"Something has happened to you. What's wrong?"
that day,
after geog lesson,
mdm zainab called me to her,
and she asked me this question.
she said that recently, i've been ignoring her alot.
i'm not talking in class that much anymore.
i'm not voicing out my thoughts that much anymore.
i'm not volunteering myself to help out that much anymore.
i'm not smiling that much anymore.
i've been too quiet, too silent.
she said that it just doesnt seem to be me anymore.
i used to be the first one to receive her when she steps into the class.
i'd leave my seat, walk up to her before she reaches the door.
greet her with a smile, initiate to take the visualiser and then help her set it up.
but as i said, i used to do that. but not anymore.
i dont know why either. i just dont do it anymore.
she asked me if she did anything wrong or whatsoever.
she asked why i was like that now.
to be frank,
i had no idea why also.
but i knew she needed a reply,
so i answered her saying that i was just very tired recently.
been staying back everyday till 5.30pm.
been staying up late in the night to study.
i could see that she wasnt really very convinced with my answer.
i avoided looking at the her in the eyes.
i really couldnt.
because tears were swelling up in my eyes.
i didnt want her to see them. she would get even more worried then she is now.
her question got me thinking.
whats wrong with me?
i've been thinking for 1 whole day.
and i think i've finally gotten the answer.
the reason why i'm not talking anymore.
the reason is simple and its the fact.
i dont feel like talking anymore. i dont want to talk anymore.
for ages, i've been looking for someone to talk to.
someone that i can tell my things to.
i know that many of you would say,
look! you can tell us. we'll listen.
i know that. i really know that you guys would listen.
but the main problem is.
are you there for me?
i've many pple to tell to. i do know that.
but you pple are never there for me to tell to.
so after keeping it in me for so long,
i've learned to keep it there, store it there.
being close to the guys in 4E4 have taught me one thing.
most things are better left unsaid.
as the chinese phrase goes,
你不说话，没人当你是哑巴。
thus, i dont want to talk anymore.
i know i know. what are friends for?
they're there for you to divulge your things to.
but look.
dear- he's busy with his things, barely have time to chat with me moreover, time for me to tell things to him. hard to reach him and get to him as well. tired of trying to get him to listen though he nv will.
jingting- she's busy with ah-kin. i dont want to disturb her.
naomi- there for me at times but views things at a different point.
pearlie- she's busy.
michelle- i dont really know her through and through yet.
sinhui- she has her guy to settle. my issues are gonna make her mad.
heyhey! no offence to you all.
but it's a fact.
since things have gotten this far,
i dont want to talk anymore.
because i dont see a need to and i dont feel like talking as well.
sorry mdm zainab.
but dont worry for me.
i'll be fine i'll be alright.
life will still go on as usual for me.
the Earth will continue to rotate on its axis as time waits for no one..
i know i shouldnt lock myself up.
but even i cant find the key to open myself up.
it's gone. it's missing.
i cant find it.
unless someone can duplicate a new one.
i'm not even sure if there's such a thing as duplicating a new one..
but i do know that i'm not talking anymore.
and that's it.
No comments