i dont want to. but i havent got a choice..
its 2am.
i should be sleeping.
i really should.
but i cant. i'm tired. i really am.
i dont mean being physically tired.. i mean that i'm mentally tired..
tired with all thats going around.
somehow..
whatever that i've been doing is wrong.
no one is satisfied with what im doing. no one appreciates what i've done.
everything that i've done has come down to a zero.
first.. i aint there for my family.
i'm not there for him when he needs me.
love, i apologize for that.
i knew how badly you needed me.
yet i couldnt be there.. i'm really sorry..
telling you to take things easy is merely sounding nice,
because i know that there is completely no way that you can take things easy now.
this has impacted you far too much. i cant just tell you to forget and move on.
no, i shant.
what i'm gonna tell you instead is to take this and bring it along with you as you move on.
she. has been and will be forever, part of your life.
there is no way that you can ever deny that fact.
telling you to forget her.. its just a bullshit phrase.
im not gonna tell you to smile for the sake of your family.
no, im not doing that.
if you wanna sulk, if you wanna be sad, if you wanna cry.
go on and be it.
but im giving you a time limit for how long that you be sad.
a day. thats all im giving you.
you cant possibly let this affair inflict a lasting scar upon you.
you cant possibly let it be the cause of the vanish of your smile.
this sounds nasty, but it aint worth it.
you're giving up a forest because of a flower?
there are others out there waiting for you.
you planning to show me that ugly sulky face of yours when i reach Australia?
eeeeew. come on....
you look completely horrendous in it.
i rather see that suave guy i've always known.
take this incident as a lesson.
keep it as a memory.
fold this memory, keep it in your pocket, hide it in your heart.
remember it. if you cant, pull it out of your pocket,
unfold that memory, look at it and remind yourself of it.
it hurts. i know it does. and how much it does.
its hurting you so much that it has not only wiped out that smile on your face,
but the twinkle in your eyes as well.
take a deep breath. and let it go..
the universal time waits for no one.
time might have seemed to stop in yours..
everything might have seem to be in slow motion now..
but thats only in your world.
not in reality.
let the past pass, let bygones be gone..
love, you know that i always am and always will be here for you when you need me..
secondly. girl..
i've told you tens, hundreds, thousands of time.
get over with it.
i've even told you the reason why you cant get over with it.
i've provided you with the solution to get over with it.
how many times have i persuaded you to? even i cant rmb the numbers.
its pointless telling me i dont know.
because i cant help you if you dont know.
only you. can help yourself.
its completely useless to constantly approach me,
telling me that you wanna cry now. how miserable you're feeling and etc.
the most that i can do is to provide you with a little comfort and care.
advices are bullshit since you never do and never will take them.
and the more i force them upon you to take it,
the more you'll hate me and i dont wanna put our friendship into risk.
you either tell him. or you dont.
you tell me that you dont wanna regret.
you tell me that you dont dare to face rejection.
well, let me tell you this.
you cant have them both.
you have got to pick one of them.
whats the point of complaining to me that time is not moving in your world,
when you yourself is not even letting it move?
you say everyone is changing but you aint.
well look at things this way,
we're all changing to suit to the changing world.
but you. the obstinate you.
refuse to allow the change take place upon you.
thats why you're suffering so much now.
i know how bloody hard it is to tell him.
but you've got to.
isnt there this phrase during wedding ceremonies,
say your piece now, or forever keep it in silence.
well.. you either say it now.
or you suffer from the consequences of keeping it in silence in the future.
i simply dont get what you're afraid of.
are you afraid of rejection? or are you afraid of embarrassment?
because from my point of view,
you're more afraid of embarrassment.
if he truly is the man that is so worthy of your love,
he would not mock you even if he rejects you.
sigh.. i've really run out of things to say.
the one last thing that i can say is..
tell him what you're feeling or live up to regret it in the future.
thirdly. this is to my 2 lil brothers.
look. as i've plainly said it 2 hours ago at your house.
i could jolly well choose to spend my time at home,
studying my physics and my chemistry.
but i've instead, chosen to opt those time out and help you 2 with your studies.
im not expecting the 2 of you to worship me for my kindness,
or go to the extend of licking the floor that i've stepped upon.
all i want is a little appreciation.
and less of that fucking attitude.
i want so much to give you two guys,
2 tight slaps in the face when you roll your eyes at me and
give me that tone of frustration.
i took time out to search those 4 exam papers from the internet.
everything that i do takes time.
and let me remind you again,
time waits for no one.
by spending time on you people doing that,
it means that i've got less time to do what i really want to do.
time which i plan to put it in other uses which would benefit me instead of you 2.
yet i've chosen to place the 2 of you priority against the things that would benefit me.
i spend 7 bloody hours at your place.
from 6pm to 1am.
all i am asking.. is for a little appreciation.
your lil sister, approaches me herself.
asking me to search for her from the internet, something for her to do.
anything for her to do.
so long as its work.
she is so eager to improve in her studies.
whenever she approaches me on how to do a question,
i'd teach her and she would thank me for it after that.
its really heartfelt to hear that little thank you.
unlike the 2 of you, all i get is a grunt and annoyance.
what kind of fucking attitude is that?
do you know how frustrating it is to really teach the both of you?
i'm only doing that for the sake of your father,
and because i dont want to see history repeat itself again.
lil bro, tell me.
do you want to once again feel that despair when you got back your psle results?
i doubt so.
so work hard now. its not too late..
nothing is ever too late.
take back those fucking attitudes. treat your dad better.
dont make him mad all the time. he has given you 2 whatever that you've wanted.
learn to appreciate what you've got..
lastly. this is to you.
i think you're probably the only one,
who would bother to read everything from the top to now.
and probably the only one who would understand everything i've said,
since i just told you about it an hour ago.
i'm really really thankful that you chose to come online.
you set aside your studies for me.
you've got so little time left. yet so many things to do.
bah... shant lecture you already.
since you've had enough of it on the phone already.
this post is being published 2 days later after its been written.
by right, i should have deleted it off.
by left(quoting from Mr Ngoh..), i shant.
since its what i wanna tell to some of the closest people in my life...
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