what should i do?

i'm at a complete loss now.
i do not know how to tell you this.
i keep wondering how i should tell you these..
words are formed in my mind, but not my mouth.
these words are always stuck at my throat.
i know i cant delay these any longer..
the more i delay, the more you're puzzled, the more you'll hate me eventually..
so.. i'm gonna use my fingers to tell you these words which i've always wanted to say..

its not that i dont want to them know..
but its the possibility that i might never see you again that frightens me..
if i tell them now,
i risk losing you.
if i dont tell them now,
i still risk losing you.
tell me what i should do?
whenever you ask me when i'm gonna tell them..
i'm at a loss.
i would always try to explain to you.
but it seems that whatever answer i give you,
you're not satisfied because its not the answer you want.
just to let you know..
neither am i satisfied with the answer i am giving you.
i really wish to just tell them but i noe i cant.
if i do..
history will repeat itself again..
i dont want to spend sleepless nights again for 6months..
i dont want to have nightmare horrors which would always ruin my night for 6months..
i dont want to be unable to face them..
unable to face you..
what you said just now really freaked me out.
i'm not sure if you said it in an accident or you really mean it.
all i know is..
it really freaked me out.
just that one small simple answer got my mind into work..
what would happen if you really meant it?
would that mean that all the promises are gone?
all the promises are broken?
all the words have been taken back?
i dont dare to think..
it really frightens me..
we've not been tgt for long i know..
but in those short dates out with you..
it really brought me lots of memories..
things which i would think through again and again..
things which i know i will never forget..
what i know now is..
i really dont want to let you go..
i'm really trying very hard..
when you want to see me, i do my best to arrange my schedule..
now you want me to tell them, i'm also trying my best..
i need to prove to them that i can juggle both things.
there's really lots of things i want to say to you.
not through any kind of electronic devices,
and neither through the phone.
i want face to face.
but we dont ever have the time,
if not there's always someone around us.
i'm really doing my best already
even though the results of it are not satisfying you..
i'm really sorry..
i'm gonna try harder..
but what i need is more time..
i really hope you can understand.. i really hope that you can..
because i dont want this to be the last of us..
i want us to go on and on and on and on..

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