I should be asleep..

Today is one of those rare days when I actually turn my laptop on to do something other than watching videos. Oh and you might have noticed, I finally made the effort to switch my blog template. I still need Bestie's help to tweak it a little because I honestly suck at HTML and I did most of it with just pure luck. It is insanely floral-patterned but I suppose it makes a good change as compared to my usual white-only theme.

I'm messing up my plans badly and neither have I been keeping to my 2012 resolution. It feel as though... something is missing. Change is missing.

And it is far time that I do something about it.

It is currently 3.32AM and I am about to set my life back on its tracks.

There I was looking through my Facebook news feed earlier on -- anyone who knows me well enough knows that I get a repulsive feeling when it comes to Facebook thus I hardly spend more time than necessary on that website. I looked through a couple of my friends' pages and wow.. while I have been isolating myself from the rest of the world, the world has certainly changed a lot. I recall some of the comments that I mumbled/snickered as I scrolled down the page with earnest curiosity: "Wow! They are still together?!", "Ha! No wonder she hasn't been replying my text messages! New boyfriend..", "Seriously?! Married?!! Since when?!", "Mmm? New boyfriend/girlfriend? Again?", "Aww.. So sweet! So adorable!", "Eew!!! Total mismatch!"... How long has it been since I last exposed myself to the idea of being tied down by matters of the heart? A very long time...

Once bitten, twice shy. My obstinate decision to avoid dealing with any possible messy dramas has nothing to do with the bet that I have with Sin Hui, since I (and her too, which is probably why she so daringly dared me to have that bet with her!) know that if I set my mind to something, I wouldn't care about anything else. I would do anything to make it work now, and for the rest of my life. That is how I am. Hence when it gets screwed up, not because I didn't put any effort to it but rather due to other factors, I get totally fucked up and torn apart. I'll scream and cry till the world goes down. That's a metaphor by the way.

"Always remember in order to be strong, you have to do the things that your heart doesn't want you to do but your brain tells you!"

For the past 1 year, I have been strictly following my brain. I have up to 6 notes in my phone, filled with inspirational quotes, constantly reminding me to never look back, to be strong, to not fall in love. They remind me of what I went through, what I should fear, what I have to do, why I am alone now. I worked hard to fully live a life of a 19 years old, afterall everyone only gets one shot at life. You either do it, or you miss it. My life was stagnant for 2 years, I hardly grew (mentally) at all when I was dating him. To be frank, I switched off my brain and couldn't be more stupid. Sin Hui was at my place last Friday and we had a heart-to-heart talk, I mentioned to her about that point and she said: "Yeah. Glad you finally noticed it. Back then, I thought I almost lost you there." I now see the importance of finding someone whom I can grow with, and it can't be any more obvious, he isn't that someone.

And no, I'm not smitten about him anymore. I'm just saying it.

I will be 20 years old this year and unfortunately, I don't feel like a 20-year old kid at the moment. I still feel 19. Well technically there isn't anything wrong with that since I officially turned 19 just a couple of months ago, but yeah... mismatch! I need change. Like a huge one. I can't afford to wait all the way till April when school starts for me again. That would be too long and too far away. I need one now. Obviously getting more polishes aren't gonna help, but yes I'm still getting all the ones on my wishlist! And neither is shopping for more clothes nor a movie/drama marathon. I need something.. physical. Hee!


I was told:
"When you're afraid to do something, chances are, it's exactly the thing you should be doing."

I know what I should be doing.. But if only it was as easy as it seems. Sometimes I wish that I don't think so much and view life through a simpler set of eyes. There is so much to take into consideration, so much to calculate, so much to ponder over. Then again, if everything was that simple to me, then I wouldn't be asking for the best.

"To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often."

I'll go with the flow. What comes will eventually arrive, what goes can never be retained. Too much thinking for tonight, especially at this time of the night. I have work tomorrow, I have yet to mark one of the kid's work, I have got food for thought.

P.S. I need a break and I want some time for myself. (Just saying)

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