Get over my heading for this entry already. It's not the first time that I've chosen some wacky out-of-the-place titles for my posts anyway. Moving on.
I'm starting to feel the toil of my current life, reeling it in bit by bit every day. I am not expressing the stress that I am feeling properly. For the first few weeks initially, I took it out on food, binging whenever I felt stress. Rod was appalled by my tremendous appetite, and frankly so was I. I haven't binged for a very long time, therefore I was so afraid that I blow up like a balloon and be unable to lose all the weight. I refused to stand on a weighing balance, the fear of looking at the digits on it was too intense. Fortunately I managed to slap myself awake in time and keep check of my diet once again. If I ever grow fat again, I wouldn't ever forgive myself. The horror of gaining weight.. for those who've never undergone that sort of scrutiny, you wouldn't understand.
Anyway, as I am currently unable to take out my stress on food, I've turned to internalising the stress, ie. attacking on my personal points. This is why I say that bathrooms are the best place on the world, they help to realise the things that you've been doing but haven't been seeing. Bathrooms are so freaking fantastic!
Back to my point, this was how I dealt with matters previously; can't binge? Sure, take it out on myself, pick on my points, make myself a better person. It would seem like something great, for it meant self-improvement, however what I was missing out on was that I wouldn't be just taking it out on myself, I would be taking it out on Rod too. Let me explain: Earlier on, and in fact for the past few days, I've been questioning myself on whether I knew what love was, how to love, and how I would like to be loved. Or that's what it seems from a narrow perspective. However if I were to take a step back and view things from a broader perspective, or for an example Rod's perspective, the aspect of those questions would take a 360-degrees turn. To question if I knew what love was, is akin to questioning if I really loved him (which I totally, truly, 101% do!), to question if I knew how to love was akin to stating that I haven't been loving him (I HAVE!) and lastly to question on how I would like to be loved is akin to saying that he doesn't love me or that he isn't gracing me with enough love. Honestly, this hadn't crossed my mind before. I guess I have been too selfish and too narrow-minded, focusing on only me, myself and I. I know right, what a bitch! :(
I have to find other avenues to channel the tension that I am feeling. I can feel the congestion in my mind, it's like the expressways in Singapore during the evening -- so freaking packed! I have to find some time out to sit down, lay my diary in front of me, grab a pen and list down all the major concerns in my head while prioritising them as well. It'll definitely help me to clear my mind and possibly ease it too. The amount of thoughts in there.. it's insane! Or maybe there isn't that many, but because I haven't got a chance to process each of them thoroughly, so what I am doing is chucking them to the back of my head till I get the time to think about them, yet the longer I drag, it gets worst as other thoughts are coming in at the same time, therefore there is a backlog which isn't cleared and what happens when things are overstuffed? They overflow, hence they keep re-surfacing on my mind but as my brain is programmed to keep them under, things start working like a trampoline in use. Boing-boing!
I am dying to catch my breath. I miss 2011, when school wasn't a factor of my life. The grass always seems greener on the other side. In 2011, I said I missed studying and going to school. Now that 2012 has rolled about and I am halfway through the year (WITH A CHANGE IN MY RELATIONSHIP STATUS -- I am so sorry, but I have yet to have gotten over that fact!) and am schooling again, I can't help whining about how fantastic those days were for I could always feel the entire interior of my head, had sufficient amount of rest, could sleep whenever I wanted/needed to, had a good grasp on the events that were occurring, constantly planning and keeping my schedule perfectly organised. I'm not saying that it is disorganised now, it is simply that it is so packed that I am hyperventilating a little.
Like what I mentioned earlier, I need to find time to sort my thoughts out properly. My head is too cramped up. I suppose that it is what's been draining my energy as well. I could survive on 5 hours of sleep for 20 hours (No, I did not fail in my math. Think a little harder and you'll get what I'm trying to say.) and now with 7 hours of sleep a day, I can't even make it through 8 hours completely. Epic fail.
It's 1:58AM. I have yet to start on my human anatomy tutorial and I'm done revising for my Malay test tomorrow. Schooldoes not suck! I WANT SLEEP :(
The dilemma between working hard and the guilt of resting -- inextricable.
I'm starting to feel the toil of my current life, reeling it in bit by bit every day. I am not expressing the stress that I am feeling properly. For the first few weeks initially, I took it out on food, binging whenever I felt stress. Rod was appalled by my tremendous appetite, and frankly so was I. I haven't binged for a very long time, therefore I was so afraid that I blow up like a balloon and be unable to lose all the weight. I refused to stand on a weighing balance, the fear of looking at the digits on it was too intense. Fortunately I managed to slap myself awake in time and keep check of my diet once again. If I ever grow fat again, I wouldn't ever forgive myself. The horror of gaining weight.. for those who've never undergone that sort of scrutiny, you wouldn't understand.
Anyway, as I am currently unable to take out my stress on food, I've turned to internalising the stress, ie. attacking on my personal points. This is why I say that bathrooms are the best place on the world, they help to realise the things that you've been doing but haven't been seeing. Bathrooms are so freaking fantastic!
Back to my point, this was how I dealt with matters previously; can't binge? Sure, take it out on myself, pick on my points, make myself a better person. It would seem like something great, for it meant self-improvement, however what I was missing out on was that I wouldn't be just taking it out on myself, I would be taking it out on Rod too. Let me explain: Earlier on, and in fact for the past few days, I've been questioning myself on whether I knew what love was, how to love, and how I would like to be loved. Or that's what it seems from a narrow perspective. However if I were to take a step back and view things from a broader perspective, or for an example Rod's perspective, the aspect of those questions would take a 360-degrees turn. To question if I knew what love was, is akin to questioning if I really loved him (which I totally, truly, 101% do!), to question if I knew how to love was akin to stating that I haven't been loving him (I HAVE!) and lastly to question on how I would like to be loved is akin to saying that he doesn't love me or that he isn't gracing me with enough love. Honestly, this hadn't crossed my mind before. I guess I have been too selfish and too narrow-minded, focusing on only me, myself and I. I know right, what a bitch! :(
I have to find other avenues to channel the tension that I am feeling. I can feel the congestion in my mind, it's like the expressways in Singapore during the evening -- so freaking packed! I have to find some time out to sit down, lay my diary in front of me, grab a pen and list down all the major concerns in my head while prioritising them as well. It'll definitely help me to clear my mind and possibly ease it too. The amount of thoughts in there.. it's insane! Or maybe there isn't that many, but because I haven't got a chance to process each of them thoroughly, so what I am doing is chucking them to the back of my head till I get the time to think about them, yet the longer I drag, it gets worst as other thoughts are coming in at the same time, therefore there is a backlog which isn't cleared and what happens when things are overstuffed? They overflow, hence they keep re-surfacing on my mind but as my brain is programmed to keep them under, things start working like a trampoline in use. Boing-boing!
I am dying to catch my breath. I miss 2011, when school wasn't a factor of my life. The grass always seems greener on the other side. In 2011, I said I missed studying and going to school. Now that 2012 has rolled about and I am halfway through the year (WITH A CHANGE IN MY RELATIONSHIP STATUS -- I am so sorry, but I have yet to have gotten over that fact!) and am schooling again, I can't help whining about how fantastic those days were for I could always feel the entire interior of my head, had sufficient amount of rest, could sleep whenever I wanted/needed to, had a good grasp on the events that were occurring, constantly planning and keeping my schedule perfectly organised. I'm not saying that it is disorganised now, it is simply that it is so packed that I am hyperventilating a little.
Like what I mentioned earlier, I need to find time to sort my thoughts out properly. My head is too cramped up. I suppose that it is what's been draining my energy as well. I could survive on 5 hours of sleep for 20 hours (No, I did not fail in my math. Think a little harder and you'll get what I'm trying to say.) and now with 7 hours of sleep a day, I can't even make it through 8 hours completely. Epic fail.
It's 1:58AM. I have yet to start on my human anatomy tutorial and I'm done revising for my Malay test tomorrow. School
The dilemma between working hard and the guilt of resting -- inextricable.
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