I should be asleep..

Today is one of those rare days when I actually turn my laptop on to do something other than watching videos. Oh and you might have noticed, I finally made the effort to switch my blog template. I still need Bestie's help to tweak it a little because I honestly suck at HTML and I did most of it with just pure luck. It is insanely floral-patterned but I suppose it makes a good change as compared to my usual white-only theme.

I'm messing up my plans badly and neither have I been keeping to my 2012 resolution. It feel as though... something is missing. Change is missing.

And it is far time that I do something about it.

It is currently 3.32AM and I am about to set my life back on its tracks.

There I was looking through my Facebook news feed earlier on -- anyone who knows me well enough knows that I get a repulsive feeling when it comes to Facebook thus I hardly spend more time than necessary on that website. I looked through a couple of my friends' pages and wow.. while I have been isolating myself from the rest of the world, the world has certainly changed a lot. I recall some of the comments that I mumbled/snickered as I scrolled down the page with earnest curiosity: "Wow! They are still together?!", "Ha! No wonder she hasn't been replying my text messages! New boyfriend..", "Seriously?! Married?!! Since when?!", "Mmm? New boyfriend/girlfriend? Again?", "Aww.. So sweet! So adorable!", "Eew!!! Total mismatch!"... How long has it been since I last exposed myself to the idea of being tied down by matters of the heart? A very long time...

Once bitten, twice shy. My obstinate decision to avoid dealing with any possible messy dramas has nothing to do with the bet that I have with Sin Hui, since I (and her too, which is probably why she so daringly dared me to have that bet with her!) know that if I set my mind to something, I wouldn't care about anything else. I would do anything to make it work now, and for the rest of my life. That is how I am. Hence when it gets screwed up, not because I didn't put any effort to it but rather due to other factors, I get totally fucked up and torn apart. I'll scream and cry till the world goes down. That's a metaphor by the way.

"Always remember in order to be strong, you have to do the things that your heart doesn't want you to do but your brain tells you!"

For the past 1 year, I have been strictly following my brain. I have up to 6 notes in my phone, filled with inspirational quotes, constantly reminding me to never look back, to be strong, to not fall in love. They remind me of what I went through, what I should fear, what I have to do, why I am alone now. I worked hard to fully live a life of a 19 years old, afterall everyone only gets one shot at life. You either do it, or you miss it. My life was stagnant for 2 years, I hardly grew (mentally) at all when I was dating him. To be frank, I switched off my brain and couldn't be more stupid. Sin Hui was at my place last Friday and we had a heart-to-heart talk, I mentioned to her about that point and she said: "Yeah. Glad you finally noticed it. Back then, I thought I almost lost you there." I now see the importance of finding someone whom I can grow with, and it can't be any more obvious, he isn't that someone.

And no, I'm not smitten about him anymore. I'm just saying it.

I will be 20 years old this year and unfortunately, I don't feel like a 20-year old kid at the moment. I still feel 19. Well technically there isn't anything wrong with that since I officially turned 19 just a couple of months ago, but yeah... mismatch! I need change. Like a huge one. I can't afford to wait all the way till April when school starts for me again. That would be too long and too far away. I need one now. Obviously getting more polishes aren't gonna help, but yes I'm still getting all the ones on my wishlist! And neither is shopping for more clothes nor a movie/drama marathon. I need something.. physical. Hee!

YUP! I'M UP TO SOMETHING AGAIN! ^_^

I was told:

"When you're afraid to do something, chances are, it's exactly the thing you should be doing."

I know what I should be doing.. But if only it was as easy as it seems. Sometimes I wish that I don't think so much and view life through a simpler set of eyes. There is so much to take into consideration, so much to calculate, so much to ponder over. Then again, if everything was that simple to me, then I wouldn't be asking for the best.

"To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often."

I'll go with the flow. What comes will eventually arrive, what goes can never be retained. Too much thinking for tonight, especially at this time of the night. I have work tomorrow, I have yet to mark one of the kid's work, I have got food for thought.

P.S. I need a break and I want some time for myself. (Just saying)

Like vs. Love

I want to stick a disclaimer to the beginning of this piece: I am not an expert on the subject of love or relationships.

I am just a normal young woman, like many of you, who still hasn’t found her true love. I have had my share of bad boys, nice boys, middling boys…and just boys. I have dated, had relationships, broken up, been broken up with, been mucked around and mucked someone around as much as the next girl.

The difference between like and love is a murky one. It’s like asking someone if their cup of tea is sweet enough. How do you know it’s sweet enough? Who defines sweet ‘enough’? What is ‘sweet’ and what’s not anyway? As you can see, there’s a whole other philosophical network of questions that springs up when one asks a question like this.

How do you know whether you love someone or just really, really like them?

The word ‘love’ is bantered around so much nowadays. There are the shallow ‘sweety-darling’ crowds who say they absolutely love everything, there are girls and guys who fall in love at the drop of a hat – often with an attractive stranger they met on the bus only to find out three months down the road that he/she is a stripper/Hyde & Jekyll/porn star or just plain weird.

People who fall in love at first sight might show the most passion of any couple you see on the street, but they are also the ones forming the high divorce rates we see nowadays.

On the other extreme, there are those who don’t believe in love. They’re the sciencey crowds who claim that love is a load of gibberish and that it’s all pheromones working in overdrive. They analyse everything to death and come to the conclusion that love is a mutually agreed upon illusion.

So with all these contradictory theories floating around, how does a girl know she’s found ‘True Love’? Does it even exist? I don’t know about you but if it does, I’m personally kinda wishing some of that fairy dust will blow in my direction.

So I decided to ask the longest-lasting couple I know: my parents.

“Dad”, I said over the phone. “What’s love?” This surprised my father to no end – I have a very good relationship with my father, but he’s a bloke. We skip around the subject of emotions except when he chokes back a manful tear or two at important occasions.

After spluttering for a few minutes, he told me calmly that to him, love is a choice. “You have to make a decision every day of your life to stay with that person, through good or bad, even if you don’t feel like you love them anymore…because you’re not always going to. Sometimes, you won’t even like them…but for me, it was worth it”.

It was then that the light came on, I realised he was right. The difference between love and like, to me, is this: Love is a commitment that you make. Like isn’t secondary to love, in fact, like is essential to love.

You like hanging out with someone, spending time with them, you like what they wear, how they do their hair, the little wrinkle they get between their eyes when they’re mad, or they way they curl their lip when trying not to laugh. But like can be fickle. It is based on mere feelings, and no real intention. It’s easy to say goodbye to someone you simply like – because you believe there are others out there just like or better than them.

Herein lies the difference between like and love.

Love is choosing to be with someone – as one wise friend said, forsaking all others. Love is seeing someone for who they are, baggage, bad hair and all, and still being able to look them in the eye and say: “I love you”. Love is acceptance, understanding, patience, friendship, endurance…all those things that sound so boring when you’re 18 and horny but that suddenly becomes so important when you come ‘of age’.

How do you know whether you love someone or just really like them? Ask yourself this – if they were involved in a terrible car accident tomorrow and became crippled, would you stay with them? If your answer is a sincere yes from the heart, then congratulations, you’re in love.

If it’s no, then you’re not…and that’s ok too – you might just need more time. I will tell you why this answer is so important – love means compromise, caring about the welfare of the other person as much as your own.

Love requires trust – and the most basic foundation of trust in a relationship is knowing that your partner will not leave you, no matter what happens. There are always going to be others more attractive, more intelligent, maybe even more compatible, others that you are attracted to. But love means you’ve committed to a choice and you need to follow through and see where it takes you.

This is why most people who have been in love say it takes time. The true test of love lies in what happens after infatuation fades and passion settles.

True love does exist. And it isn’t boring, or scary or impossible to find. It’s out there – if you’re brave enough to look, and strong enough to let yourself fall.

Karen Tay

My mind is very very fuzzy right now. I feel as though I might just blow apart with all the thoughts and memories and realisation and reminders of what I already know/have realised. I need to cool down.

Fuzzy mind, blank nails

I haven't painted my nails properly for a very long time. The last time that I did a close-to-satisfactory nail job was when I did for myself a white base-rainbow konadicure. I have a total lack of inspiration for my nails and my polish, which is bad – very very bad.

You're probably wondering why I'm talking about nails, since there can't be a more bimbotic topic for a person to ever blog about. Well for one, my nails depict my mood, my thoughts, my emotions. Right now, or perhaps I should say that it has been for quite some time already, they're all in a jumbled mess, thus I can't seem to pick out a shade to paint my nails because that attraction to a certain colour just isn't there. My love for polishes is still there, as after seeing the swatches for the OPI Holland collection, I pretty much noted down all the shades under my to-buy list. Same goes for the CG Magnetix collection and Essie Navigate Her collection. It's just that... I don't feel a connection to any colour anymore. I agree that they are pretty but none of them can define me at this moment. Sorry to add in this minor point which is absolutely bimbotic but it is a necessity to throw it in at this very moment, this is why I need more polishes!!!

I haven't counted my polish bottles for a very long time. Much less cleaned them – world's most arduous task is to clean every single freaking bottle in my nail lacquer collection! The last time I counted with one of my cousins, the number was 83. I think it should be more than 120 now.. since my big aunt just bought for me 23 bottles? Love her so much for it!

I just want back my fetish for my polishes. I want to get excited when it comes to painting my nails. I want to anticipate painting my nails, be it with a new shade or my favourite shade.

I guess this is all happening because my mind is all messed up. I can't seem to figure out what it wants, or to be specific, what I want. I suppose I should spend more time with myself. I remember how I used to always paint pinks and creams and all the other pastel colours, because they were considered to be "safer" choices and that I could pull them off the best. Then somehow I decided to try this particular blue shimmer one day.. I admit that it wasn't a shade that was suitable for me. I remember how everyone exclaimed at it and at my boldness. I remember how Jansen picked up my hand and examined my nails closely and carefully, then he said "Why didn't you paint a pink shade? I think that it would suit you better." FYI, I was wearing a white dress that night and hence my blue nails clashed with my attire. I answered him, "I just wanna try something new, something different, something out of the blue."

That night I could have worn something other than that white dress I guess, since anyone with proper fashion logic can tell that it is a total mismatch. However, I just had that crazy idea and wanted so badly to go ahead with it. I was tired of being who people perceived me to be, ie. the pretty girl in the pretty white dress. I wanted something different, I wanted to tell people that I'm different. I'm odd, but it makes me unique. And what better way to show it than to stick to my decision of wearing a white dress albeit I had striking blue nails on. It couldn't have defined my thoughts any better than words.

"You can force me to be whom you wish to perceive me as, however you cannot change who I truly am."

I am tired. Tired of things which I cannot speak of. This seem to be like a battle that has no foreseeable ending, a war without an end. Nonetheless I'm often told, with hope and faith in my heart, miracles will happen. I have no wish for a definite certain miracle, all I ask for is a miracle.

Remember, you can do so much better than this. Your journey doesn't end here, so don't let it end here.

Where do they get all that goddamn money?!

Yes, this entry is going to be about the sensitive issue: MONEY!

Earlier on today, Bestie told me that he bought a new summer coat at G2000 for only about a hundred plus dollars and it was on discount too, which makes it a total bargain-able buy. In my head, I was like... "WHAT?! $100++ FOR A BLAZER?! IS HE MADDDDD?!?!!!!" But then again, it's not my money and not my clothes, hence.. *shrugs shoulders* We started talking about our love for blazers and I told him that I have 3 black ones (do not ask me why I need 3 black blazers, with 2 looking almost the same except for the difference in quality and thickness of material), 1 white one and 1 blue one, and I am currently on the lookout for a pink one, a brown one (still contemplating on this one!) and maybe a coral red? Anyhow, I NEED MORE BLAZERS. I haven't been shopping lately and my wardrobe is on a major set-back. Yeah fine, you've probably heard me say that for like a gazillion times because my wardrobe seems to be #forever dead.

Ok, I'm getting to the main gist of this entry already. So I was whining to Bestie on how hard it is to find a good-looking pink blazer WITHOUT SHOULDER PADS (Gosh I can't begin to tell you on my hatred for anything with shoulder pads. So darn ugly-looking!!! And un-feminine!!!) and he told me that I should be on the look-out at ZARA for pink blazers. First thought that crossed my mind: ZARA?! Wouldn't that be really expensive?!! (FYI, I've never bought my blazers for anything more than $80.. I think! Can't really recall how much I paid for one of my black blazers which is made of a better quality) I was thinking that I could probably find my desirable pink blazer someday, from somewhere, at some reasonable affordable price..

It's not that I don't have the monies, and I suppose it is pretty ironical to hear someone who wouldn't hesitate to spend $84 on 4 bottles of nail polish, to be so stingy with regards to getting herself a good pink blazer. I guess it's because I draw a fine line between my shopping money and my savings.

I was blog-surfing earlier on, and as I looked through the pictures of all the popular bloggers, displaying to the world of their gorgeous garments and branded goods.. I started wondering, where do they get all that money to get all those goods? Then it hit me! Do they not save? To be fair to those who do save, I'm just making a wild guess here. I do know of some friends who are vivid shoppers, only shopping at high-end stores, and they DO NOT save. The reasons as to why they do not save varies - from "I do not work thus if I save, what do I have left to spend?" to "I do not know how to save". So yeah, I rather not judge on their reasons since we all have our own mindsets and as much as we hope for others to respect our mentality, I guess we should first respect others, yes? Albeit I will admit that I do find some of their reasons to be absurdly ridiculous. Then again, those same people will probably find me ridiculous as well for spending over a hundred on nail supplies every month. Oh well...

To each his own, I suppose.

Anyway, I'm coming up with a new blogskin. Getting rather tired of seeing this current one all the time. And frankly it has been ages since I last changed my blog template. Something new is usually something good. Also, it is a new year afterall. I shall get Bestie to help me with my new blogskin since I really suck at JavaScript and he is the pro at these techno-stuff!!! I'm thinking of taking a break from my usual white layout. Yes darlings, I am indeed getting tired from seeing so much white all the time too! Haha! It doesn't change the fact that white is still my favourite colour though! I'm thinking of taking things up a notch, going for a tiled background or something. As per usual, nothing too complex, something simple and easy for the eyes. I wouldn't like to blog either if my blog is all complicated and not to my liking!

Ooo.. So many things to do! New blogskin! Golden dragon nails for the upcoming CNY! Lexy's arrival to SG! Korean revision before the classes start on 13th Feb! Work and shopping! And meeting Bestie every month!!!

It doesn't take a lot to make me happy - all it takes are just the simplest little things in my life. (:

SUCCESSFUL

2012 new year resolution: "2012 will be SUCCESSFUL!"

Hmmm I can't help realising that my new year resolutions aren't the usual sort like less pimples, better grades, be more dilligent and etc. I suppose it's because I'm making a wish for the entire year, rather than just a small category. After 2010, I learnt how important it is to be happy and strong. K wtf, not suppose to be reminiscing about the past. *shakes head to remove thoughts*

School starts this year. Freaking can't wait for it!!! Then again, I should probably utilise my last 4 months of holiday to the maximum! Since I'll probably never get such a break ever again..! HMMMMMMMM. I shall first plan for my first 4 months of this going-to-be awesome and successful year!

Plans for 2012 (from January to April):

January

- LEXUS' ARRIVAL TO SINGAPORE!!!!
Omg there's going to be so much shopping and eating and fun! And photos too!!! Plans for CNY are currently in progress. I know that there will definitely be a trip to USS! And probably a trip to Malaysia as well! OMG OMG OMG! CANNOT WAIT! Counting down: 18 more days!

February

- KOREAN ELEMENTARY CLASS II!
I took elementary class 1 last January and then I stopped there. Lost the interest in pursuing it further as I hadn't had the time to memorise my Korean alphabets and frankly, I regretted having not been more diligent. It's just like my interest in piano. I took up piano lessons when I was in Primary 3/4 I think.. The teacher sucked, so I didn't even bother to practise and hence I didn't manage to make it pass grade 1 and I'm full of regrets about it. Maybe I'll take up piano lessons again someday, and get at least a decent grade 5 or something. Shall include it in my to-do wishlist. I feel absolutely stupid being a music illiterate! :(

Anyway I have yet to even sign-up for my elementary class 2!! Shall be a good girl and go get myself registered tomorrow! One of my resolutions for 2012: BE ABLE TO SPEAK FLUENT KOREAN BY THE END OF THIS YEAR! RAWR!!!

2012 is going to be one helluva crazy year. There's going to be school, work, and korean classes. AND SHOPPING OF COURSE!!!! My nail polishes...@_@ "Oh, swatches of Spring collection 2012, why aren't you out yettttt? Why why whyyyyyy?"

People say that I'm crazy to have close to 90 bottles of nail polishes... swatchandlearn has 500++ bottles k!!! My collection is like comparing an ant to an elephant when compared to hers! Motivation to get more nail polish! Weehee! *rubs hand in glee*

March

HMMMMM. Haven't thought that far yet. There is Daddy's birthday.. I wanna go abroad once more before school starts. I wanna do something crazy (minus any possible messy drama!) I wanna go on a picnic with Bestie at the beach and probably do some cycling as well - he has been nagging me for 18 months to go to the beach with him. Ooo! There is also Sin Hui's birthday!!! HEE-HEE-HEE! Oh, I wanna go for an exhibition as well, be it at MBS or SSC. I'll see what there is when March finally creeps up.

April

- SCHOOL!!!!!!
*JUMPS UP AND DOWN WITH JOY* I seriously miss going to school k. Making friends and studying, doing homework and learning new things. Fag man. I never thought that I'd see myself ever saying that! Guess a year of break can really change a person's attitude about various things in life. Hahaha!

I shall get Joey to go on a shopping spree with me 2 weeks before the start of school, in preparation for the upcoming busy days when I'll have no life and all there will be for me is school, work, korean classes, home. :O

School, school, school!!!! So freaking EXCITED!

Oh shit. I just googled for the Spring/Summer collection 2012 for OPI, China Glaze and Essie, and I'm shitting excited. Literally bobbing about in my chair and waving my hands in mid-air like a severely brain-damaged mental patient. Taking big gulps of air to calm myself down. I know that most of you (or probably all of you) don't get a single thing that I'm saying but it's okay. It's polishaholic language. Totally understandable and forgivable.

-For my own records-

OPI's Spring/Summer 2012 Holland collection. OPI's Nicki Minaj collection - hate most of the colours except for Metallic 4 Life which I found to be fairly acceptable.

China Glaze... I'm telling you, OHMYGAWD. Electropop collection, Prismatic collection, and lastly... the one that I'm looking forward to the most of all, Magnetix collection!!! I'll never have enough of glitter polishes, holographic polishes, and duochromes/multichromes. What I do not have is magnetic polishes and yes!!! I CAN FINALLY GET MY PERFECTLY MANICURED HANDS ON SOME BOTTLES OF AWESOME MAGNETIC POLISH! Ok, I need to calm down and stop hyperventilating. *takes in several big gulps of air*

Essie: A Spring To Invest In collection, Go Overboard collection, Resort 2012 collection. I've already seen swatches for the Go Overboard collection and I'm dying for the polishes already. Most of the polishes for the A Spring To Invest In collection have a matte finish and I'm not a fan of matte as I feel that polishes should always finish glossy so as to give this 'popping' sensation. But okay, that's just me. If the colours are truly fantastic, I guess I'll give them a layer of Seche Vite to make them glossy and popping. Resort 2012 collection... *shrugs shoulders* Need to see the swatches first.

Someone please tell me, how can 2012 NOT be awesome and fabulous and magnificient and SUCCESSFUL? Just the Spring/Summer 2012 polish collections are enough to make me so whooping crazy! Can you imagine how I'd be like when the Fall/Winter and miscellaneous collections come out?! I should probably empty out another drawer for my polishes, or better yet, just grab a couple of giant-size plastic containers from Daiso to place my polishes? The latter seems like a better idea!

Ah... What a good start to 2012. Pretty polishes and gorgeous clothes, aims and goals, resolutions and wishes. I have a good plan in hand, and am ready to implement it.

This is going to be the best year yet.

2011

Note: This entry was suppose to be uploaded on the 31st of December 2011.

OKAY, so in 2 hours time, it will officially be the end of 2011 and the start of 2012! An event that I've been looking forward to since like.. September? LOL

Here is my summary of my 2011:

I'll only be listing the somewhat-main event(s) of the month!

January

Kicked start the year by working at Esprit!

February

Dyed my hair for the first time - mahogany brown

March

Went clubbing for the first time, twice in a month! First with Shin, second with my 大姐! I also left Esprit that month.

April



Worked at Science Centre Singapore

May

Went to Taiwan with my sisters!

June

Started giving tuition by working at Little Sparkler Learning Centre! My first 2 students, Walter and Terry! I'm no longer teaching them as I quitted my job at the tuition centre at the end of this November.

July

Life pretty much slowed down after I started working as a private tutor.. It was mostly work, shop, go crazy over nails, eat and be bimbotic occasionally. Nothing spectacular. Well except the fact that I started going gaga over neoprints (again!) and had my girlfriends to camwhore with me!

August

Dyed my hair for the second time. My stylist decided that I should try having red and blonde highlights, and I went for it. And yes, I (finally) got myself an iPhone!!! My Vivienne Westwood-inspired bling iPhone cover!

September

Went on a short holiday with my family to Kuantan Malaysia.


When we came back, we held a family gathering at our place, in celebration of the Mid-Autumn festival.

October

Tutees had their EOY exams, thus everyone wanted extra lessons, hence I pretty much turned into a workaholic for the month of October. Fortunately, I still managed to squeeze some fun into my schedule! Went to USS twice that month!

First with the Tan family.




Second with my sister for the USS Halloween Horror Night event.

November

One of my cousins, Maggie, got married.




Went for Swiss Guides Camp 2011.


December

Went into Desaru, Malaysia for a day to have seafood for lunch! ((:

Then Xmas dinner at my place! With my grandfather falling ill 2 days later, and was sent into NUH A&E... In case you're wondering what I did for my birthday, 30th December 2011, I went to work in the morning then spent the rest of the day in the hospital. Bet you've never spent your birthday in a hospital before! Ha!

Anyway, yeap! That concludes my 2011. (:

Happy 19th Birthday to me

Frankly, I thought that my birthday this year was gonna suck, what with grandpa being hospitalised at the moment and still in ICU, albeit I am insanely grateful that his condition is improving and hopefully he will be transferred to high dependency later in the day; and I had to cancel my own birthday party that I've been looking forward to and to top it all off, I still have work today :O

However when the clock struck 12 and my phone started vibrating consistently as my Facebook wall is being flooded with birthday wishes and my friends were sending me birthday wishes via text messages, I started having second thoughts... And hey, today might not be such a terrible day afterall. And Bestie was awesome k. He sent me a super sweet birthday message. It made me smile instantaneously. The power of words.

So, my birthday wish for 2011: For my grandfather to get better ASAP, for him to be less obstinate and to agree to go for his operation. #pleaseletthiswishcometrue

With everything that has happened in December 2011, I have gathered so many new insights and reflections, and as far as this year is concerned, I dare say that for this month, I've learnt the most amount of valuable lessons throughout the whole year. Having finally taken the last few steps of my journey and putting an end to it at long last, I look back and feel irrevocably dumb and embarrassed. Oh well, it's not like I wasn't expecting this reaction from myself.

2012 is coming. So damn excited. Woohoo!

Merry Christmas 2k11

First-ever Christmas nails that I did for myself!!!! Mad cool! Nail junkie ftw!

Food for Thought

So, I haven't been very hardworking lately with regards to blogging. I guess it is partly due to the fact that my laptop is always out in the living room connected to the large 47-inch television via the HDMI cable. Also, with my trusty white iPhone4 keeping me company 24/7, giving me access to the internet EVERYWHERE I go, I don't really need my laptop anymore, except to fulfil daily needs of movies and my weekly needs of dramas. There is no Glee this week, and TVD is on hiatus till next year 5th of January (boohoo!) so I've been sucking in a hell lot of movies lately... Competing with my dad for better internet connection. Everytime when my download speed is less than 50, I'd start ranting and whining and complaining that he is loading too many movies, WHICH HE IS! My dad can load like 20 movies at one go okay! That is how terrible he is! It's not a wonder why I had to ponder for a month before finally making my mind to introduce Funshion to him. I suppose I kinda knew that this would happen :/ Oh well...

Anyway, I napped till 12midnight earlier on and woke up to a hungry stomach. So I made myself some instant chicken porridge, which I failed to finish because there was ginger in it, screened "One Day" on my big-ass television at home, and sat down to enjoy both my supper and my movie. It ended at about 4am, which gives enough reasons as to why I am still awake at this ungodly hour of 4.33AM. The sky is currently purple with a slight tinge of pink by the way. I'd say, lovely sky. Right... What on earth am I saying? I can feel my headache creeping in again.

Watching "One Day", was brilliant. I've been catching onto so many of these kinda movies recently. Anna Hathaway is a brilliant actress by the way. She is gorgeous and a very talented actor. Among all of such movies that I've watched lately, I found myself loving the ones that she is casted in. Her movies have always got some sort of astounding moral behind them. I should probably stop digressing and get on to the main food for thought.

There are so many things going on my mind right now, and I suppose that there is quite a number that can be easily settled by simply putting them behind me and not thinking about them. Oh fyi, not every matter can be "put behind" just like that. And your relationship status is actually a factor to be considered as well, since the smallest thing can actually upturn your relationship (hey, I'm not kidding here!) and that is why I emphasise again and again that relationships are a complete hassle! Then again it's probably because I'm not FOR relationships at the moment and probably for a very long moment which might possibly last for say.. 5 years? Or probably even more? I'm prepared to die as a rich fashionable beautiful wise single old hag, and so I rest my case.

Boy am I thankful that my blog is somewhat private now. I've even activated the protection of my tweets on twitter. I guess it shows how far I'm willing to go to stay hidden. Oh wait, let me get distracted for just a couple more of minutes. I just remembered that I said I would remove all of Kenny's pictures from my photo albums on Facebook. I'll explain that in a minute, I promise. Ok, I'm back again. I have no idea why I typed all of that since when you peeps (my dearest friends who have been told this link) read this, it'll seem like everything has been done in a second. I guess I just needed to document this down or something along that line. Anyway, first the Kenny thing. Well honestly, I've forgotten that I had pictures of him in my photo albums. So much time has passed, and what with me deleting his number from my phone, blocking him on facebook, skype, msn and all other communication means, I suppose... I just forgot? So a couple of days ago, I happened to chance upon it, and out of my idiotic curiousity, I went to click on "show tags" for every one of the pictures I took with him, and I got puzzled as to why he aren't tag in any of them, then I realised that it was because I blocked him on facebook -.- I know right, retarded me. Hence I figured that since he can't see them anyway, why not just delete them, and tadah! They are all gone now!

One of the things that I had wanted to talk about today is how I came to realise that... 2011 is coming to an end. I should probably save this topic till the mid-month of December but I really wish to rave about the thoughts in my head so here goes: I can still remember vividly as how I started of 2011 — and I'll save the summary till a further later part of this ending year — and then I began to wonder what my 2012 resolution should be. Well.. I have a slight clue I suppose, but it aren't intact and I'm probably gonna wait till the clock strikes twelve again and every channel on TV, everyone goes "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" and I hope that I'll get to see some fireworks display from my living room window.. Fireworks are very important! I believe that they are what inspired my resolution for this year, and hence they will also determine my resolution for next year! And yeah, I'll wait till then and get hit with some fascinating resolution as to how I should live 2012. Oh oh! I do know one thing, 2012 = No Kenny. Yeah yeah, I know my girl peeps would be elated to know that, since I've been raving on and on about this guy and blah blah blah.. Meh whatever. I used 2011 to find myself again, and so I'll use 2012 to get on with my life without him. I did it once, I can do it again. This time, with a clearer mind and a vision in my head.

I'm not going to think about how he is lost now, and like what my sister said, he might probably never find his way back onto the right path again. I guess he stepped off that path when he.. did whatever he did, and yeah.. he isn't the decent Kenny boy that I know anymore. (Kenny boy is a nickname that my sister came up for him. They have this weird brother-sister chemistry between them that I just can never seem to understand and I thought it was pretty cute.) I can remember how he screamed at me over the phone about how he didn't worked his ass off to get me on the right path, for me to get onto the wrong path again due to a mistake he made. And so as soon as he said that sentence, I guess he kinda built a glass wall between the both of us, separating both of our worlds, locking me in the 'good' world and him leaving behind in the 'bad' world. Okay, this is probably just all in my head you know. See this is how I see things NOW, and will definitely see things in another light some time down the road. I can see what's happening to him in the other world, but I can't reach out to him because as we all know, glass is solid, glass is hard. We say that it's brittle, but it aren't really that easy to break, unless you're crazy enough to grab a hammer and smash through it, however that ONE piece of hard glass will shatter into hundreds of shards of tiny painful dangerous glass. And you'll have to step over all of these shards before you can enter the other world, and who knows what's gonna happen on the other world? You've only seen it, you haven't been there. Alright, I've probably gone a tad too far. Typing is just really addictive because I can see words forming very quickly and it helps to prod my mind into thinking at a faster speed.

I've been thinking.. why am I so against relationships? And I realise that it is because I hate hearing/saying the words "break up". I guess I've been drilled too much by Disney's fairytales, so I hate any stories that don't make me smile at the end of it. For HJ's story, it took almost 3 years to get an ending that I am satisfied with okay! I admit that when I see his cheesy facebook display picture with Wan Qing, my stomach turns and I get this creepy tingling sensation on my skin as though a chilly wind just went pass and all the hair on my skin got ruffled by that breeze, but from the bottom of my heart, I'm happy for him because I know that he is happy. And how do I know that? He's fat again ROFL. The cons of being in love. Unless you've got two feet on your emotional grounds, you'll definitely put on weight. That and the immense desire to spend every waking minute with your love, and it results in you distancing from your friends, and your heart is constantly on a roller coaster ride, and you'll feel like Chicken Little — as though the sky is ready to fall any minute. Which is why I say, unless you have good discipline over your emotions, love is like hard liquor, and you my dear, are the drunkard.

IT'S 6AM! GOODNIGHT X.

P.S. I do still love Kenny very very much, but I just don't like him anymore — not the current him.

Violate me. I dare you.

: 1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

Umm.. Yes?

: 2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

No

: 3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

Can't recall

: 4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

Yes

: 5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

No?

: 6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

Yes

: 7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

An old tee and a pair of shorts

: 8. How often do you listen to music?

Everyday without fail

: 9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

Jeans?

: 10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2012?

It already has and it's still an ongoing event.

: 11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

Social?

: 12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?

No.

: 13. What about ‘R’?

No

: 14. Can you drive a stick shift?

Yes!!! Ha!

: 15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

Unfortunately, yes.

: 16. Are you going out of town soon?

No :(

: 17. When was the last time you cried?

Yesterday

: 18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

Yes

: 19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

Umm.. A lighter shade of brown would be nice?

: 20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

Yes

: 21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

My mom going through a serious PMS mood because she's menopausing.

: 22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

Yes

: 23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

No

: 24. What are you sitting on right now?

Lying on actually. My bed?

: 25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

Yeah. My girlfriends. And my Bestie, because I forced him to when he made me wake up at 1.30AM to help him with his homework -.-

: 26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

Yes

: 27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

Talked/texted? If texted, Shin

: 28. Do you get a lot of colds?

No

: 29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

My secondary school.

: 30. Does anyone hate you?

Yeah I guess?

: 31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

No

: 32. Do you like watching scary movies?

Yes

: 33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

No!

: 34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

None. The most disastrous year is the same one that taught me the most amount of valuable lessons.

: 35. Did you have a dream last night?

Yes

: 36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Er.. That would be last Friday when Joey tweeted me that she has my OPI Rainbow Connection ^_^

: 37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

No

: 38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

No?

: 39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

No (It's 3.36AM right now. Anyone sane would be asleep.)

: 40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

No. PMS-ing mom = bad day

: 41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

No

: 42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

No?

: 43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

Yes

: 44. What’s the best part about school?

I'm not schooling right now, but... from my past experiences, having something to do? Learning something new? Hanging out with my friends?

Sheesh. That's a lot of 'best part'.

: 45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

Yes

: 46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

Yes

: 47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

Yes

: 48. Were you single over the last summer?

Yes

: 49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

No

: 50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

Sleeping

: 51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

No

: 52. Are you nice to everyone?

Pretty much?

: 53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

Yes

: 54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

YES

: 55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

Umm.. Yes/No? (I can't decide)

: 56. Do you think you like someone?

Yes

: 57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?

NO! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

: 58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

No preference. Both genders have their own benefits.

: 59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

No

: 60. Do you hate anyone?

Yes

: 61. How’s your heart?

Scarred

: 62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

Yes

: 63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

Yes

: 64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

Don't wish to know

: 65. Are your toenails painted pink?

Nope. Now, violet! (:

: 66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

No

: 67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

Not for me

: 68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

No

: 69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

A possible future working partner

: 70. How do you look right now?

Tired

: 71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

Yes

: 72. Can you commit to one person?

Yes

: 73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

Yes?

: 74. Have you ever felt replaced?

Yes..

: 75. Did you wake up cranky?

Yes

: 76. Are you a jealous person?

Yes?

: 77. Are relationships ever worth it?

Yes?

: 78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

Mmm.. Yes/No (I can't decide)

: 79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

Yes/No (I can't decide)

: 80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

Go smoochiezz and get nail polishes!!!

: 81. Last person you cried in front of?

My ex-ex employer -.-

: 82. Is there someone you will never forget?

Yes

: 83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?

No..

: 84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

Smiling and giggling at this question

: 85. Are you over your past?

Yes/No (I can't decide)

: 86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

Yes

: 87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

No..

: 88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

YES!

: 89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

It depends on who he is

: 90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

No

: 91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

No

: 92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

No

: 93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

No

: 94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

No. It's going great. Lol

: 95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

I liked myself in March (and in fact, every other months too), so yes

: 96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

Does twitter count? If yes, yes?

: 97. Who do you have texts from?

My bestfriends, my girlfriends, my sister, my cousins, my parents, my employer, my clients?

: 98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

"Oh."

: 99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

How old is "older"? Every guy whom I've kissed is a few days/months older than me.

: 100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?

Some dude dressed up as The Devil during USS: HHN.

: 101. Ever kissed under fireworks?

No

: 102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

Yes