"Always remember that in order to be strong, sometimes we have to do the things that our heart doesn't want us to but our brain tells us to."

More often than less, we let our heart lead the way. I guess it is due to all the fictional stories that we have read since we were young, or the notions that dramas have inserted into our heads. We think that "Oh, we will not regret if we are to let our heart lead the way. The heart is never wrong." Well my dear friends, I am afraid that I have to incline to disagree to that statement. Regrets are formed not only when the wishes of our hearts are not fulfilled, but also when the thoughts of our minds are ignored during important moments when they should be valued the most.

And so you'll ask, if that is the case, which path should I walk? Well it is certainly a dilemma as both ways will cause regrets, one way or another. Opportunity cost would be the term to be used in this case. You have to lose either one thing or another, or perhaps you might be smart enough to figure out a way such that you wouldn't have to lose any at all. Such paths are not shown but rather created, hence they require a lot more thought than assumed.

"Between two evils, always pick the one that you have never tried."

Is it because we fear the other evil thus we avoid it and keep going for the one that we have tried again and again albeit the attempt has always been a failure? I suppose that for certain instances, that would be the reasoning behind our decided action.

Which would you choose to have -- have a strong but short life, or a long life filled with pseudo-happiness? Some people live to live long, some people live to truly live. No choice is right nor wrong. Us humans, we are granted with the rights to freedom of choice. So long as they do not defy your own moral values nor priniciples, nor bring harm to anyone (and much less yourself) and they must definitely be legal (should you wish to do anything illegal, please never be caught!), you are pretty much free to do whatever you wish.

Which is more essential -- to lose yourself because you love someone, or to retain yourself because you love yourself? Once again, no right nor wrong answer. Or at least I can't give one at the moment because I am still fairly young and am still exploring the world and all the complexities that it contains. The factors which determine the polarities of the answer differs for everyone. Frankly even I have no idea how I am to answer that question.

And so I wonder, why is this goddamn world so damn confusing? Or are we (the society) the ones making it so confusing, what with psychology and sociology and anthropology and all the other studies. I suppose that is why I am at my most calmed and peaceful state when I was lying comfortably in his warm embrace, looking across the Straits of Johor at our neighbouring country, empty Tupperware boxes at our side which once filled our picnic, the noisy callings of crickets as the night began to fall, birds chirping as they made their way back to their cosy nests, evening lights coming on one by one as its timer ticked and fulfilled its intended function.

For me, everyday is a battle, to retain myself because my love for someone requires for me to do that. I'll admit that I lose the battle at times and immerse in the euphoria brought about by the obsession till it weans off eventually and guilt starts creeping in, for I should have been stronger for him, and for I. Odd mentality I know. However this is my perception on things, he fell for me because I was I, and should I lose myself due to the love that I have developed for him, then I am no longer I and definitely not the one he loves, thus I would not have only failed him but I would have failed myself as well. Okay, confusing much. Blame psychology and sociology. Doing both modules at once is indeed mind-fucking. Try doing both projects at such an hour when I should (technically) be tucked snugly into bed, asleep and dreaming of happy dreams.

Oh well, procrastination is not going to get me anywhere at all. Although I do hope that I have as much resolve as I had before to wake up at wee hours to study, my lack of sleep has overpowered that will every single morning, no matter how determined I may be before I sleep.

In hindsight, just remember, you have one heart and one brain. Right.. that does not make any sense at all. Goodnight world.

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