As I near the age for marriage, my heart sometimes flutter at the thought of it, and sometimes it sinks.
My notion of marriage has drastically changed over the years.
From the dreamy "Cinderella meets Prince Charming" idea that I had when I was a innocent child, it has adversely turned into one with a more serious note. That is to be expected since I am less innocent and wiser than before with my current age.
What do I think of marriage now?
Hmm... Scary? There are so much responsibilities involved in it.
Getting the finances sorted out. Paying for the house, the groceries, the bills.
Keeping the house clean and tidy. Doing the laundry, mopping the floor, packing the tables, tidying the beds, washing the dishes.
Cooking the meals. (No sub-category for this, those three words said it all.)
And then there are the fearsome in-laws.
I will admit that no matter how nice any of my (ex and current) boyfriends' parents were... they always still scare the shit out of me. I am ultimately not their own born. Things will still somehow be different some way.
Because I am a perfectionist and I strive to gain approval from others, I fear doing things wrongly and getting the look of disapproval.
I fear being told that I am not doing my role right or that it isn't enough. Being a wife is tough work, what more being a mother?
I guess I can come upfront and tell my husband-to-be:
"Hey, do know that I will never cook like your mom but I will try. Do know that I will do my utmost best to keep the house in decent appearance but you need to help me out too. Do know that I am terrible with bills and I can't handle it for nuts, but I will pass you the due amount every month because I don't expect you to pay for them all. Do know that I love your parents and I will take care of them like they are my own, but I may always feel a tad fearful towards them because I am afraid of judgements and I am not their own born after all."
Does the fear towards your in-laws ever go away? I suppose I will find out when I am at the brink of death some many decades later.
I have yet to even dwell on how marriage would alter when the children arrive. I dare not approach that topic. The former is complicated enough already.
Let me first survive the first few years of marriage without kids and then we'll see how to wriggle those little beings in.
I guess to summarise my sentiments towards marriage: It is the leaving behind of a comfort zone which I have been snuggling in for the past 2 decades of my life that makes me feel so terrified.
Henceforth, the man that I will be giving up my comfort zone for has better damn be worth it.
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