was crying when they walked in. Now, she is even capable of forcing a laughter out of herself, making jokes which didn't seem all that funny to her, but she knew that the jokes would make her parents laugh. And when they walked out, the tears would surface again immediately, staining her spectacles, wetting her cheeks. Hearing her parents' laughter was all that mattered. Not letting them worry for her was the most important thing. The last thing she had in mind, was her parents knowing that their precious daughter is crying everyday, twice a day at least, because of superman.

The love she feels for superman, is more than what anyone can ever imagine. As corny as it sounds, she feels as though she was born into this world to love superman. All she wants is to love superman, with all the love that is meant for him only. It isn't like she hadn't tried hating superman. She did, she even came up with a childish revenge plot which she gave up on because she simply loved him far too much to take any silly revenge. It isn't like she didn't try liking someone else. She did, but it just felt wrong, because she knew that deep inside her, the one she love is superman, and not that guy who is better than him in so many terms. If she could measure the love she had for superman, then anything else in this world which is measurable will become immeasurable.

- What did I do to make you love me so much?
- Nothing, shouldn't you know that better now? If not, why would I have started loving you since we were 7 when you did nothing at all.
- That is illogical.
- Love is illogical.
- But you are crying at least twice a day because of this love.
- You are putting a definition to my love. However, love cannot be defined. Thus, my crying has nothing to do with love.


Get it? Love cannot be defined. If you can stick a definition to it, then it isn't love.. Superman, why am I the one suffering from your mistakes? Why is it that even though you've changed, the one benefitting from the change isn't me? Yet I am still the one suffering from your change? Why am I the one suffering..? Why do I love you so much still?

And there are no answers to any of the above questions. Every question is still an unresolved mystery.

The day is set.

Sunday, September 12, 2010



The day is set.

It aren't gonna be words only. This time, I really mean it. I am really gonna take action. I have enlisted the help of Bestie. I have had enough of just talking about it, and doing it with half a heart, okay maybe three-quarters. This time round, I'm giving it my all. I will be doing it with my whole heart. This is not for anyone, this will be for myself.

This will be for me to mend my broken heart. This will be for me to stop avoiding what I should be able to face full-front. This will be a major transformation. This will be a dramatic change. This is what I call, superficiality.

And like what I said, I'm not sorry for being superficial. Not anymore. This is what I will be. This is what I should be. This is me.

And it will start friday.

Hearts my Bestie

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Me: My friend called me a bimbo :(
Bestie: That's great!
Me: Why? :O
Bestie: Because you show them later that you're a fucking genius. And then you will have style and brains at the same time!

I really gotta give it to my best friend sometimes. It is true that his obstination drives me so insane that I wanna just yank all his hair out of his head even though he just had an expensive haircut. Especially when he starts talking about his strawberry, then I've gotta chant pretty babe 5 times. Also, when he starts his gibberish about computers, physics, the universe and whatnots, my eyes will grow as wide as fishballs and there will be an instant blank in my head, and I'd go.. "WHAT is he talking about...?" However, I must give him due credit for my gain in general knowledge! He is my walking encyclopedia. Well, sort of. HAHA

A few days ago, we had a huge argument over some trivial issues, and I was partly to be blamed. (I'm sorry Bestie) A cold war was established between the two of us for two days, and honestly, I really missed jabbering nonsense with him during those two days. Then, on the third day, he called. He asked if I was at home and if I could meet him at the shopping mall near my place because he had something he wanted to talk to me about. I agreed and I went to meet him. He didn't exactly talked to me. Instead, he passed me this...


Yes, this is the same Pluto plush toy I posted a picture of on this very blog not too long ago. The exact same one.

I was surprised. I was shocked. And most importantly, I felt bad. Really really really bad. It wasn't like I didn't feel apologetic before he gave me the plush toy. I did, but thanks to my pride, I just couldn't swallow it down again, to say sorry a second time. (I did say sorry once ok bestie! REMEMBER? Do not make me refresh your memory for you with an insincere apology.) When I got home, the first thing I did was ripped the wrapping apart, took off the price tags, hugged my pluto, went to my sister's room and reiterated the scene from Despicable Me ("It's so fluffy!! I think I'm gonna die!!!!") infront of my sister. She thought I went bonkers, I can't blame her for thinking that way.

My sister told me, "You are very lucky to have such a good best friend you know." Yes, I know that. I lost a boyfriend, but I gained so many best friends in return. And Bestie, you are one of the best guy friends I have ever had. I am glad I have you. Thank you Bestie, for being my best friend (:

AND, here are more pictures of Pluto! He is so cute! I think I'm gonna dieeeeeee!





Isn't he adorable?? :D

Ok, I think Bestie is going to kill me because I lied to him that I am doing my work and so I can't listen to his Jason Mraz songs. In actual fact, I am here composing this touching entry. Don't cry ok Bestie? I know I am very good at words. Hehe!

But really, thank you Bestie.


Post-Note: I was a little sad when Bestie went off to bed without reading this entry, because he was too upset over the strawberry for some particular reason again. I wrote this entry specially for him. I poured in so much effort and rushed it out so he wouldn't have to be kept awake for too long. In the end, he didn't get to read it. Stupid strawberry. :(

Now, forever, and everything in between

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

An extract from Mrs V's Wordpress
Every couple in love tells each other: “I will always love you”, “I will want you forever”. They use various terms of endearment like “baby”, “darling” and “sweetheart”. When we are in the NOW moment, it seems as though forever is a given. But anyone who has ever had a broken heart will know that promises made in the heat of the moment mean little. When someone says “I love you always” they really mean “I love you NOW”. Forever takes time.

If you want to know how much a man loves you, it is all the little things in between now and forever that you must take into account. When he braves encounters with your family because he thinks you’re worth it, when he waits ages for you to make up your mind about something, when he calls you during the day just to tell you what he is doing because he knows you think about him, when he teaches your children how to express their love for you, when he goes out of his way to protect you from all the things you fear, when he reveres you as a mother yet gets turned on by the way you look in a certain dress, when he urges you to follow your dreams, when he takes your every wish as his command, when he actually likes to hear the things you have to say, when he holds your hair back while you throw up because of morning sickness, when he massages your feet just because you like it, when he gets angry with people who hurt you, when he gets the car serviced because he is going to be travelling and he doesn’t want you to get stuck somewhere…

That is when you know he loves you. It happens between now and forever.

Hi, I think you can be my forever. I know you can't see me now, but I hope you will one day.
I will be right here waiting for you till the day you do.

Blue and Blurry

Tuesday, September 7, 2010



Hi, do you know that I am waiting for you? Where are you exactly? I know I've got to be patient, but really, I am running out of patience soon.

Do you know how jealousy courses through my veins when I see all most of my friends soaking in bliss of finding their other half, or going to be their other half? I get so annoyed by those who say they want to wait abit more that I just wanna grab a vase, smash their head with it and scream, "What are you waiting for?! Are you trying to torture people like me?! Asshole. Faster go say yes, buy a ring, get her a pretty white dress, get yourself a handsome tuxedo, book a church, book a pastor, walk down the aisle, get married and have 3 kids. I would gladly say yes if you want me to their godmother! Oh and, don't forget to live happily ever after too." When will my chance to get almost-smashed at by a vase and screamed by my single friends ever come? When are you ever gonna come? I don't like waiting, I really don't. But I doubt I have a choice. Can you please come quickly? Pretty pretty please. I am tired of waiting.

Even though I haven't met you yet, I miss you. I really do. You had better come quick or I might be the one smashing you with a vase instead, screaming at you, "Why did you keep me waiting for so long?! Just look at my rabbit eyes. You need to be responsible for them because I missed you so much that I cried every night. I hate you for making me wait so long." I might just even consider giving you a hard time before saying yes, in revenge for keeping me waiting for so long. I don't need any promises from you. I just need your love.

Come quick okay? I'm waiting for you...

Kare-oke at Cheena-town

Friday, 3rd September 2010. After my geography and economics paper, I went down to Chinatown to join 2 babes for Kbox. I almost killed Wan Lin because she is terrible in giving directions.

Wan Lin: Take the long long escalator. Then turn right and walk down that stretch of pathway.
Me: What pathway?! I only see Bee Cheng Hiang!
Wan Lin: Where are you?? Why got Bee Cheng Hiang?!
Me: I'm in... (looks around) Chinatown!!!
Wan Lin: Duh right. I know you are in Chinatown.
Me: No really! Got red lantern and old shop-houses and old uncles and chinese calligraphy and...
Wan Lin: You turn right, face the back, then you walk, then you will see a building. It is that building.
Me: Okay wait, I try. (walks for abit) Is the building called.. (reads the neon lighting) Basement Two..?
Wan Lin: Why are you at basement two?!?! We are at the fourth floor!
Me: No no. I am asking you if the building is called Basement Two?
Wan Lin: The building is called lucky plaza. [Side note: The building is actually called lucky chinatown -.-]
Me: Where got?! Ok wait, I walk abit more.
Wan Lin: Just walk straight.
Me: If I walk straight I bang into the fencing already!
Wan Lin: Aiya, just walk lah!
Me: Wah lao!! The Basement Two building is the building lah!
Wan Lin: We are at the fourth floor! Not basement two!!
Me: ....Nevermind. I am coming up now. (enters the elevator)

Fyi, I walked to and fro that freaking building and the MRT station 3 times! Just imagine how stupid I must have looked. Urrgh! Embarrassing.

Violet Blackberry!




Suj wouldn't let me upload any other pictures. Or she would kill me. Especially the picture of her smiling at her food. Lol!

I wish I took a picture of the dinner - Nasi Lemak & Wanton Noodle - we had there. It was omfg good. Super addictive! Ok, maybe it was because I was very hungry. I only had 2 meals for the past 2 days? Go figure. I think I am becoming anorexic. That is so uber cool! (Do not send me to IMH, I am perfectly sane thank you.)

They have a really cute waiter there. I was 1 and a half hour late? (Hehe..) He saw me and when I said, "I need to go to room 817?", he commented, "You are really late! Your friends have been waiting for you." and then he gave me a really cute smile and directed me to the room my friends were in. (Awww..) He kept coming in to serve us - okay well, serve me because my friends had already ordered their dinner and their drink. But umm.. He is.. Abit.. Short ya.. Like slightly taller than me or perhaps the same height as me when I have heels on? Okay, I shall end here for this paragraph. I feel awful.

Kbox at Cheena-town is mad awesome! They have the latest technology there - touchscreen! No more confusing remote controls, no more stupid buttons! Sujean called me a bimbo though. :(
Because...
Me: Eh! How to go back to the page which shows all the songs we chose?
Suj: There, you go here. (taps the screen)
Me: I say the page which shows all the songs we chose lah. You show me all the singers for what!
Suj: Eh? Oh. I thought you wanted that. Erm... Let me see....
Me: Is it this one? The biggest button on the screen! (taps on it before she can say anything)
Suj: Wah lao!! Bimbo leh you! Biggest button on the screen!
Me: What! Isn't it suppose to be the case?!
Suj: Bimbo!!!

And she continued laughing at me for another 15 minutes. Also, the biggest button on the screen didn't bring me to the page that I wanted to go to. It made Suj laugh even harder. Wan Lin came to the rescue and helped me get to the page I wanted. Sujean called me a bimbo. :(((

I didn't sing much that day. I was too busy sipping on my violet blackberry. Loves! And chewing on the jelly! Loves x2! I can't wait for Prelims to be over. I think there is gonna be another kbox date with my clique, plus a movie too! Relaxation is on its way.

I've already booked 2 girlfriends on 2 separate shopping trips. Hohohoho! I am gonna have lots of new stuff soon! Out with the old, in with the new!

Relationship

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Found this on my sister's facebook page while surfing around. It stunned me and enlightened me. All at the same time.
Read it, it'll be worth your time.

This is a very good article. Those who are still single may learn something from here...
Those who are already married may take it as a guideline to improve your marriage & relationship ...

DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?

During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, 'How do I know if I married the right person?'
I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, 'It depends. Is that your husband?'
In all seriousness, she answered 'How do you know?'

Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind.

Here's the answer.
EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse/partner. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies (unconventional behavior/habit).

Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called 'falling' in love... Because it's happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, 'I was swept off my feet.' Think about the imagery of that expression.
It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria (excitement) of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, 'Did I marry the right person?' And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else.
You could.

And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't 'find' LASTING love. You have to 'make' it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression 'the labor of love.' Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable... you can 'make' love.

Love in marriage is indeed a 'decision'... Not just a feeling.

Remember always this:
God determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let to walk away, who you let to stay, and who you refuse to let go.

See the last statement which I bolded? It is on the standby page of my phone and on my mind. It stirred up alot of thoughts. I have yet to come up with a conclusion.

It'll be something to think about other than the plan. It is a better alternative, for now.

The wind will still be blowing, the sun will still be shining

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

CJC Teachers' Day 2010 - Potluck









Geláre - Waffle with maple syrup + 2 scoops of ice cream
We had Swiss Chocolate Caramel and Macadamia Nut that day. Cookies and Cream wasn't in stock!! You can imagine how upset I was. But my sadness only lasted for a few nano-seconds. :P













Jantzen
My sister was killing her brain cells over whether she should keep her hair long or cut it short. And so, me, the little nice sister, went with her to Jantzen. On our way there, we debated on the issue of her hair length. I took the stand that she should keep her hair long because she was gonna rebond it anyway, and it will look uglier when it grows out again if she were to cut it short. So blah blah blah.. Conclusion? She took my advice and didn't cut her hair. Yay!!




The last shot is awesome, isn't it? I took it. *smirks*
Use Canon! It gives quality pictures that will be delighting you always. LOL!

Pastamania (again!)



This is my favourite drink, Blackberry Italian Soda. MAD LOVES.


The 3 pictures below show why Canon should be your desired camera:



I know, I love Canon too!

We saw this at Mini-Toons and I had this HUGE urge to buy it. I know it'll look super sweet on my laptop. I just know it. Also! It is less than $2! What a bargain! Decisions, decisions, decisions.....



Girlfriend, can we switch a venue next time? It's always been either New York New York or Pastamania! We need a change! How about Café Cartel next? Or perhaps Jack's place? It's been ages since I last patronized them. I've got a random craving for Sakae Sushi and Seoul Garden too. Hehs.

---


Alright, this has been a really really long entry. Prelims are on-going now. Exams and tuitions altogether - it is one helluva crazy week. I think I need another round of Geláre to de-stress.


"There are many souls out there, to be your soulmate." -wj