Fuzzy mind, blank nails

I haven't painted my nails properly for a very long time. The last time that I did a close-to-satisfactory nail job was when I did for myself a white base-rainbow konadicure. I have a total lack of inspiration for my nails and my polish, which is bad – very very bad.

You're probably wondering why I'm talking about nails, since there can't be a more bimbotic topic for a person to ever blog about. Well for one, my nails depict my mood, my thoughts, my emotions. Right now, or perhaps I should say that it has been for quite some time already, they're all in a jumbled mess, thus I can't seem to pick out a shade to paint my nails because that attraction to a certain colour just isn't there. My love for polishes is still there, as after seeing the swatches for the OPI Holland collection, I pretty much noted down all the shades under my to-buy list. Same goes for the CG Magnetix collection and Essie Navigate Her collection. It's just that... I don't feel a connection to any colour anymore. I agree that they are pretty but none of them can define me at this moment. Sorry to add in this minor point which is absolutely bimbotic but it is a necessity to throw it in at this very moment, this is why I need more polishes!!!

I haven't counted my polish bottles for a very long time. Much less cleaned them – world's most arduous task is to clean every single freaking bottle in my nail lacquer collection! The last time I counted with one of my cousins, the number was 83. I think it should be more than 120 now.. since my big aunt just bought for me 23 bottles? Love her so much for it!

I just want back my fetish for my polishes. I want to get excited when it comes to painting my nails. I want to anticipate painting my nails, be it with a new shade or my favourite shade.

I guess this is all happening because my mind is all messed up. I can't seem to figure out what it wants, or to be specific, what I want. I suppose I should spend more time with myself. I remember how I used to always paint pinks and creams and all the other pastel colours, because they were considered to be "safer" choices and that I could pull them off the best. Then somehow I decided to try this particular blue shimmer one day.. I admit that it wasn't a shade that was suitable for me. I remember how everyone exclaimed at it and at my boldness. I remember how Jansen picked up my hand and examined my nails closely and carefully, then he said "Why didn't you paint a pink shade? I think that it would suit you better." FYI, I was wearing a white dress that night and hence my blue nails clashed with my attire. I answered him, "I just wanna try something new, something different, something out of the blue."

That night I could have worn something other than that white dress I guess, since anyone with proper fashion logic can tell that it is a total mismatch. However, I just had that crazy idea and wanted so badly to go ahead with it. I was tired of being who people perceived me to be, ie. the pretty girl in the pretty white dress. I wanted something different, I wanted to tell people that I'm different. I'm odd, but it makes me unique. And what better way to show it than to stick to my decision of wearing a white dress albeit I had striking blue nails on. It couldn't have defined my thoughts any better than words.

"You can force me to be whom you wish to perceive me as, however you cannot change who I truly am."

I am tired. Tired of things which I cannot speak of. This seem to be like a battle that has no foreseeable ending, a war without an end. Nonetheless I'm often told, with hope and faith in my heart, miracles will happen. I have no wish for a definite certain miracle, all I ask for is a miracle.

Remember, you can do so much better than this. Your journey doesn't end here, so don't let it end here.

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