Bathrooms are the best places in the world

Get over my heading for this entry already. It's not the first time that I've chosen some wacky out-of-the-place titles for my posts anyway. Moving on.

I'm starting to feel the toil of my current life, reeling it in bit by bit every day. I am not expressing the stress that I am feeling properly. For the first few weeks initially, I took it out on food, binging whenever I felt stress. Rod was appalled by my tremendous appetite, and frankly so was I. I haven't binged for a very long time, therefore I was so afraid that I blow up like a balloon and be unable to lose all the weight. I refused to stand on a weighing balance, the fear of looking at the digits on it was too intense. Fortunately I managed to slap myself awake in time and keep check of my diet once again. If I ever grow fat again, I wouldn't ever forgive myself. The horror of gaining weight.. for those who've never undergone that sort of scrutiny, you wouldn't understand.

Anyway, as I am currently unable to take out my stress on food, I've turned to internalising the stress, ie. attacking on my personal points. This is why I say that bathrooms are the best place on the world, they help to realise the things that you've been doing but haven't been seeing. Bathrooms are so freaking fantastic!

Back to my point, this was how I dealt with matters previously; can't binge? Sure, take it out on myself, pick on my points, make myself a better person. It would seem like something great, for it meant self-improvement, however what I was missing out on was that I wouldn't be just taking it out on myself, I would be taking it out on Rod too. Let me explain: Earlier on, and in fact for the past few days, I've been questioning myself on whether I knew what love was, how to love, and how I would like to be loved. Or that's what it seems from a narrow perspective. However if I were to take a step back and view things from a broader perspective, or for an example Rod's perspective, the aspect of those questions would take a 360-degrees turn. To question if I knew what love was, is akin to questioning if I really loved him (which I totally, truly, 101% do!), to question if I knew how to love was akin to stating that I haven't been loving him (I HAVE!) and lastly to question on how I would like to be loved is akin to saying that he doesn't love me or that he isn't gracing me with enough love. Honestly, this hadn't crossed my mind before. I guess I have been too selfish and too narrow-minded, focusing on only me, myself and I. I know right, what a bitch! :(

I have to find other avenues to channel the tension that I am feeling. I can feel the congestion in my mind, it's like the expressways in Singapore during the evening -- so freaking packed! I have to find some time out to sit down, lay my diary in front of me, grab a pen and list down all the major concerns in my head while prioritising them as well. It'll definitely help me to clear my mind and possibly ease it too. The amount of thoughts in there.. it's insane! Or maybe there isn't that many, but because I haven't got a chance to process each of them thoroughly, so what I am doing is chucking them to the back of my head till I get the time to think about them, yet the longer I drag, it gets worst as other thoughts are coming in at the same time, therefore there is a backlog which isn't cleared and what happens when things are overstuffed? They overflow, hence they keep re-surfacing on my mind but as my brain is programmed to keep them under, things start working like a trampoline in use. Boing-boing!

I am dying to catch my breath. I miss 2011, when school wasn't a factor of my life. The grass always seems greener on the other side. In 2011, I said I missed studying and going to school. Now that 2012 has rolled about and I am halfway through the year (WITH A CHANGE IN MY RELATIONSHIP STATUS -- I am so sorry, but I have yet to have gotten over that fact!) and am schooling again, I can't help whining about how fantastic those days were for I could always feel the entire interior of my head, had sufficient amount of rest, could sleep whenever I wanted/needed to, had a good grasp on the events that were occurring, constantly planning and keeping my schedule perfectly organised. I'm not saying that it is disorganised now, it is simply that it is so packed that I am hyperventilating a little.

Like what I mentioned earlier, I need to find time to sort my thoughts out properly. My head is too cramped up. I suppose that it is what's been draining my energy as well. I could survive on 5 hours of sleep for 20 hours (No, I did not fail in my math. Think a little harder and you'll get what I'm trying to say.) and now with 7 hours of sleep a day, I can't even make it through 8 hours completely. Epic fail.

It's 1:58AM. I have yet to start on my human anatomy tutorial and I'm done revising for my Malay test tomorrow. School does not suck! I WANT SLEEP :(

The dilemma between working hard and the guilt of resting -- inextricable.

Remember

"Always remember that in order to be strong, sometimes we have to do the things that our heart doesn't want us to but our brain tells us to."

More often than less, we let our heart lead the way. I guess it is due to all the fictional stories that we have read since we were young, or the notions that dramas have inserted into our heads. We think that "Oh, we will not regret if we are to let our heart lead the way. The heart is never wrong." Well my dear friends, I am afraid that I have to incline to disagree to that statement. Regrets are formed not only when the wishes of our hearts are not fulfilled, but also when the thoughts of our minds are ignored during important moments when they should be valued the most.

And so you'll ask, if that is the case, which path should I walk? Well it is certainly a dilemma as both ways will cause regrets, one way or another. Opportunity cost would be the term to be used in this case. You have to lose either one thing or another, or perhaps you might be smart enough to figure out a way such that you wouldn't have to lose any at all. Such paths are not shown but rather created, hence they require a lot more thought than assumed.

"Between two evils, always pick the one that you have never tried."

Is it because we fear the other evil thus we avoid it and keep going for the one that we have tried again and again albeit the attempt has always been a failure? I suppose that for certain instances, that would be the reasoning behind our decided action.

Which would you choose to have -- have a strong but short life, or a long life filled with pseudo-happiness? Some people live to live long, some people live to truly live. No choice is right nor wrong. Us humans, we are granted with the rights to freedom of choice. So long as they do not defy your own moral values nor priniciples, nor bring harm to anyone (and much less yourself) and they must definitely be legal (should you wish to do anything illegal, please never be caught!), you are pretty much free to do whatever you wish.

Which is more essential -- to lose yourself because you love someone, or to retain yourself because you love yourself? Once again, no right nor wrong answer. Or at least I can't give one at the moment because I am still fairly young and am still exploring the world and all the complexities that it contains. The factors which determine the polarities of the answer differs for everyone. Frankly even I have no idea how I am to answer that question.

And so I wonder, why is this goddamn world so damn confusing? Or are we (the society) the ones making it so confusing, what with psychology and sociology and anthropology and all the other studies. I suppose that is why I am at my most calmed and peaceful state when I was lying comfortably in his warm embrace, looking across the Straits of Johor at our neighbouring country, empty Tupperware boxes at our side which once filled our picnic, the noisy callings of crickets as the night began to fall, birds chirping as they made their way back to their cosy nests, evening lights coming on one by one as its timer ticked and fulfilled its intended function.

For me, everyday is a battle, to retain myself because my love for someone requires for me to do that. I'll admit that I lose the battle at times and immerse in the euphoria brought about by the obsession till it weans off eventually and guilt starts creeping in, for I should have been stronger for him, and for I. Odd mentality I know. However this is my perception on things, he fell for me because I was I, and should I lose myself due to the love that I have developed for him, then I am no longer I and definitely not the one he loves, thus I would not have only failed him but I would have failed myself as well. Okay, confusing much. Blame psychology and sociology. Doing both modules at once is indeed mind-fucking. Try doing both projects at such an hour when I should (technically) be tucked snugly into bed, asleep and dreaming of happy dreams.

Oh well, procrastination is not going to get me anywhere at all. Although I do hope that I have as much resolve as I had before to wake up at wee hours to study, my lack of sleep has overpowered that will every single morning, no matter how determined I may be before I sleep.

In hindsight, just remember, you have one heart and one brain. Right.. that does not make any sense at all. Goodnight world.

It's time to pay the rent

"Babe, it's time to pay the rent."
"What rent?????"
"Because you live in my heart..."
"LOL.."

Ally wondered, however can he be so mushy, yet it was strange as well, as to how much she found herself liking it.

Thinking twice

And so I stop and wonder, 'Am I viewing things from a too-serious perspective? What is the definition of too-serious? Should I take a step back, loosen up a little and take things with a lighter mindset?'

I asked for Roderick, the universe answered to my request. I have yet to regret any of the steps that I've taken and I do wish to have none of that either in the future. Is there such a thing called 'try-and error' when it comes to relationship? I don't think so, for when a bad scenario is tried and tested, you hardly ever forget the bad outcome. You can't just put a cross in the check-box and then move onto try a situation which seems more plausible. Or can we?

How are boy-girl relationships suppose to be like? What is its purpose? What are its functions? I think I might be suffocating him.. And possibly even me. I guess this is a subject which I will have to bring it up to him tomorrow. Relationships are suppose to be fun, and the level of fun should be on par with the level of seriousness. I might have taken things a little too far lately. This is really something which I have to deal with lately.

He whines that I haven't surprised him in a long while. I wouldn't deny that, I know it too. Somehow I get the feeling that his primary love language is "Receiving Gifts" because all arrows are pointing towards that direction. Chapter 6 — Receiving Gifts.. We'll find out soon enough what language it is that he speaks.

Now, planning time. What surprise should I have for him? It is not an excuse for me to say that I haven't any time nor energy to plan surprises for him because the deadlines for my assignments are coming and so I'm beat-out —drained of mental and physical energy, and therefore I need not fill his love tank. Excuses, excuses, excuses. There is no place in my world for the existence of excuses. And so back to the subject: what surprise? It's 5AM now, my menstruation is rebelling and thus I'm unable to sleep and am awake at this ungodly hour. I can go visit my grandma early this morning, then take a train down to his place and surprise him! I shall get him some snacks which he can munch later during work — I'm considering Japanese snacks since they are so much tastier and he is so picky when it comes to food, download his favourite shows and put them in his thumb drive which I'll pass it to him later? That's an idea! Okay so there are 3 surprises in place: ME! (the biggest and best surprise), the snacks (shows I'm caring) and lastly the shows (shows I'm awesome!!!)

Okay today will be a productive day for me. I will bring my socio notes out too and my tutorial too? Ponder about the questions when I have the time and maybe scribble down the answers when I have the time. K!!! Awesome!!! Idea!!!!

Approximate bedtime tonight: 10.30PM. I have a feeling that I'm gonna need that early rest :/



Post-note: Read a Yahoo! article on how women rate themselves last on their priorities list when they should actually be giving themselves a little more 'me' time. Thus I've decided, that I am going to suck in my longings and do something productive today. I've got to set my sights further and work for what's best in the long run than in the short run. There has got to be some other way to let him know that I love him, something which doesn't require me to sacrifice myself nor him. I'm not saying that I am one who is unwilling to make sacrifices, just that in this instance, I think there is a better option out there waiting for me to go find it.

Isn't it odd?

Isn't it odd on how people who are trying to find themselves/figure out the way of their lives, take tons of pictures during that path/search? I remember how I used to be like that once upon a time. I used to camwhore so much.. Bestie called me a freaking CAMWHORE, and I was like "WHAT...?! WHERE GOT?" then I continued snapping pictures of myself with my camera -.-

I know right, ironical. I guess it's because this period is such an important moment of our lives that we simply want to document every single possible event, down to the second. I remember describing to Rod on how 2011 was for me and I told him that it seemed more like 12 days than 12 months. His reply, "What?! It was so good???"

Yes sir, it was!

In case any of you are wondering, dear Mr. Roderick does not have access to my blog(s). He has asked for permission but I have declined. A girl who wishes to retain her independence and cognitive ability, needs her little piece of virtual heaven. I know that giving him the access would probably be one of the better ways to taking a step towards a more intimate relationship, however I value my thoughts way too much to simply hand it over so easily. The thing that keeps me strong is also the same thing that weakens me. Hence lock it safe in a labyrinth.

Anything else added to that phrase would make it either melancholic or add a false sense of light to the darkness. I'm not saying that darkness is bad but frankly, you've gotta admit -- there is nothing bad about it either. Only those who have once walked through darkness and emerged through it bravely, are the ones who will be able to see the light and walk towards that brightness. Okay what the hell. I feel so out of place saying all of that, yet a weeny bit of awesome-ness surged through me at the same time! Woohoo!

It is only 10:48PM and my eyelids are half-shut. I am tempted to take a quick nap. Yes, you read that clearly. At this hour when I can simply sleep till the next day but no! I have work to do, because I pledged to never permit myself to feel stupid in school ever again, even if it means having dark eye-rings.

Added 3 new polishes to my collection yesterday (Number One Nemesis, Just Spotted The Lizard, Into The Night) and I will be adding 7 more this weekend! I am a happy happy HAPPY girl this week!!! (:

And I always tell him, "Besides you, I have 163 other boyfriends!"

SO MUCH LOVE!!! (:

Post-note: Re-counted my polishes.. I've got 170 of them!!! :O

Black stockings, blue shoes with green polka dots.

There was 10 minutes left before her next lecture began. Ally sat on one of the benches by the lecture theatre as she waited. She took out her lecture materials to read, before her lecturer went through them in awhile. She opened her manual, stared at the words for a minute or two before she realised that her mind was registering none of the words before her. Her mind was on him.. and the surprise lunch visit that had taken place two hours before.

"Ally!!! How could you be late for the first lecture that we had today?! You didn't even turn up for the morning run!"
"... I lost something. I was late because I was looking for it."
"Lost something??? Your concession card again?!!"
"No, not that.. But it's something very important to me.."
"Then what is it?"
"I don't wish to talk about it. I'm very upset about it already."
"Okay okay. Let's change the topic. What shall we have for lunch today? Where to to have it?"

As her friends debated on their lunch venue for the day, Ally's mind wandered away from them. The frustration which she had finally managed to suppress during the morning lectures was beginning to rise again within her. She hated it when she can't remember where she had placed her belongings, and it gets worst when she loses her possessions. While she was getting ready for school that morning, she realised that her religious beads bracelet was not at its usual place, in the accessories basket bowl. She panicked and did a quick search throughout her room but it was to of no avail. She was forced to leave her house dejected, for she was going to be late for school already. It sucked to not have her daily accessory with her. She felt uneasy, not having it with her. It was her lucky/protection/energiser charm. It felt weird to have to go through a day without it. Ally took a gulp at the words "a day".. Somehow she had an inkling that it wouldn't be just a day. She hadn't had the confidence that she would find her beads bracelet anywhere at home even if she were to turn the whole house around.

Ally dragged her feet behind her friends as they made their way towards the canteen at the Southern part of the school. She tried to focuse her attention on her surroundings as she attempted to push this morning's incident out of her head, but found herself dazing instead, thinking about her beads bracelet.

"Hey, let's find seats!" The voice of one of her friends pulled Ally out of her daze. They had arrived at the canteen and as per usual, it was packed with hungry students. Ally stood up straighter and strained her neck as she looked around for a table for her clique. Just then, her phone buzzed.

Hmmm? Why is he calling me at this hour? Shouldn't he be having his lunch too?

Ally picked up the call.

"Hello?"
"Are you going to have lunch today?"
"Nooooooo..." Ally joked.
"Why?! You better have your lunch okay!"
"Nooooooooooo!"
"EAT!"
"No no no!"
"Please..?"
"Why are you able to call me now? Shouldn't you be having your lunch break?"
"Yeah I'm having my break now."
"With Chuck?"
"Yeap."
"Where is he?"
"Somewhere else..."
"Oh.. So what are you guys having for lunch today?"
"Eh he's coming back already. I call you back later."
"Oh-k..." Ally heard a 'click' and the line went dead on the other side. She hadn't even finished her sentence yet and much less said goodbye. She shook her head and pushed the dialog and her thoughts out of her mind as she continued her search for a table.

Her phone rang again. It was Millicent this time. She answered.

"Hey darling! Where are you?"
"I found us a table. It's infront of the Western food hawker. Come here."
"Okay! On the way!"

Ally waved to the 3 other girls in her clique who were beside her and led the way towards their table. When she arrived at the table, she plowed herself down on one of the seats comfortably and looked around at the hawkers in the canteen as she decided on what she would have for lunch.

With her eyes still on the various hawkers in the canteen, she asked her friends on what they were planning to have for lunch. Then, Jess, who sat beside her at the table, patted Ally on her shoulder. Ally turned around to face Jess.

"What..?"

Ally's eyes stopped for a second on Jess, then she saw a familiar figure in a red-checkered shirt behind Jess. Chuck...?! Then her eyes wandered towards the figure standing next to Jess, who wore a familiar looking khaki-coloured jacket. Her eyes lingered there for another second before it raised to see the owner of the jacket..

"EH?!!!! What are you doing here for?!!!" Ally voiced her thought out loudly unknowingly. Her heart took a double flip! There he was. Standing right before her.

For 3 minutes, Ally thought that she had gone deaf. All the chattering and noises in the canteen had become muffled. Except for him, everything else beyond that focus had gone blur. Ally's mind was trying to register the scene before her.

Him. Here at her school. At the canteen where she was at. In front of her table. No, she is not dreaming. He is real. Everything is real. He's here!!!!!

Ally snapped out of her stunned mode and zoomed back into reality. She began re-accepting the sounds around her and heard the taunts from her friends.

"Wah!!!! Surprise leh!!"
"Ally!!! He's here!!!"
"Hahahaha!!! Ohhhh... Ally.... Tsk tsk!"

Ally didn't know what to say. She had yet to recover from the surprise. She sat there, eyes on him, still in shock. He made his way towards her, and then pushed two cards in her hands. She looked down at the cards in her hands and recognised them. They were the Buddhist cards which he had always carried around his wallet, and he treasured them a lot.

"Hey, why are you giving me these?"
"Just take it. And keep it in your wallet properly."
"But why..."
"Take it."

It was redundant asking him for a reason when Ally knew the cause behind his action — her beads bracelet. She smiled widely, like a fool.

Movie marathon!

"Would you go with me on a movie marathon, this Sunday?"

Ally pulled out two pairs of tickets. One was for 21 Jump Street, the other was for The Avengers. Both movies were what he had been looking forward to for weeks. He stared at her dumbfounded, and when he finally regained his senses, a geeky smile spread across his face and it got stuck there. In her mind, Ally could hear her
mischievous little angel giving a tiny cheer, for the intended surprise was a success!

He took the tickets from her hands, looked at them, then at her, and dug his head below, hiding them under his arms. He couldn't wipe that foolish grin off his face...

Come hell or high water

It's 1:45AM. I should either be studying or practising my song for the performance this coming Friday. Instead, I spent the last 90 minutes watching Glee and TVD on my phone. Rod wouldn't be pleased tomorrow morning when he has a tough time waking me up, nonetheless the displeasure which he will be experiencing is (I hope) never enough to get him unhappy. Annoyed.. I highly doubt so. My prediction is that he'll get a good laugh instead at my unwillingness to crawl out of my bed then at my frantic race across my room as I rush to get ready for school and not be late! He loves me, I know. (:

Like c'mon, which guy wakes up at 6:58AM every morning (because I want to be woken up at 7AM) just to wake you up?

Frankly, I would be lying if I said that I hadn't talked about 'forever' with him. In fact, I made that point clear to him on our second date. I couldn't take any risk. It's either you are on the same track with me or you are not there at all. I shared with him the research that I have done over the past 2 years. My thoughts, my analogies, my evaluations, my conclusions, my wonders, my beliefs. I had him to make a promise with me on our second date, that we would never lie to each other nor omit any truth. We talked about everything under the sky. Even more than what I have ever told Kenny. That includes the truth on the case of HJ, one which I have lied to almost everyone of you who has the privilege of reading this blog. I guess my pride just couldn't lower itself for you dears. Awww...

I'm sorry for the lies I have told. Please try to understand the importance of a person's dignity. You are allowed to not forgive me, but I know you love me all the same. I love you too (:

I had absolutely no intention of ever mentioning HJ infront of Rod. It was that one night when my mom pushed me over the edge with a comment that she made, one which I took as a threat and as far as most of you know, I hate threats. I go berserk if anyone were to ever threaten me or make me feel uneasy. I'm not sorry for having a strong character. Anyway, we were sitting in a park at my area. It was late. My mom called (again). I refused to answer it. The next thing I knew, I was blurting everything out to Rod. From my fear for my parents to the bad history that I have with them. I told him how everything everyone sees that goes on in my family, is merely a facade in my opinion. One which I must put up with everyday, for they are my family. I live with them, I see them everyday, I eat with them, I meet them everyday. I have to find a way to move around the borders because life goes on irregardlessly. I cried before him, my make-up got washed away by my tears. I spilled out all the secrets that I have hidden deep down under in my heart. He didn't judge me like how Kenny would have. He didn't feel uneasy. He didn't twitch. His brows were knitted, not because I was a difficult girl, but rather because I was unhappy. He teared along with me. He held me tighter in his arms. He kissed my sweaty forehead and then my tear-stricken face. He smelled my hair and said that I still smell like flowers after I joked saying how I must stink now from not having showered for more than 24 hours.

I don't have to be perfect in front of Rod. I don't have to be a doll. I don't have to be an angel. He has seen me when I'm rude (unintentionally) to my parents and ticked me off for it. He has heard me swear and said in a mocking tone, "Aren't you the one who is suppose to be my role model and not swear?". He tells his close buddy that I am his priority. His favourite question is "So... when are we meeting again?", one that never fails to crack me up. He comes to my school to have lunch with me, and when I ask him to photocopy a paper for me (which I need for my Psychology project), he does it HAPPILY, WILLINGLY, WITH PRIDE, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, TREATS IT AS THOUGH MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT. Honestly, it is just a paper, and what's more when I asked him to do it, there was a photocopy shop just behind us. It wouldn't cost more than 30-cents (max?) to get it done. Yet he took my book over and in a cheery tone, he took up the favour.

I'm so sorry for having to be such a bitch by comparing BUT!!!! like how we were taught since we started learning Science in Primary 3, you will never know the DIFFERENCES until you COMPARE. While I was writing that chunk above, I was already comparing him and Kenny in my head. Kenny's reaction and facial expression, his tone and words and hostility. His pride and superiority. His insane requirement to put me down, make me feel inferior, and have him placed high above me, worshipping him as though he was a God. You know something, I should have said this long ago but I couldn't because I wasn't able to muster this feeling from deep within my heart however I can do so now, I AM SO GLAD THAT HE IS GONE. Before Rod, I threw away Kenny's belongings and his belated present which I never got around to complete and much less give to him. Rod had an extremely fun time cutting up and tearing up the towels. We decided to keep the big towel because I only embroidered a 'K' on it (which I de-stitched on the spot) and use it as a beach mat. I know you think that this is probably the worst thing that any girlfriend should ever do to her boyfriend, but hey what the hell, before he becomes my boyfriend, he has to be my best friend and best friends go through such shit together. Come hell or high water, we'll go through it together steadfastly.

"I want a relationship where we talk like best friends, play like kids, argue like husband and wife, and protect each other like siblings."

I am not afraid to say what's on my mind in front of him. No one likes unhappiness, but how would you know that it is unhappiness that you'll face before you even attempt to step on that path? The more you choose your words, the more you will hide things and eventually secrets build up, walls start coming up and distance tears the relationship apart.

Yes, there are people out there who are greater than him. They can be more attractive, more intelligent, more caring and more fortunate. But that's life - full of temptations. I am not and will not be deceived by them. I am contended with what I have and that is Rod. Because I know that there are also people who are greater than me out there, and yet he chose me.

***

Alright, I am done on my evaluation on the current progress of my relationship. I have yet to do what I should have done which is to practise for my performance on Friday, and yknow what? I'm tired and sleepy. My eyelids are heavy. I will simply turn in for tonight and wake up before Rod wakes me up tomorrow morning and finish up what needs to be done. SCHOOL IS CRAZY. I kind of expected that in a way, it's just that I didn't imagine for things to be so insane and heavy-loaded. Nonetheless, work will come to a pause after this week, for my tutees' MYEs would have ended and thus the arrival of their June vacation. I can't wait for mine. 2 weeks, mid-June. BOOK ME NOW IF YOU WISH FOR ME TO ALLOCATE SOME TIME FOR YOU MY JUNE BREAK!!!! I've got a shitting lot of people to meet and somehow the list just keeps increasing. I swear that it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm attached now. I blame it all on school and work. I know better now to make an effort to continue upholding my social life despite my relationship. A girl has to ALWAYS have her friends and her freedom.

Boyfriend

"If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go. I can take you places you ain't never been before. Baby, take a chance or you’ll never ever know. I got money in my hands that I’d really like to blow, swag, swag, swag, on you. Chilling by the fire while we eating fondue, I don't know about me but I know about you.So say hello to falsetto in three, two, swag. I’d like to be everything you want. Hey girl, let me talk to you..If I was your boyfriend, never let you go, keep you on my arm girl, you’d never be alone. I can be a gentleman, anything you want. If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go, I’d never let you go.."

As Ally walked home from the train station, that section of the song which he sang to her, was stuck in her head and it kept going round and round her mind. He spent his Saturday at her place. He brought his guitar over and some work to do while she studied. They played his guitar and sang some songs when they got bored of doing their work, had dinner with her parents, talked a little and downloaded their favourite shows. Time flew and soon, it was 11pm. Ally could remember the scene as though it happened just a minute ago. She hadn't preserved it deliberately. Somehow, it just got stuck there..

There he sat on her bed, with his guitar in his lap. Ally sat on her chair, her nail clipper in one hand, his hand in another. She clipped at his nails carefully. When she was done with that, she took out her cuticle cream and rubbed them at the sides of his nails. He stared at her intently as she worked her way around his fingers, giving an occasional response when she nagged him to drop his bad habit of biting his nails. Ally finished rubbing the cream on his last finger, checked her phone for the timing and realised that it was time for him to leave her place for home, or he would miss the last bus back. While she kept her nail clipper and her cuticle cream, with her back facing towards him, she nagged him to keep his things and prepare to leave. When she turned around, he was still there, sitting on her bed, with his guitar in his lap.

"What are you doing? Pack up your guitar. You're going to be late!"
"Let me sing you one more song. Just one more song."
"But then..."
"One more song, please..?"
"Okay okay.."

Ally was anxious. She didn't want him to have to take a cab home again.He strummed a couple of shaky chords on his guitar. Stopped and fidgeted a little. Grabbed his phone, tapped on the guitar application, looked up a song, and then hurriedly put his phone away before she could see more of what he was doing. He took a deep breath, looked at her, then at his guitar and he started playing.

As he sang, Ally looked at him dumbfounded. She knew that she was smiling like a fool but she could not resist it. It was not a smile that she could fight to suppress. In her mind, she couldn't deny that the lyrics were mushy, yet incredibly sweet. She made a mental note to tell him that at the end of the song. His voice faded gradually as he came to the end of the lyrics and he strummed the last few keys to the song. As he was singing, he looked at her a couple of times, and then turned away out of shyness. Now he looked at her, while she still had that silly wide smile on her face.

"So.. would be my girlfriend?"
"HUH?" Ally thought that she had heard wrongly. She stared at him in shock. As obvious as the song was, Ally hadn't given a single thought to it as he sang. She assumed that it was just another one of his ways of doting on her. She was very much, surprised.
"Would you be my girlfriend?" He could no longer hold the look between them. He looked down at his guitar. She could see that he was nervous, yet he was smiling. She raised her hands and cupped his face in them. She leaned forward such that her face was only an inch away from his.
She whispered softly. "Look at me."
He raised his head and did as told.
"Yes.. A million times, yes." He smiled widely.
And they sealed the official start of their relationship with a kiss.

Mental break? I think I'm breaking.

Tweeting a lot more than usual today. I guess it's because I'm having difficulty keeping everything in me, thus twitter has become my avenue for letting things out. I know that it'll garner a lot of attention which is not what I hope for (I guess) thus I really need to exert a little more control over myself.

I'm (obviously) blogging excessively. This mental break is truly testing my limits and in a way, helping me to realise what is it that I'm looking for and wanting.

I really really miss him. So tempted to meet him impromptu today after my school, to push forward my planned surprise on Friday to today, but no, I shan't. SELF-CONTROL. I can hear his voice in my head now, taunting me, "Give in to your temptation, give in to me.. I miss you too, come find me. I'll shower you with hugs, kisses and love. Come come come!" It doesn't help that it encourages me to put on my childish front, stomp my foot and whine endlessly till my demands are met.

Day 1: breathe, let everything in, feel it thoroughly, don't bother evaluating.

Day 2: breathe still, block everything out, occupy yourself all the time, start your evaluation when night falls

Day 3: pace your breathing, let in your feelings and balance it out with your thoughts.

I know I'm feeling much better now, less suffocated and definitely breathing. I miss him terribly and I couldn't resist texting him. This is my problem — I listen too much to my heart and too little to my brain. It's time I apply LOA, keep the desired end in mind and shut down every other thought.

Do I not have faith in him? In us? Is that why I can't hold onto the mental break? Or that I can't stay away from him? Neither sounds good. I want fries, I want potato. I'm so tired now, I need a nap.

Superman, tell me, what should my next step be..?

(whispers) hey you, good morning

It's been a long time since I've felt like I'm wandering around aimlessly, without a soul. Just pulling myself to get through the activities that is required to be completed for the day.

All that I want right now is to stay cooped up at home, burying into my books, forgetting the world out there. Not being out in the world that I don't wish to be in at this very moment, taking the train on my way to school, where I have to put on a false front (my Barbie face) and act as if my world is filled only with warm sunshine, gorgeous unicorns and pretty rainbows.

Right now, what's in my world is the sun, the clouds — some dark and clustered, some white and puffy, a sky that changes colour every once in awhile, trees that open its leaves in the morning and closes in the evening, flowers that blooms and withers, rain that pours unexpectedly (and hell, does it never rain when it is suppose to!) and most importantly, humans. The last form of evolution, the top of the food chain, the most advanced creatures in the world, the Aces in this universe. Unpredictable intelligent beings. Great, I'm making us sound like aliens. *rolls eyes*

“Alright I'll be waiting. Sorry if I disturbed you.”

It's killing me to NOT reply him: "Oh no, you're not disturbing me. Continue texting me, PLEASE." I miss him terribly, but I know the importance of this space that I asked for. Leap pass this river and you'll be rewarded. Don't leap pass it, and you are bound for doom, drowning in the fast-flowing current of the river, getting sucked right under, never being able to surface for another gasp of air. Yes I sound dramatic and very possibly an extreme exaggeration of the situation, but that's just how I perceive things. Everyone is entitled to their own individual perception, yes?

All I took was a quick glance of his text for I was on the train and there was an immediate need for me to reply Shimin's text, yet it got stuck in my mind whereas I can't remember a single word in Shimin's text. Oh the irony of things!

Breather

“I know you think I'm good with words, however when it comes to words used in relation to my emotions, I'm a complete mess. And right now, I'm a mess.

Rod.. When I said breather, what I meant is that.. I'll need a couple of days, alone. I need some time and space to figure out some things. The only word I have as to what 'things' they might be, would be "emotions".

I know I love you. And frankly, I'm missing you already. The next few days without you will be tough to get by for you have become a part of my life over this period of time. I have to do this because I need to look for the answers to questions that I do not know of. Yes I know it sounds strange and weird and it definitely makes no sense, how does a person find answers when she doesn't even know what the question is. Nonetheless, this is a route which I must go down. I need to look for that missing puzzle piece that will put everything right.

Please don't do anything reckless over the next few days. Don't smoke, don't drink, take care of yourself. If you're hungry, EAT. Don't skip your classes (you have school today, remember to bring the right books, grab dinner before you go for your classes, please try to not be late!), don't swear so much, remember to study, try to be punctual for work (although I know that you've never been caught but I rather you not risk it)

You have my word that I'll be back. Wait for me. I'm still holding onto that dream we made at the 'Lake Of Dreams'. I just need to clear my head and sort out some stuff.

Read the book daily. Believe that I'll be back by your side, and before you know it, I'm back and you'll be waking up at 6:55am everyday because of me. (:

Serf says that I'm being silly for worrying that you'll feel hurt. She thinks that all you'll do kiss and hug me, kick up a fuss because you'll be missing me a lot, but you'll understand. I hope she's right because I feel extremely guilty for doing this.

사랑해요. Wait for me.”

Superman, I need you now more than ever. Give me strength and faith, and guide me down this road that I can't make clear of. I have a vision in my head, and that is what's waiting for me at the end of this road. Him with a bouquet of white roses, and hopefully in a new shirt too (he really needs to go shopping), a tub of Geláre Ccokies & Cream, and also the big gorgeous smile on his face. My heart will race when I see him, I'd have that goofy silly look on my face again and stare at him on and on, possibly without ever blinking, and he'd try to avert my eyes because he says he is shy and can't hold onto my look, however he can't resist looking at me and so he'd be battling with his shyness and his desire to fill his eyes, his mind and his heart with solely me.

No forever-route is easy to take. There is lots of growing, nurturing, learning and loving to be done.

I once said before, I'll never break a promise and so I shan't. On our first date, where I confirmed my feelings for him, I made a promise that day to never fail him, never give up on him nor on us, to give him my best and all, and to walk down the path of forever with him.

Breathe, think, feel, be grateful, smile and truly live. I'll find what I'm looking for, then I'll reach the land of unicorns and rainbows. Smile girl, smile. For now you'll feel numb, but at the end of this journey, you know it too that you'll be smiling from the deepest end of your heart as you feel happiness and joy bursting through every seam and every stitch.

Everything will be fine.

Stupid Vuze

Vuze is eating up all the internet on my laptop just to download my 3 shows, and so I can't surf the net because the web page will either fail to load or lag until it fails. Using my handy iPhone now to blog. So glad that I have this darling (:

I was hoping so much for a nice session with my keyboard on blogger. I know how crazy I can get when I'm filled to the brim with emotions and need a gantry to let them all out. Oh well, I guess this will have to do for now.

So here goes. The top few irritations/concerns of my life ATM:

1. MY MOM

I got woken up by her this morning, telling me that I have to take down my photos with Roderick on FB because she doesn't want anybody to know that I've got someone new. I'm like "What...?" I can get where she is coming from, since like always, hers and my dad's reputation is far more important my freedom to my own rights. Or perhaps I will just be more precise and explain what she is doing with just a single word "MANIPULATIVE".

For now, I've restricted her, my aunt's and uncle from viewing all the contents of my fb page like my 'friends'. (I just find it so weird to associate people whom I hardly know with that term)

Frankly I don't quite like those photos being published on fb. It's far too soon. And my mother's outcry simply makes matters worst. I'm contemplating now on whether I should or should not do something (more) about it. I'm afraid that if I do, it'll hurt Roderick and Chuck (since he was the one who uploaded those photos) This is a tough decision to make.

2. To tell Rod or to deal with this on my own

Is this considered to be my own problem or his? Because in a way, he's affected as well. Then again it's not like I am incapable of dealing this on my own. I've single-handedly dealt with far worst matters and have managed to solve them and get over them.

I'm not reliant on him. Not that much at least. After the past 2 years, I've learnt to take matters in my own stride and stand on my own two feet. Just because I have someone, it doesn't mean that I have to always lean on him and be all weak. Yes I may be weak at times, but I certainly am not now. If I can't be strong for myself, then who can I be strong for? I have a good strong steady supportive backbone for a reason, and I will utilise it to its maximum.

In case you're wondering, why not tell him everything? That's what things should be like between a couple who has decided to take the plunge and never look back. Well it's because of what we've decided, and so it's even more so important for me to able to deal with things on my own. It's nice to rely on someone but it's even nicer to rely on yourself. The sense of satisfaction and awarded dignity is something that no one can give not steal away from.

I'm a person with strong character and my level of independence, is another reason on why I am still learning on how I should go about adjusting Rod into my life. I don't wanna make the same mistake twice. Keep my independence, retain my freedom.

If I can be strong enough to not have to depend on others to enjoy life before I met him, then I can very well be strong enough to enjoy life without depending on him or anyone still.

“A woman should know how to look like a girl, act like a lady, and think like a man.”

I haven't been thinking like a man ever since I met Rod. I guess it's because he's been doing the side of manly thoughts and so I became lazy and never bothered to push myself any further from the thoughts I naturally possess as a lady. K that will not do.

I need to constantly ask myself, "Who am I?" so as to continue in my fight to be myself, retain myself and not lose myself. Fighting!!!

3. I'M NOT ARROGANT, YOU FUCKER

Okay I read the text msg that Rod's friend sent him after his friend met me. It was his opinion on me. It's enough that I have to lie to Rod right in his face that it doesn't get to me when it definitely and obviously does. (I didn't want to make things hard for Rod. Getting in between your guy and his friend isn't the wisest thing to do and it's not admirable at all)

His friend cleverly sandwiched his criticism in between two VERY thick slices of compliments. It began somewhere along the line of “I think she is nice, but the way she talks I think it's arrogant, then again it might just be because I don't know her well enough.”

Like stfu fucker. You already said that you don't know me well enough so who are you to pass such comments on me? Seriously, screw you. And it isn't arrogance. My daddy taught me to have faith in myself, in what I say, what I do and what I think. And honestly I think you are just one big useless scumbag, with a head full of potatoes. If it wasn't because of Rod, I would have scratched your name off my list already. Trust me when I say that the only thing that proves your name is still there is the slight remnants of my pen markings which I have deliberately left behind, as a means to show that you are there but not really there. Don't you push me over the edge bitch. I'm more destructive than you can ever imagine a girl to be. *wields the power of LOA in my hands and gives an evil sneer*

K wtf so lame. But you can't deny that the image which formed in your head was ultra cool. HEE!!!

4. Money issues

I guess I'm rather thankful that I'm not a young girl who is still in her youthful teens, incapable of working and very much reliant on her parents to support her. Also, Rod is earning an income of his own, so we are less guilty than other couples out there who have to go on dates by using their parents' money?

Nonetheless the June Holidays are arriving, ie. no income for me. I hate to dig into my savings account because what's in there should stay in there and never come out. It already sucked that I had to spend close to a 100 bucks on cosmetics yesterday, just because a certain someone gave me 2 unexpected hickeys and I had to hurriedly get make-up products to cover them up before we went back to my place to have dinner with my parents.

I hate feeling.. broke. I have to worry about my singing classes because they are so damn expensive and I don't know how to afford them next month. I can't not go out on dates with Rod next month because it is an absolutely stupid and ridiculous idea, and I doubt he'll approve of it. I hate having to stretch my hands out and ask my parents for money (blame my ego for that!) and neither do I wish to rely on Rod's NS pay to get us by the next month. I've got to think of something. Probably get a temporary job for a month? That seems like an idea. Afterall my school vacations are coming up soon as well, albeit school just started not long ago.

There will always be solutions to problems, so long as we have the guts to outrightly face them, deal with them and get over them. I CAN DO IT!!!! Fighting!!!

K bad news: I just checked my school calendar. My June holidays are only for a week, and it's during mid-June. Ok I need to think of something, figure out something, solve this goddamn thing!!! BREATHE. Everything. Will. Be. Fine.

Keep your problems to yourself. There is always a way out. There will always be. Think positive, keep the desired outcome in your head, and LOA will provide you with a path and lead the way.

***

I'm gonna go take a short nap now then wake up and dive into my books. I really need a recap on my life ambitions, goals and aims. That reminder should shake me up a little and get me back on the right track of life where I should be at.