This is what I am gonna do...

I will not be afraid to say that my fairytale has ended. If you are rejoicing about it, fuck off bitch/bastard. Your face is all it takes for me to puke out everything that I've ever ate in my whole life.
Yes, I still love you. But I won't wait for you anymore. Because...

The quote says it all. Tonight, I will be out with my gang of guy friends. They have dearly taken out time to spend with me, to help me numb this pain, to distract me from all the hurt that you've inflicted upon me. I will enjoy my time tonight. I will appreciate the efforts of my friends.

I will live for myself.

Going out now. Will try to update through twitter. Xoxo.

Enough

I can feel the author of my story, flipping over a new page.
And on top of the new page, my author scrawls:

NEW CHAPTER

My darling girlfriend Genevieve made use of her own blog template to create one new blogskin for me. I'm trying my best to wipe off all traces so at least I won't be reminded and I won't cry.

Like what HJ said, distract yourself with whatever you can, and through that, you'll cry less. I'm packing my schedule with all sorts of activities, especially during the weekends; the slot that I've always left for you is now painfully empty....

Inactive

I haven't been active on my public blog lately. And I apologise for it.
It's not that there isn't anything interesting happening. Ok, besides baby's mummy's birthday, the start of Common Tests, and the END of Common Tests (Ha! For those peeps out there who have yet to take your CTs, I know you're jealous of me!!), I don't think there is much stuff that would be under the category of interesting.

Well, another reason why I couldn't be bothered to post anything up is because I've been too lazy to whip out my camera and snap pictures. Even if I do bring my camera around - eg. baby's place; I'm always so lazy to walk back to his room, zip open my bag, grab the camera then walk back out to take pictures. Yes, I'm a lazy girl. Too bad, it's in my blood!

Right, so yesterday (11 March 2010) signifies the end of my common tests period. (Yeah!!) Went out with girlfriends to have lunch, grab a movie and then home sweet home to sleep.
We went to eat Shodoku @ Cathay Cineleisure. Xinyi's recommendation. It is pretty good! I didn't bring camera along with me so no pictures. Sorry!!
If you ever do go there to eat, you might wanna share the Curry Rice set with a friend because it is extremely huge! The japanese pizza looks pretty good too! (Ordered by Denyce) I'm already planning what to eat when I go there the next time. (Sorry lah!! I know I'm very greedy.
Food is an essential delicacy which requires lots of attention, even for all the nitty gritty issues like sauce used and etc. Yes, I've got a picky mouth. Humph.

The movie that we watched was Kaiji: The Ultimate Gambler. My first japanese movie EVER!

I would say that.. It is not too bad for a first japanese movie. Interesting storyline.
When I first saw the title of the movie, I was like "Okay.. Gambler, gambling, money and cards involved." But I only got part of it right. The gamblers were losers in life, who were always owing people money, always in debt, never have they studied hard, worked hard. They were real and practical LOSERS. So here comes a company, ever so nice and sweet. Willing to give them a second chance at life! They get aboard a ship called Espiro. And from there onwards, he goes through a bumpy ride to learn how to be alive.

I shan't say anymore, or I'll be ruining the show for people who are interested. I think that the interesting part of the movie is the deck of cards played at the end, called the E-Cards.

2 sets of cards - 1 emperor set, 1 slave set.
Each set has 5 cards composing of one main card (Either the emperor card or the slave card) and 4 other citizens card.

The games goes like this:
Naturally, a citizen is better than a slave. And the emperor is of course better than a citizen!
But, as a slave has nothing to lose, you are fearless. Whereas, as an emperor, you have got everything to lose because you are at the top of the social strata. Hence, the slave gains victory over the emperor card!

What happens in the game is that each time, both parties are required to pick one card and place it on the table. The slave set has to choose his card first and place his on the table, then the emperor set chooses and places his chosen card on the table. Then both parties open their cards at the same time.
If it is a citizen card against a citizen card, naturally it is a draw.
A emperor against a citizen, of course the emperor wins!
Citizen against slave, citizen wins!
Emperor against slave, slave wins!!

This is like a game which requires strategy instead of just banging around like some stupid mexican bull. I have no idea where I can get these cards so the best alternative is to make them myself!! Shall try the game out with baby this weekend. Nope, I am much too lazy to make the cards look damn nice or what. Just some paper, pen, write emperor, citizen and slave can already. :D
Am I smart or what?

Ok, I doubt you'll understand why this game is so interesting unless you watch the movie so I don't blame you. But!! I will blame you if I have to forsake any more of my beauty sleep to continue writing this entry since its 4AM in the morning already. I still need to wake up at 6.20AM later on to wake baby up for school! Its become my duty to wake him up since his parents have gone abroad.

Goodnight/Good Morning peeps. Xoxo.

Blood Donation Drive 2010

It is in your blood to save lives.



I was introduced to a blood donation drive when I was in my first year at CJ.
I had always wanted to try donating blood, I was curious about the experience.
It was said that you would feel GREAT after donating blood, like a great sense of satisfaction.
Think of it this way, you're feeding blood to a hungry vampire and because of you, the vampire feels so much better.
Ok, then again, I'm exaggerating. Please do not take that for serious.
But still, I'm totally serious about the great sense of satisfaction.

On wednesday, CJC Blood Donation Drive 2010 started.
And I went for it. On my own.
Not because I'm a fucking loser so I went for it on my own ok?
My girlfriends were either underweight if not they were just... unavailable during that period of time :X
No further elaboration needed.
Furthermore, when I went for the blood donation, all of them were having their cca!

As I proceeded to the Auditiorium Extension, I was freaking out and talking to myself on the way. A bad habit which occurs when I'm nervous and I can't seem to kick it.
Baby says I'm nuts. Going to donate blood on my own. It's honestly not that bad honey!
So I went in, filled in the blood donation questionnaire, tested if I was suitable for blood donation and I passed the test! Went through the medical screening effortlessly. Got my blood sampled. And after all the nitty gritty stuff, it was time for me to donate blood!

Before I proceed into the description on blood donation, I have to comment on something first.
I realise that I get bruised super easily! Because the nurse punctured my finger for a blood sample, and then around that would a bruise appeared.
Is it just me or what?

Back to the main story. To prevent blood donors from screaming in pain throughout the process, we're injected with a small amount of painkiller before the donation.
So the nurse wiped my left arm's skin with an antiseptic wipe, gave me the painkiller. Wiped away the blood oozing out from the wound caused by the injection. Wiped my skin with another antiseptic wipe and then..... I didn't stopped looking at the process.
It is so sick to see the yakult-straw thick needle being inserted into your skin and then it gets pushed into your veins and then you can feel that sucking feeling in which your blood is being extracted out from you.
Everything was going okay, and I was about to finish donating my blood already when I took a glance at the thick needle. I started feeling nauseous.
Yes, I am a hemophobic.
And so, the nurses stopped the blood donation. Really wasted, isn't it?
But still, i felt the great sense of satisfaction donating blood!
I was bandaged up with a pink smiley-face bandage! :D


The nurse told me that because of my fair complexion, and also because I moved my arm a little during the donation process, I will get a bad bruise.
And quite evidently, when I went home and took the bandage off, a bad nasty bruise was staring right back at me.



Oh and.. blood was still oozing out from the blood donation wound.
Possibly because I had to use my left arm during my Parent-Teacher Meeting duty. And also on my bus ride home, to prevent myself from falling. Stupid bus driver lah! Drive so fast and so reckless. Grumbles....

The next day (which is today), I started feeling the effects from the blood donation. My left arm is practically rendered useless. Can't lift objects which had quite an amount of weight.
So, I had to really depend on my right arm throughout the whole day.
But still, besides the bad bruise and the sore feeling in my left arm, I am still gonna go for the next blood donation which is 5 months later in August!
Wan Lin has promised to go with me already because she missed the chance this time, thanks to the fever that she got in the week before. According to the requirements for a blood donation, you can't fall sick 3 weeks in advance. Hahahaha.
Poor Wan Lin, she was so excited about getting her blood donated!

If you fulfill all the requirements for a blood donation, go get your blood donated.
You have got nothing to lose except for a few millilitres of blood.
And the benefits? Great sense of satisfaction. In addition, you're saving a life!
Stop all the nonsense about dying from blood donation. It is absolutely ridiculous.
Give Blood-Save Lives!!

Xoxo.

Better days are back (:

Things between me and baby are alot better.
I guess we just had to thrash out everything that we were keeping in our hearts, and reach a level of compromisation.

Thank you to my girlfriends who have been there for me throughout this bad period.
And thank you to those people who showed me care and concern as well.
I'm sorry for freaking all of you out. Especially my family who had to suffer my tears along with me.

Okay, end of this sad chapter.
I've been ski-ing on the surface of happiness for a long time already.
I guess heaven decided to let me have a taste of unhappiness to remind me of the bliss that I am living in and to learn how to cherish it.
Ups and downs. This is life.

Common tests are merely a few weeks away. It is time for me to turn my focus back onto my studies.
I do not want a repitition of my mid-years last year where I scored all Us for my core subjects.
Be it for him or for me, that is what I should be doing now as a student.
I need to learn how to juggle studies, love, friends and fun all at the same time.
Not forgetting my duties and responsibilities as a HTC of course.
Speaking of that. It reminds me. I so badly wanted to be a PRC-scholar buddy.
I missed a chance in swiss because I wasn't in the bio classes, and now, I lose another chance because there aren't enough china girl students to pair up with?!
I think I'm destined to not get a PRC buddy.

Why am I even babbling? I sound like a goldfish. -.-
And my hamster is in his breeding period. I saw him "playing" with the wooden cube (his new sex toy) which baby's grandfather bought for fluffy.
Zzzz.. my hamster is such a sicko. I am half wondering now if Sparky's eyes got eaten or did it get... *coughs*
Shall not permit my thoughts to venture into that area. I've got little kids reading my blog. Not wise to talk about such stuff.

Next week is baby's mummy's birthday! She is holding a birthday party and I'm invited!
Half excited, half nervous. Lots of people are gonna be there.
Wish me luck peeps.

Xoxo.

Getting stronger

"It's not all about you. It's not all about him. It is about the both of you. Together.

Thank you buddha for giving me the strength to continue walking down my chosen path.
Everything seemed so bleak initially, but you led the way.
And things are getting better.
My appetite is getting slightly better.
But.. I doubt I'll be eating my usual amount till a really long time later.

Today, I took a bus all the way down to Lot1.
Nope, it wasn't an accident. I did it deliberately.
I reached Lot1, bought a bubble tea (Peach Red Tea!), and I walked home. On my own.
I wanted to calm myself down, clear my thoughts.
I wanted to get some answer to my questions.
But.... After reaching home, I still failed to get the answers to my questions.
I was still as confused as when I first started walking.
I really wanted to know, what went wrong.
How did it go wrong? How did we actually let things turn so sour between us?
Why did we even let things turn out to be like how it is now?
Initially, I really wanted answers to these questions.
But now.. I realised that hey, since things have turned out like that.
Why bother dwelling on the past?
I should focus more on finding solutions to solve the problems between us.
And that is what I'm doing now.

For once, I'm not depressed after talking to you on the phone.
And neither did I cry after hanging up.
Instead, I'm feeling good. Because my brain is in functioning normally again.
I'm able to think sensibly, and to use my big brains before I act.
I haven't been capable of doing this for weeks already.
In fact, I'm happy from deep inside me. Not just a plastic barbie smile.
Hmm.. Looks like my songs are agreeing with me too. My media player is on shuffle mode, and its been playing motivational and encouraging songs since I turned the computer on!

Optimistic optimistic! Must be strong! HAAAAAAA-YAKKKKKKKKK! *Karate-chop*
Okay, I'm being nonsensical. But it proves that I'm okay! For now...
It's just like a roller coaster ride.. But I never do really like roller coaster rides :X
Right.. I'm digressing. But I'm happy now because I'm up up and high!
Like on a roller coaster ride....

Warm fuzzy feeling.

Annoyed

I'm fucking annoyed with myself.
The two voices in my head is irritating me to the max.

The angelic voice is all: Be patient, wait for him. You know you can do it.
The devilish voice is all: Ah fuck lah! You so scared of getting hurt. No wait, you're hurt already
what! So why bother getting yourself hurt even more?!!!

And you know what! The conversation continues going on in my head!

"Shut up you fucking devil. Stop inserting the wrong thoughts into her head!"
"You then shut up lah fucking angel! Who you think you are? So holy so innocent ar??? You got halo so what?! I got a pitch fork siah!!!"
"............ She knows she loves him and she knows that he still loves her. So why are you so insistent on breaking them up?????"
"Because that is my job!! I'm a devil for satan's sake!"
"And I am an angel for god's sake! I will stop you at all cost!!!!"
"You shall not succeed!!!"
"Yes, I will!! Haven't you heard before??? The good always triumphs over the evil!"
"Fuck, why am I evil. I wanna be good. I wanna win too......"
"Then be good!~!! Help her by fucking hell getting out of her head!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I like to be in her head."
"............ You're stupid. You're lame."
"So are you."
"I can't be bothered talking to you."
"Neither can I be bothered talking to you."
"Then stop talking to me!"
"You stop first lah!"
"Okay, I'll stop."
"Okay good. Let's stop talking to each other."
-A few moments later-
"Oi devil! Stop that! Stop sending her the wrong messages about love!"
"Siam lah angel! You know what love is meh????"
"Ha! I know! Love is the feeling that she feels for him!!"
"Right... so......?"
"So that is love lah!"
"You're lame..."
"You're stupid."
"Why am I talking to you."
"I don't know."
"................................................."


We're gonna give it another shot. Or more of he is.
Unless he starts to open up to me again, history is gonna repeat itself again.
And regret will definitely be splashed all over the headlines.
I know we can do it. But that is only if he makes an effort.
Not just an effort, but an effort to find back what is lost. To mend a broken bond.
To keep me in his life, to keep me at his running pace.
It's not gonna be easy, but it can be done.

You don't need more time to do it, you just need the effort, the determination, the faith.
You opened up to me today, and I can feel that one tiny step that you've taken.
It's a good progress. Keep it up. Things are starting to look good again.
The future is getting brighter by the moment.
You can do it, I believe you.

Be strong. I am. So can you.
Je t'aime

Change of strategy

There is no point in me begging you, tricking you, lying to you or any other nonsense.
Instead of trying to get the fact into your head.
I might as well make full use of the time that I've got left.
I am gonna love with every single bit of might that I have got.
I don't wanna regret at the end saying that I did not love you enough.
Instead, what I wanna say at the end is:
"Hey, I did my best in loving you, and I loved you with whatever that I've got. I've never regretted loving you."

Love to the maximum. That is, my strategy.

Have faith..

Things are heading for the worst...
My faith and determination is still there... But his.. It might be gone...
I can still see the signs of love through some of his actions, but if he is unsure, everything is unsure...
I am not sure how things would be like if it really heads for the worst...
I have no idea if its good or bad that I can't see the worst happening, but I can still see our futures entwined with each other..
But then again, there is still the probability that I am a failed psychic since there is no concrete proof to show that I am a successful one..
But one thing is for sure, I still love him....

There is a saying that "the higher you go, the harder the hurt will be when you fall.."
I think I quite understand it now, since I can feel myself descending into a fall already..
To be honest, I'm scared.. Really scared...
I have got no courage to face tomorrow...
I just wish for everything to be better soon....

If I fall, this scar is gonna be really really deep..........

Sweet, Sweeter, Sweetest.

"I remember every look upon your face. The way you roll your eyes. The way you taste. You make it hard for breathing.. Cause when I close my eyes and drift away, I think of you and everything's okay. I'm finally now believing that maybe it's true that I can't live without you. And maybe two is better than one. But there's so much time to figure out the rest of my life. And you've already got me coming undone. And I'm thinking two is better than one...."

Gosh. I had so many things that I wanted to bitch about initially.
But after listening to this song, my anger has evaporated into thin air.
The wonders of music therapy ♫
But I still wanna say one thing..
"All the bitch and bastards out there, stop giving me attitude as and when you like. When I'm nice to you, appreciate it. Don't fucking give me your bloody attitude. Oh and, you people know something? WAITING SUCKS."

Ok, I feel so much better. *smiles*
You don't have to feel guilty if you know that I'm not referring to you. But if you feel guilty, that means that I might be referring to you, which also means that you SHOULD do something about it.

As everyone knows.. Chinese New Year 2010, clashes with Valentine's Day 2010. :(
Not good at all because my baby would be going to Ipoh to spend CNY. So, we won't be able to keep up to our promise to dine at Jack's place every V day. (There's a reason why we chose Jack's place among all the other restaurants.)
But its alright. I guess we'll just having to bring forth our V day.
Oh and! How can I possibly blame my dearest baby when he bought me a gorgeous Valentine's present.

No.. Not my ee-ore. It's the star necklace that he is wearing!

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Love this necklace.
We saw it one day when we were window shopping, and for one whole week, I couldn't stop talking about it. I'm not surprised if he got irritated by me. :X
And what'd ya know! He bought it for me the next weekend. Mad happy!!
I had him put it on for me right away. I couldn't stop smiling for the whole day.
No wonder mummy always say that he spoils me far too much :P

I can't wait to spend tomorrow with him!
Stupid J1 orientation has been sucking up all of his time. The timings that he reaches home are horrifying, they range from 10.30pm to 12 midnight.
So most all of the nights, we barely exchange 10 sentences and he falls asleep while talking to me. My poor baby.
Anyway, I'm finally getting to spend some decent time with him tomorrow! Happy!!

Enough about him. Lets turn the focus back on me.
Cj's J1 commencement ceremony is on next monday. I managed to complete the calendar-board on friday with the help of my girlfriends. "Thank you girls!"
Sadly, I forgot to take a picture of it :(
But its alright! I'll see it again on monday and then, I'll take a picture of it!
Its not all that brilliant but still, I did it! So it isn't that too shabby afterall.
And then there is the CNY celebration on friday.
Which also means, EARLY DISMISSAL! ^^
Ok, abrupt end of entry.


Love the 2 donkeys in my life.

Xoxo to you all.