Not what I signed up for

I took my mobility supplementary exam today. Comments? IT SUCKED.

It doesn't help that I spent so much freaking time in school on it today, made a whole lot of effort to study it and tried my best to do it right yet... I still flunk it. I flunked all my 3 bloody attempts. I've got one last chance tomorrow. *cross fingers*

Here I am trying to get all the terms and logics of Human Anatomy into my head... And there is this small little voice in my head asking me: "What are you doing?" Very frankly, I have no shitting idea.

Give me a chance and I might just choose to be a math tutor for the rest of my life. Sense of satisfaction, accomplishment and definitely, a lack of moral degradation. What it feels like now is how I felt when I studied for A level Chemistry. I had no bloody idea how I was ever going to apply what I learn and it wasn't getting to me at all.

Ironically now, I'm in a health science education... which means studying parts of the human body is applicable and TECHNICALLY it should be getting to me... Right?

*hits the buzzer* DEHHHHH! WRONG!

It doesn't help either when my parents are traditionalists and thinks that I should finish what I started, no matter what. This is a career for heaven's sake. Not just an education.

Honestly honestly honestly... What do I want...?


Realised that a little too late now huh? Sucks to be me. FML.

My wisdom tooth extraction

So here I am blogging to take my mind off things.. Off all the bullshit rackety batshit crazy heart-twisting mind-boggling matters lately.

For the record, this is my second wisdom tooth extraction. I did my first one (extracted my lower left wisdom tooth) on the 23rd of December last year. The previous dentist I had, recommended me to not remove both my lower wisdom tooth at once because I would have extreme difficulty eating. I was so glad that I listened to him. I can still remember the vast amount of blood that I was constantly spitting into the sink, into the toilet bowl, into pieces of tissue papers and the surprising amount of blood-soaked gauze that I was constantly pulling out of my mouth to switch to a new one. Oh! Not forgetting the large amount of my own blood that I drank. Yuck! Felt like a freaking vampire that day.

Anyway, this second dental surgery which I had was much better than my first one. Prolly because I had prior experience already and this dentist gave me a better set of advice and protocols to follow.

So here I am with the anesthetic already injected into my mouth.

Umm.. if you would like to know, I whimpered softly a couple of times when the dentist poked the metal syringe into my gum and the area surrounding my right wisdom tooth. I couldn't wait to get done with all the freaking poking and that sensation of an unknown foreign liquid entering my system. It felt really really strange.

I had local anaesthesia.

The difference between local anaesthesia and general anaesthesia is that the former rids you of any possible sensations (not inclusive of hard physical pressure) whereas the latter knocks you out and has you sleeping like a baby. So yes, I knew what was going on throughout my entire surgery. Including one of the parts when my dentist cracked my tooth and a small bit of it flew out of my mouth and landed on my right elbow. I will leave the details about this for later, eh?

Here is the x-ray of my mouth. The tooth circled in red is my right wisdom tooth. The photo is mirrored-image, which explains why you see my right tooth on your left instead of your right.

See how my tooth is "collapsed"? It was growing sideways instead of upright, which explains why I always get food lodged at the back of the right side of my mouth, and I freaking hate it when food gets stuck there. Hard to get out and incredibly uncomfortable.

So, I had my dental surgery to extract out the wisdom tooth. As my tooth wasn't growing upright, it was actually hidden beneath my gum, therefore the dentist had to do a little "trimming" to clear away the gum that was obscuring the path of the surgery from going smoothly, and then he had to (for the lack of a better word) saw my tooth to remove the upper half that was more exposed to the surface, then use this chisel-like tool which was pointed at the tip (kinda like a really sharp pencil but it is made of metal) to crack the lower half of my tooth into really really small bits. Kinda like this...

Yeap! That's my tooth!!

My dentist then stitched up the opening gap which was where my right wisdom tooth was located at formerly.

Photo taken after the swelling had gone down and I was capable of widening my mouth.

He prescribed me with some painkillers, anti-swelling medicine, mouthwash and anti-biotics.

The reason for anti-biotics is because during the recovery period, you are not allowed to brush the teeth in the surgical area. (The only thing that you can do is to rinse that area with the mouthwash as prescribed by the dentist) And also, our mouth is filled with lots of bacteria and nasty germs, thus it might possibly cause the surgical wound to be infected, hence the prescription of the anti-biotics to kill the bacteria and germs!

Sidenote: I bloody hate this anti-biotics. It made me FAT. I swear that it is the anti-biotics. Or maybe the painkiller. Either one of these darn medicine is causing me to gain weight. I've put on 3kgs ever since I took the medication. Imagine my horror when I stepped onto the weighing scale in my room and saw those digits jumping up in glee. I stared at the numbers in disbelief. Retook my weight about 3 times before the truth finally sunk in. Sigh. Not cool yo. NOT COOL

The dentist gave me specific instructions to not rinse my mouth with water for the first day because it would cause more bleeding. (That explains why I was bleeding so much during my first dental surgery because that dentist did not tell me that and I kept running in and out of my toilet every 5-10 mins to take out the bloody gauze from my mouth, rinse away the blood that seemed as though it wouldn't staunch and then put in a fresh piece of gauze, only to repeat the whole procedure again very soon.)

I was kiasu and asked for more gauze because my previous dentist prescribed me a huge pack of gauze (like those paper-wrapped packs available in the pharmacy, with at least 50-100gauze per pack) whereas the receptionist at the front of this dental clinic only gave me a few measly pieces of gauze.

Truth be told, I didn't even finish using the gauze in ONE of these packs. Ha! Awesome dentist gives awesome instructions = less bleeding for me!

My mom bought lots of yoghurt - peach flavoured, banana flavoured + bits of pear crunch, aloe vera, nata de coco, prune... to help ease the pain.

Banana flavoured yoghurt with bits of pear crunch in it! Yums!

I had to use the spoon that I used when I was a baby, to eat because my mouth could only open "so wide" for the first two days. Ate in much much smaller portions which resulted in my eating time being extended more than it had ever been. I even got so tired of eating so slow that I simply stopped eating and concluded that I was done with my meal.

So yeap! That's it for my recap of my wisdom tooth extraction.

Hope I didn't scare the shit crap out of you peeps till you dare not get yours extracted! (Ha, I have a feeling that I might have for some of you!)

Lucky you though if you've already extracted yours! I hope my upper wisdom tooth don't give me any problems so I wouldn't have to get rid of it and it can stay with me till I grow old and die. Yay!

I still owe an entry on my trip to MEMA. Soon yeah? (:

Not what I intended to be writing

Technically, I should be writing about my trip to MEMA with Rod, the beef pastrami subway which I had with him for brunch on one fine sunny Sunday and add colourful pictures to that entry. Unfortunately that entry has got to wait, because I am feeling rather... reflective now.

I stopped living life like an ant — mundane and lifeless.

I stopped convincing myself that I can rock short hair and admit that even my wardrobe disagrees with the length of my hair. I stopped dreading the days when I would paint my nails for the sake of painting them, but rather just enjoy having applied a nice and moderate coat of polish over my nail successfully without having made a mess all over my cuticles. I stopped bothering my mind with questions on what is my goal in life constantly, and worrying that I am a no-good-for-nothing because I don't really know what sort of money-making activity I would like to do.

I realised that the reason why I'm getting sloppy is because I am wearing casual clothes all the time (or at least that's what I'm picking to wear lately!) instead of the smart casual wear I used to don often. I stopped deluding myself that the clothes available for sale at blogshops are equivalent to the ones sold at retail outlets, and that what I see will be what I get thus there isn't a need for me to shop physically. (No, I am not going to stop harping about that freaking pile of clothes I bought online that is hidden in my wardrobe. I detest it.)

I stopped living life just for the sake of getting it by, but rather... instead of constantly looking at the big picture of things, I started focusing on the things within the picture and hey, it's a whole lot more interesting and (somehow) more meaningful that way! I started taking pictures again lately for my blog. Not a lot.. but it's better than none at all! It is just so much harder to whip out my camera and start taking pictures again. I haven't been doing that for the past couple of months and umm.. I think Rod would feel weird if I start doing that? (Lame reason I know, but it's on my mind)

I'll finally admit, I am in possession of a very strong and proud ego. I can't swallow and submit to anyone. It kills me to have to do that. Most importantly, I'll generate hatred for the person whom I have to submit to. All humans are equal, no matter how powerful you might be materialistically, politically or in any other way. I do my best to maintain an equal level of standing with everyone whom I have a relationship with. The only time when I would submit to a person is when the person exhibits behaviour that deserves my respect, which usually means that I am in awe of the person. If one of my previous tutee, who is only 11 years old this year and terribly mischievous, can tell me things and display a behaviour (which only happens occasionally when he isn't too busy thinking of new mischiefs to commit) can earn my respect and leave me in awe, I believe that everyone in this world can. It is just a method of how the person chooses to be and to act.


Colour coordination, so important. And what ever happened to my high tolerance level for heat?

Wisdom tooth extraction in a couple of hours. I will be prescribed anti-biotics which will once again cause my stomach to churn like a washing machine. I will be drinking my own blood till I feel like a vampire and repulse at the slight recognition of the distinct metallic taste which would dance around my tongue and then slide down my throat.

I'll be getting my year 1 semester 1 examination results tomorrow as well. I've got confidence in my social sciences paper.

Mm.. I need sleep. Goodnight. 

Like in 2008

My hair looks just like how it did in 2008 when I was at Perth. And the size of my face is an inch close to that too. Okay probably my whole figure. What ever happened to my high metabolism rate? I think I should go work at Esprit for another 3 months again.. Shed all the weight gained away. However, the work there is ultra dull and the pay is absolutely like CRAP. *shudders*

I went with Roddy to MEMA (Maritime Experiential Museum & Aquarium) today. Pictures will be up soon. The exhibition was pretty interesting. I did some colouring too. (lolol!)

It's good to know that my boyfriend really loves me because he just sat there beside me playing his phone while I grabbed different colours of oil pastel crayon, adding colours to my paper models. He even told me "Don't you dare give up! You have only a bit left till you finish colouring!" Ha! Awesome encouragement. Then again, now I'm starting to wonder if he cheered me on so I would be preoccupied and that would leave him more time to play his game on his phone. Hmmmmm.

Oh btw. The 3-day diet plan that was recommended to me by my aunt. Yeah.. I guess it does work. However I didn't lose 5kgs. I only lost around 1-2? However I didn't exactly keep to the plan 101%, soo.... ya. I'll be trying it again though! All the extra weight that I've put on from having gone to Sentosa twice for 2 days straight consecutively. All the rich-flavoured, exquisite and expensive food. Bet they were loaded with calories as well.

I kinda regret snipping away my gorgeous long wavy long hair that curled naturally at the ends. However they were really dry and the weather was torturous. Also, a certain fella thinks that I look super mature and old with my long hair and he wouldn't have gone close to me if I hadn't cut my hair short. *nudges Mr Woo*

Life is often so unpredictable, throwing you hints via intuition and if you choose to ignore these little hints to magnificent presents that lies await for you, then there goes your chance with it.

I had an intuition to slice my hair, I did, and although I do miss my long hair, I'm glad that I did chop off my long hair. I'll never forget that day when my hairdresser grabbed my long hair in a loose ponytail, took a pair of scissors and just snipped away my long hair effortlessly, without even lifting his head once to look at my facial expression. I remember myself taking in a sharp intake of breath and I held it there for quite awhile as the truth sank in slowly. I was going to have short hair.

And now, I'm going to have long hair again. Hahaha!

I love having my pretty crown of glory and it is time for me to shut my eyes and sleep. I've had a really long day. More precise details soon. X

Fall is coming!

I need to stop being so sloppy and get back in the swing of fashion. I dress like an auntie nowadays. So horrible. I blame it on all the cheapo clothes that I've bought from the fleas at NYP and online. Seldom is the material good and mostly, the cutting sucksssssss.

I should have known better. I can never pull shitty cutting off. It's the reason why I insisted on validating all my clothes personally before I purchased them in the past. I need to give myself two tight slaps in the face and be more diligent in keeping up my fashion front. Those days filled with heels, blazers and hats. So glorious.

Those days are returning. I went with Rod to RWS today. My boy is sleeping happily on a king-size bed now whereas I'm home in my super-single size bed. Talk about fairness. We bought a deal which comprised of a night at Festive Hotel, in-room dining and tickets to Maritime Experiential Museum. It cost around $200++? I can't really remember. My mother insisted that I come home to sleep so okay, that explains why I'm home now. My boy deserves a great luxurious rest anyway. School + Work.. AND ME, I'm sure it tires him out like crazy (Awww...)

I wore a purple tank top, tucked into a navy blue bandage skirt. Had a red bra on which peeped through the rather thin material of my purple tank top, revealing just enough so that it isn't far too much. I topped everything off with a white blazer, the necklace he bought me, my usual accessories (bead bracelets and earstuds) and a leather bracelet too. Chose a pair of brown boots which I bought from my trip to Taiwan last year, to match my outfit.

However that outfit didn't last long... because I hadn't worn the brown boots in a long time, the sole isn't sticking to the base of the shoe anymore :( gotta send it to the cobbler to be fixed! Had to drop by Tampines to get a pair of cobalt blue flat pumps because I doubt my boots would last the whole day. Rod was more than happy to see me switch to a lower pair of shoes *roll eyes*

Ah well... I'm planning to dress a little more casual tmr. Everyone in the hotel seemed less dressed up as compared to how I was. Probably because it's a hotel aka their "home away from home". So who really dresses up at home?

Smart but casual. The good days are coming back and I have to deck myself out in autumn colours.

I have no idea on what I should do with the pile of crappy clothing hidden in my wardrobe. They are so sucky that you wouldn't even believe it. I swear I'll never buy anything o line ever ever again, other than polishes aside. Save all the money up for Top Shop, Zara, H&M and all the other proper stores in Singapore. I don't care about how much more money I can save by shopping online. Just give me clothes that will fit me well and make me feel beautiful instead of atrocious. I'll pay whatever that is necessary.

I'll admit, I'm no budget barbie. And I don't wish to be one. Better fitting clothes! Urrgh!!!!

What's my calling?

Met Xian Yao for dinner today (yesterday). We ate at Orchard Ion's Burger King then moved on to some high-end café called Antoinette at Mandarin Gallery where we had hot chocolate and ice-cream.

The hot chocolate was very very very creamy. As like how I described to him, it's like having a chocolate bar but in liquid form. He laughed. I'm not sure if the laughter was because of what I said, or whatever else that is on his mind.

He is one of the people I know whose mind I cannot read because it is constantly fluttering from one subject to another, even though we were once very close. I guess too much has happened and even though I do try to get close to him again — to get back to the stage of our friendship when we would be bitching about the outfits of random strangers we meet on public transports or public places via texts, comfort each other when shit happens, be happy together when good things occur, or when we are seriously very bored and just want some entertainment.. I don't think we will ever return to that paradise. He seems very very distanced from me now. I really miss those days. Sometimes I get afraid of losing him. He means a lot more to me than I do ever realise, and honestly I doubt he knows that. Random picnic on the beach of Sentosa, with sushi and strawberry cheesecake. I'll always remember that.

As he updated me on life and his mission, he got me wondering.. What's the calling of my life? I had always assumed it to be something in the healthcare industry because of this incident when I was a kid.. I went to Thailand with my family, we went to this temple and there was this monk. He was one of the elders there, and he was very fond of me. Always held my hand and gave me special treatment as compared to everyone else. I swear that it wasn't because I was the youngest. There was once when I went, there was another kid (my mom's client's son) who was younger than me, and yet he still doted on me more! No.. I don't think he is a paedophile.

Anyway, he was a Thai (duh!) and could speak little English. He couldn't say my name but he had a nickname for me, it was "doctor". I think I heard it from my relatives or my parents, that he called me that as I would grow up to be a doctor. Therefore, since then.. I took it as my calling that I would be a doctor when I grew up.

Oddly enough.. At the end of my secondary 2 year, when I had to pick the subjects that I would major in my upper secondary years.. I actually had to contemplate between picking Pure Geography or Biology. The dilemma back then was: I loved Geography vs. I need to take Biology to be a doctor. In the end, I gave in to my interest and chose Pure Geography over Biology. I've never regretted that decision. Studying Pure Geography was so much joy! LOVE LOVE LOVE, LOVED IT!

So.. here I am in Occupational Therapy. Here because I always thought that my calling was the healthcare industry and I cannot possibly ever get sacked or be deprived of a job in this sector, the pay is pretty good, it isn't that boring (I think) and umm.. my sister is a nurse, my dad is a chinese physician, thus it is a good to have another family member in the medical industry...? Sigh. Shitty reason I know. I only realise it now. All the times that people would exclaim and give positive remarks on how there is this "medical" trend in my household.. I guess it feels good to a certain extent, however.. to be frank, every time I hear that, deep inside me, there would be this deep pang of doubt and guilt whacking me. Is that a sign that hey, this isn't my calling?

I told my OT friends.. I find studying diseases and illnesses to be interesting. Well, hell yeah it is. I guess I like it.. but I don't love it! I don't find myself pouring over every detail of the disease, unlike how I was pouring over every new term that I was learning for Sociology and Psychology. Getting all excited when I knew that people who enjoyed withholding their faeces when they were a kid, would grow up to be neat and tidy people (or possibly develop OCD) when they grew up!

I don't know what I love! I don't know what I want to do! If you consider being a socialite, being able to be decked out in pretty clothes, have pretty shoes, wear gorgeous polishes and nail art on my nails, as something that I want to do, then yeap I guess it counts. If not, I have no freaking idea at all!

I don't want to be like my parents... working as insurance agents because it provides them the means to support the family and give my sister and I, a good life. They don't like it. They told me that before. Nonetheless they just kept going at it, just for my sister and I.

As grateful and honourable I am for their sacrifice... I don't wish to do that. I don't want to earn a living for the sake of earning a living. I will never get far in my life if I were to do that. Like what Xian Yao said.. it is that passion, that 'calling', that intrinsic motivation which brings you far. I don't want to live my life for extrinsic motivation. It is a dead boring life, and I LIVE to live. So someone please, tell me what the fuck should I do?

If there is one thing I love, it would be being pretty... Materialistic I know, but at least I'm being honest. Henceforth, guide me, enlighten me, show me a way!!!

There is more to life.. that I know, but what is it exactly?

The importance of being wealthy

Don't get me wrong.

I'm not a narcissistic, money-minded, materialistic bitch. I just hate being.. concerned over financial issues. I hate feeling as though my wallet has shrunk, my pocket is tight, my bank account is of non-existence.. I dislike being unable to spend freely.

In this current society, money is power. Although there are various ways to go about arguing the statement that "money brings happiness", in the most direct way possible.. yes that statement is awfully realistic and truthful. Well, at least it does... to a huge extent.

Without money, I won't be able to shop. If I'm unable to shop, I would be unhappy. Like now, for instance.

At times like this, I really wish that I am Christian Grey and I earn $100,000 per hour, 24/7. All the shoes that I can buy. SO HEAVENLY.

I went window-shopping with a girlfriend yesterday, walked into Bershka and tried on the prettiest pair of black mary-janes that I have ever landed my eyes upon. Slipped my feet into the gorgeous pair of shoes and okay.. I admit: I felt as though my ankle might just crumble and get crushed from having to bear my weight at that joint which is not physiologically designed to withstand pressure, but oh goodness... it was so darn mesmerising!!! I even whipped out my phone, took a picture and sent it to my boyfriend, who expectedly rejected that pair of shoes immediately because it was about 4-inches high. Anyway, I couldn't buy it.. the price was $129.90. My boyfriend heaved a huge sigh of relief and cheered enthusiastically *roll my eyes here*

I really miss my gap year. Earning $1.3k a month, and sometimes even more. Spending freely, shopping freely, relaxing and just breathing normally, unlike now when every breath is short, sharp and hurried.

I've never felt more screwed up about my life. I don't know what I am doing right now and it seems as though I am making do with whatever that is shoved upon me by my parents, rather than exploring my options and my interests, doing what seems to flow along with me instead of repelling me at every hook and cranny.

This feels wrong. It really does. However, I don't know how to get out of it and even if I can... this society that I live in, it's a rat race everywhere.

This is not what I want, so what should I do now?

Answers.. it's time for me to seek for some answers..