Choices, fate. One decision.

Saturday, May 29, 2010



Choices in life. Whenever I think about the choices I have in my life, this show would appear in my mind. There is this certain scene, which keeps appearing in my mind. The words in that scene, playing over and over again in my head. I feel really ironical seeing an exact same scene playing in a show, happening in my life.

I've asked my friends, they've all given me the same answer. But is it really possible..?  The answer seems so.. logical and rational, that it makes it look wrong. What should I do...? Can someone point me the direction? An affirmative direction? I feel so lost and so confused.

Even in the show, the answer given is the same as what my friends have given me. Is that really really really the right thing to do? How can they bear the pain? How can they actually withstand it? It's not momentarily, its something which you'll have to go through, to bear with, to withstand, for the rest of your life. Don't they feel any hint of regret at all? Everything seems so right, but then again, it makes everything feel so wrong. All that rationality simply makes everything appear to be so irrational. All the logic, it makes everything look so illogical. What should I do...?

That path.. Must I walk down that path? Its that the right thing to do? Why do all the right things in life seem so wrong? Maybe its because they look scary when they seem to be so right. I swear I'm getting a brainwash. Even the songs I'm listening to are telling me the same answer. Fyi, my songs are on shuffle-mode. I didn't pick them deliberately. Is that a sign? A hint to tell me what to do next? But I don't wanna resign to fate. What exactly is my fate in the first place? No one can answer my question. Because fate is unpredictable.

Choices and decisions. They're giving me a headache. If only my superhero would appear, then all these problems would disappear immediately and so would this terrible headache. But I know my superhero would never appear... So at the end of the day, I'll still be the one who has to pick a choice, make a decision, no matter how hard it is. This is life. This is my life.

I could really use a wish right now. Actually, everyone can make a wish. But how many of these people actually have their wishes answered?



I want my wish to be answered. Can you hear my wish? Can you answer it for me? Can you make it come true...?

Everything in my circle is starting to overflow..

Friday, May 28, 2010



I'm sorry for not replying your text messages. I'm sorry for making you so worried for me. I just need some time alone to think through some stuff and to sort things out. Don't worry about me, I'm fine. Just because I'm not replying you, doesn't mean that I don't read your text messages. If you've got anything that you wanna tell me, just text ok? I'll read them.

Everything is overflowing. I'm getting all stuffed up. From everything that has happened, I learnt to trust no one. I've developed fear, fear from getting hurt. It sucks when the person whom you trust the most tells you that you're no longer allowed to tell your problems to that person anymore, the person doesn't want to hear your problems anymore. You feel stupid for placing so much trust in the person's words, for believing in them. So all that you can do now is to suck up your problems, to swallow everything down even though there is no room left in you. But what can you do? You've already bitten off more than what you can chew, and there is no where that you can spit it out to.
So down it goes - you've just got to force it down.

I hate it when the world turns into a quiet place.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010



I hate it when the world turns quiet because my thoughts consume me, our past floods my mind, the happy days we spent together. Where did all of them go to....?

I never wanted forever to be over. I wanted forever to last. I wanted forever to go on for ever and ever. Do you know that I'm still updating my private blog? The password is still the same. I dare not change it, for fear that one day when you finally remember about its existence, it'll still be there - available for you to see. Also, do you remember our last promise? I guess that is part of the reason why that private blog is still being kept alive. I'm struggling to hold onto our last promise, but I think I might be losing my grasp on it soon. Inside that private blog, it contains my deepest thoughts, my deepest emotions and all the words which I could never summon out of my mouth. I'm close to reaching a 100 days already. Time flies, doesn't it?

This is probably the last place that you'll ever think of coming to. And so, that private blog is definitely out of the picture, I doubt it's even in the frame. I guess that is all I have to say.

I hate it when the world turns into a quiet place.

Hot and Cold

Tuesday, May 25, 2010



I swear I'm gonna tear bunny apart soon.

So now I'm a pest? Fuck you.



I'm laughing at you right back in your face. You are a joke.

What was I busy being sad over the past 24 hours? Go on, close both your eyes, clam both your hands on your ears. For all I care, go act blind, go pretend to be deaf. You're just being absolutely stupid. I've had enough of your nonsense instead of the opposite way round. Enough of you blowing hot and cold at me as and when you please. I was nice enough, providing you with unconditional friendship, warning you, hinting you, trying to show you what is really going on. And what did you do? You fagging screamed at me again.

I talked to you calmly, amicably, nicely. Asked you questions because I was concerned for you, you were apparently still being kept in the dark about the truth. I tried to help you. And what did you do in return? You blew your top off at me. My questions became a view, I was imposing my opinions on you?!?!?!? Seriously, fuck you. Go on and get played by her, go get cheated by her, it's not my business anymore. I can't be bothered with you. It is so frigging obvious that she is playing you, you've been played till your fingers have gotten burnt and you don't even realise it. Enough of all the bullshit and all the nonsense. I don't owe you my life. Even if I do, I don't deserve such treatments from you.

Its an honour, a grace, for me to even want to be your friend, after all the shit that you did to me. I stuck with you through thick and thin. Supported and encouraged you when you felt down. Gave you the comfort you needed when you were sad. Kept you company and entertained you when you were bored. Sang to you to make you smile when you were about to cry. Fucking tried to warn you and stop you from doing something which would get yourself hurt. You fucking refused to believe me and scolded me instead. Fuck you. Alright then. Go on. Do it. Get yourself hurt. I took another approach, stood at one side and watched over you silently. You wanna go try, go on and then, I respect your choice, your decision. I fucking encouraged you, supported you even though I already knew you had ZERO chance at all, all because you said that "you won't know till you try". Ok then, go fucking try, and then go get yourself hurt. You want me to be there for you when you need someone, when you are feeling down. Ok, I said I will. What a fucking good friend I am. And what did I get in return when I was talking nicely to you, your fucking attitude. Blew your top off at me all of a sudden. And you know what! Even though you were at fault, I was the one who fucking said sorry because I didn't want to get into an argument with you. And you fucking took me for granted and pushed your luck too far. I've had enough of your nonsense, your attitude, your hot and cold treatments. This isn't how you treat someone who is being extremely nice to you.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I've had enough of it from you.

I will still be your friend. I will still be here when you need a friend. I will still be here when you need someone. I will still be here when you are down. I still be here for you. That is all. Period.

FML. I'm such a little Miss Nicey.

I'm such a fool.

Sunday, May 23, 2010


I'm there when you need me. There to bring you the sunshine, to bring you the smiles, to show you the rainbows, to give you the laughters. Where are you when I need you? Where are you when my tears are spilling over the edge of my eyes? Where are you when my world looks so bleak and so dark? You promised me you'll be there for me. You said I'll never lose you. But where are you now when I need you? You are a million miles away.

Once again, the promises are empty. At the end of the day, I'm still alone.

When you were down, when you were sad, when you turned to me for help, I dropped everything I had in my hands just to help you, just to make you happy, just to see you smile. You said you will do the same for me. But I guess they were all just a pack of lies.

When you were unhappy, when you pushed everyone away, I reached out to you, got screamed at in return. And still, I never walked away. I stood at a side, watched you from afar, wait till the storm was over and smiled as my sacrifice was worthwhile. I knew that what I was doing would earn me nothing more but a scream from you in return. But I had to do it or else you'll bottle that anger up. I'm glad I saw your beautiful smile at the end of the day. You said that one day, you'll do that in return for me. But where were you when I begged for your help? You pushed me away with an annoyed and irritated tone. You shut me outside your doors, and bolted the locks. I felt pathetic as I stood outside your doors. I wondered why I even bothered to knock on your door and ask for your help in the very first place. Maybe its because.. I really took you to be my closest and bestest friend. Maybe its because.. I believed your words when you said you'll be there for me. But I guess.. I am just a fool.

I gave you my everything and never did ask for anything in return, but a genuine friendship from you. I'm so disappointed that I can't find any proper words which can fit the description of my current feelings. My tears are being notorious, they won't stop flowing. And I doubt they'll be obedient anytime soon.....

I'm sorry...

Sunday, May 16, 2010


The quote says it all. There's nothing more I can say or add to it. I'm sorry..

Marriage

Friday, May 14, 2010

I was surfing through the net, reading people's blogs, when I came about this story which I really wanna share with all of you....


When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, "I've got something to tell you." She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. "I want a divorce.." I raised the topic calmly. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, "why?"

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, "You are not a man!" That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning.. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions.. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully..

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, "Daddy is holding mummy in his arms." His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time.. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, "Dad, it's time to carry mum out." To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, "I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy."

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore. She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead.. "Do you have a fever?" She said. I moved her hand off my head. "Sorry, Dew", I said, "I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart."

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I ran up the stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

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When he first broke the sad news to me, I couldn't eat anything at all for a few days. In a span of 3 days, I lost 6kgs. During those horrible days, I only took one meal a day and that was during breaktime. One meal out of the usual 4 meals a day consisting of breakfast, break, lunch & dinner. I freaked my mom out because I became really really thin all of a sudden and I looked so fragile, so weak.. As though I might collapse any moment.

The space where food was suppose to occupy was instead being occupied by bitterness and sadness. I lived on those two emotions then. I was really emotional during that period of time, I kept to myself most of the time, and even the times when I appear laughing, I can't help but wonder deep inside me if the laugh coming out right at that moment was actually a genuine laughter. I kept forcing myself to smile and smile and smile everyday, hoping that through those smiles, I would somehow win the battle against my emotions.

Very often, my tears were on the edge of spilling over my eye lids. I would start blinking furiously, fighting back those tears that were threatening to roll down my cheeks. I could see my vision blurring, feel my eyes getting extremely wet. And all these took place not only at home, but even in public places, especially, when I'm alone, when its just me and music, like on my long bus rides home... I would always hastily wipe away those tears which succeeded in spilling over the edge of my eyes, hoping that no one saw them...

Reading this story has reminded me of what I went through a few months ago, just like what the wife went through in that span of one month. We don't want your money or your property, what we want is your love.. I'm luckier in a way that I didn't die. But I'm unluckier in a way that.. he will not turn back like how her husband did. I know what some of you might say, "Ask him to read the story then! He might turn back after reading!!" True.. He might. But by asking him to read it, I am changing my fate in a way. And I've learnt my lesson that by changing my own fate, by fighting the course of nature, I'll simply be destroying a better future, a future which was suppose to be mine, up until I decided to take things into my own hands than to leave it in the hands of heaven. So yes.. I'll leave my fate into the hands of nature, going where it directs me, flowing where the current goes...

Moral of the story: Many of life's failures are people who did not realise how close they were to success when they gave up.

Why did you give up baby...?

Random: White Roses

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


"White roses embody a whole new meaning to the word love. From their traditional meaning of purity and innocence, to new symbolism of honor and respect, white roses are the perfect gift for celebrating events or new love. The color white itself has a meaning of youthful innocence - a world unspoiled and pure. So when you are in need of sending emotions that are straight from the heart, start with white roses. Unlike the red rose which symbolizes passion and true love, the white rose is a counterpart for conveying messages of faithfulness and everlasting love."

Badly distracted

MYEs are 2 weeks away!
After months of chaos, hectic-ness, all the messy and annoying stuff, I can finally catch my breath, take a break from all the mental torture.. No, not take a break but to resign from all of them! And the irony is, things get better the moment you make up your mind to ignore everything and somehow, the world just brightens up again? Ok, I'm not sure if its due to a change of mindset on my part or that things just MIRACULOUSLY (seriously, I hate this word now) became better all of a sudden, just like how they MIRACULOUSLY became worst. Although I'm really curious to know what happened and why the sudden change of events AGAIN, I think I'll leave this question unanswered. Afterall, you can never have the answers to all the questions in life.

The battle is over, I don't know which side won or lost, who did what, what strategy was used to produce this outcome, what happened throughout the whole process, or how the battle even got started. All I know is, I'm glad the battle is over and I like the current outcome. Just keep things this way. I like this merryland (:
Oh and one more thing, people with 2 different mindsets are like people from 2 different worlds, one from Earth and one from Mars (I'll be the one from Earth, thank you.), they can never mix, never match, and never be placed together. So stay away from my world and my life and I will gladly stay away from yours. Make one wrong move, step into my life again, and I will seriously fuck your life upside down the next time round. That one and only time you entered my life already brought me enough trouble enough chaos. Even till now, I have yet to tie all the loose ends up. You know why? Because the ends cannot be tied up! Somehow whenever I try to tie them up, it just comes lose again and then I get annoyed by it. So I'm leaving these ends loose because I can no longer be bothered about them.
So yes, moral of this whole chunk: STAY OUT OF MY LIFE!

I am so glad that I do not know you in person or else I think you would be one of those people in my life who have faced the worst of my fury. It will be more than just two tight slaps in the face and a shower of all the explesitives I have gathered in 18 years of my life.

Shall finish typing the gp essay, leave my math tutorial undone and head into dreamland. Goodnight in advance peeps. Xoxo





P.S. Re-read through what I just typed and I think I just spent another 20 minutes of my life writing crap. Crap which kinda makes sense in a way.