I Musn't Cry.

" i musn't cry. "
this was what i told myself.
i thought that the breakup wouldn't affect me.
i knew that we were gonna be over soon.
even i myself could feel it fading.
i did try searching for it again.
but it was of no avail.
i just simply couldn't get it back.
so i thought this was it.
what i nv imagined was the feeling to return right after we were over.
i guess this was what they meant by,
you only know how to cherish things, only after you have lost them.
normally i would have cried after hearing what my parents said.
but yestd,
no matter how harsh their words were.
no matter how they said me.
no tears came.
i dont know why.
it simply didnt come.
i wanted to let out all my sadness, all my anger.
but i couldnt. it was all trapped in me.
then, you broke up with me.
right after another torrent of words from them.
i wanted to cry again. i wanted to let everything out.
but i couldnt.
i could feel them piling up one by one on me.
i sought help from pearl. sought help from Genn.
they kept me company. but i must be frank,
i dont feel any better.
but i really appreciate their company.
they helped me to pass the night.
the night where i was supposed to lie in bed, crying.
this morning,
i woke up.
i checked my hp.
wondered why there was no reply from you.
then i rmb-ed what i did last night.
i let go of you. everything suddenly came back to my mind.
finally, the tears started forming in my eyes.
but i held them all back.
i stopped them from flowing out.
i refused to cry.
i didnt have the right to cry.
it is all my fault that this has happened.
i was the one who let go of you.
so i dont deserve to cry.
many times today,
the tears have formed in my eyes all of a sudden.
but i held them back.
i cant cry now.
i dont have the time to cry.
i cant have my mood affecting my family.
i must put on a brave front.
i must act as if nothing has happened.
you said that the only chance of us patching.
was only after my O Levels ended.
i must admit to you that,
this has become my motivation to study.
to get good grades.
i want to prove to you that i can do it.
i dont want to let you down.
i know that you are breaking with me,
because you want me to study hard.
you dont want to distract me.
i wont let your efforts go to waste.
but are you capable of waiting for me for 7months?
do you really mean it?
i told you before,
its really hard to trust pple now.
its hard for me to believe in someone's promise.
you told me that i could trust you. i could believe you.
but you broke all your promises to me as well.
7months is a very long time.
i know that you would get a new stead.
it's easy for you to get a new girl.
i'm not saying that you cant get a new one.
i cant really expect you to be single for 7months.
but, look.
whats the possibility of us getting tgt after 7months if you have a girl?
i cant ask you to break with her just to be with me right?
it's simply not fair towards her.
i really dont know what to do now.
i'm really looking forward to us getting tgt 7 months later after my Os.
it is now my motivation to study.
i cant help worrying bout the future.
i know i should be set on the present.
but it's hard. really hard.
i keep regretting one thing that i should have done yestd.
i really wanted to hug you yestd when i saw you.
but i thought we had the whole day left.
why bother doing it now?
i didnt imagine myself regretting it later on.
i really want a last hug from you.
we broke off so suddenly.
i started regretting the minute i said it.
started missing you constantly.
yeah. we were only tgt for a month.
a month is really short.
but it has enough memories to make me miss you like mad.
i rmb scolding you with tons of vulgarities the first time we met.
i rmb sabotaging you to be a head tnc.
i rmb how we cheated in the games during the TWINS outing.
i rmb how you screamed at me from the other side of the pirate ship.
i rmb how you bugged me to ride the inverter with you.
i rmb how you called me a coward because i refused to take that ride.
i rmb you letting me know about your past,
about your background while we were waiting for the bus.
i rmb how we chatted non-stop on the mrt.
i rmb the sense of security that you gave me while i was around you.
i rmb how i fussed over you when i knew you were ill the next day.
i rmb how i fell in love with you again when i met you again the next thursday.
i rmb how you cared me nonchantly while we were at vivo.
i rmb how you forced me to eat. i rmb the expression on Angie's face when we told her we were tgt.
i rmb how dumb you looked when i introduced you to my frens.
i rmb how you held me tightly on the mrt, preventing me from falling.
i rmb how you saw me home to safety.
i rmb how you adjusted your busy schedule just to go out with me to get things that i needed.
i rmb how you went with me to my school for the campfire.
i rmb the expression you gave when you saw what i made for our dinner.
i rmb how you postponed things that you had to do just for me.
i rmb how much i actually loved you.
there's so many things i rmb.
so many details.
even the tiniest details of all can bring back tons of feelings.
i really regretted what i did.
but i knew i cant turn the clock back.
i've to follow the path that i have chosen.
i've got to simply just wait and see where it leads.
i really hope that it would lead me back to you once again.
i promise that i would have my meals regularly so you wont have to harp on me non-stop.
i promise i would take good care of myself and not let myself fall ill constantly.
i promise that i wont have you worrying bout me.
i promise i would spend lots of time with you.
i promise i would give you all of my attention.
i promise i would no longer take you for granted.
i promise i would cherish you more.
but that is only if..
we can be tgt again.
11/12/2008.
i look forward to that date.
whatever the outcome may be.
i still wish that you get the happiness you deserve.
may the girl be me or not me,
i still wish for your safety and for you to be healthy.
till we meet again,
till our path cross each other again,
take care 猪猪.