It's currently 00:11, I turned in early tonight/last night. Anyway, yeah I had a dream, which was kinda freaky because it seemed a little like inception. If it wasn't for the fact that I knew that what we dream of mostly comes from what we think about in the daytime or before we sleep, I would have honestly thought that they were events that would be coming true in the future.
Firstly, I guess I can finally truly say that my heart has healed. It no longer feels.. broken, shattered nor torn. It finally feels like a whole again. I'm glad that it has finally gotten better. I swear that I'm gonna be smart and wise this time round and protect it properly!!! Heart, 사랑해요!!! *Muacks muacks muacks!*
Secondly, my inception-like dream. I seriously had a dream in a dream in a dream k!!! I was like "woah!" when I woke up due to my daily 00:00 alarm and thought back about what I was dreaming of. This is what happened: I was in my second dream (I think) and I was thinking about my third dream and another dream that I had in the past. I dreamt that I had somehow gotten Gwen's Blackberry (note: I think she uses an iPhone la!!! Don't even know why I fell for that dream! Must be because I was too deep in my dreams.. Usually if it was my first dream, I would have a better grasp of my senses and logic and pull out of the dream instantaneously) and it had her pictures taken with 6H and with him. I was cursing through my teeth and making pfft-ing noises with my tongue, as I deleted her photos and tried to insert apps which I liked, he came into my mind. (second note: the blackberry that I held in my hands in my dream had a metal dashboard and it's damn stupid because I know that blackberry doesn't use metal for it and, I COULD EVEN SEE THAT IT WAS SILVER!!!! I swear I'm damn stupid!) Then thought about my upcoming future of being a superstar, then I was suddenly striked by the thought of how he had called and texted me last time, saying how he still loved me and has intentions to be with me again if possible.. Then I got stumped. (note: Everything that he has supposedly done ie. the calling/texting/ILU, is being dreamt up by me. They aren't real. Yes I know my dreams are insane. Which is why I said that my mind is awesome, it can recall past dreams while I'm dreaming. Wow.) What was I going to do about him? How can I leave him? What about him? As I pondered about that in my dream, I heard the sound of a harp in the distance, I recognised it as my daily 00:00 alarm and pulled out of all my dreams immediately... and yeah. I woke up.
What I'm trying to say here is: If my interpretation of my heart, my thoughts and my dreams are correct, I think I've finally forgiven him for what he has did. 2 years ago, I told him that I have already forgiven him when I actually hadn't, I mean how could anyone forgive their boyfriend/girlfriend for cheating on them so quickly! To have done such an incorrigible and immoral thing, is already an outrageous act! I did that because 1) I didn't want to lose him. 2) I couldn't find a hint of anger... Not that it wasn't there, it was there but not in the form of fury but rather anguish. I couldn't recognise that sort of anger so I misinterpreted it as not being mad and not hating him. Yes, I hated him, thoroughly. But I don't anymore. After such a long time, the hatred I had for him melted a little and all that I think of were the good times with him.
This reminds me of a song that I heard in the korean drama series "Dream High".
I have been blocking him out of my mind, controlling my thoughts precariously as I know the logic 'thoughts become things'. What I hadn't know was, albeit I was forcing myself to not think about him consciously, I was thinking about him subconsciously. I hadn't realise that till tonight, when this happened. I started thinking back, why am I dreaming about him? I didn't think about him before I slept and I definitely didn't think about him in the daytime... or did I?
As sensibility started creeping in, I began reproaching myself for having been so silly and frankly, I wondered why was I so surprisingly ready to murder my own heart again after it had at long last healed? I don't think I would want to answer that question.
Fret not, I haven't relapsed (seriously, what a word?!) and am well aware that dreams are dreams. I wouldn't go back on my word as my passion stands in the way. As like what I told one of you, I had often wondered why is it that I had to spend a decade of my life on him, and it was until recently that I had acquired the answer. A person who hasn't loved before cannot sing.
In hindsight, I'm just very glad that my heart has finally healed and I have forgiven him. That's all. (:
Firstly, I guess I can finally truly say that my heart has healed. It no longer feels.. broken, shattered nor torn. It finally feels like a whole again. I'm glad that it has finally gotten better. I swear that I'm gonna be smart and wise this time round and protect it properly!!! Heart, 사랑해요!!! *Muacks muacks muacks!*
Secondly, my inception-like dream. I seriously had a dream in a dream in a dream k!!! I was like "woah!" when I woke up due to my daily 00:00 alarm and thought back about what I was dreaming of. This is what happened: I was in my second dream (I think) and I was thinking about my third dream and another dream that I had in the past. I dreamt that I had somehow gotten Gwen's Blackberry (note: I think she uses an iPhone la!!! Don't even know why I fell for that dream! Must be because I was too deep in my dreams.. Usually if it was my first dream, I would have a better grasp of my senses and logic and pull out of the dream instantaneously) and it had her pictures taken with 6H and with him. I was cursing through my teeth and making pfft-ing noises with my tongue, as I deleted her photos and tried to insert apps which I liked, he came into my mind. (second note: the blackberry that I held in my hands in my dream had a metal dashboard and it's damn stupid because I know that blackberry doesn't use metal for it and, I COULD EVEN SEE THAT IT WAS SILVER!!!! I swear I'm damn stupid!) Then thought about my upcoming future of being a superstar, then I was suddenly striked by the thought of how he had called and texted me last time, saying how he still loved me and has intentions to be with me again if possible.. Then I got stumped. (note: Everything that he has supposedly done ie. the calling/texting/ILU, is being dreamt up by me. They aren't real. Yes I know my dreams are insane. Which is why I said that my mind is awesome, it can recall past dreams while I'm dreaming. Wow.) What was I going to do about him? How can I leave him? What about him? As I pondered about that in my dream, I heard the sound of a harp in the distance, I recognised it as my daily 00:00 alarm and pulled out of all my dreams immediately... and yeah. I woke up.
What I'm trying to say here is: If my interpretation of my heart, my thoughts and my dreams are correct, I think I've finally forgiven him for what he has did. 2 years ago, I told him that I have already forgiven him when I actually hadn't, I mean how could anyone forgive their boyfriend/girlfriend for cheating on them so quickly! To have done such an incorrigible and immoral thing, is already an outrageous act! I did that because 1) I didn't want to lose him. 2) I couldn't find a hint of anger... Not that it wasn't there, it was there but not in the form of fury but rather anguish. I couldn't recognise that sort of anger so I misinterpreted it as not being mad and not hating him. Yes, I hated him, thoroughly. But I don't anymore. After such a long time, the hatred I had for him melted a little and all that I think of were the good times with him.
This reminds me of a song that I heard in the korean drama series "Dream High".
Taecyeon & Nichkhun (2PM) feat. JYP: My Valentine
한국어 (Hangul)
Honey you’re my Valentine
언제까지나 너는 나의 사랑
Honey you’re my Valentine
너는 날 떠났지만 그래도 내 사랑
이제는 널 생각해도 아프지가 않아
너를 미워했던 감정들이 조금씩 녹아
좋았었던 기억들만 다시 생각이 나
더 이상 니가 밉지 않아
(함께 했던 시간들이) 너무나 꿈같아)
(다시는 오지 않겠지) 니가 아니면
난 몰랐을거야. 정말 몰랐을거야.
그래서 너에게 고마워
Honey you’re my Valentine
언제까지나 너는 나의 사랑
Honey you’re my Valentine
너는 날 떠났지만 그래도 내 사랑
니가 첨 떠났을 때 정말 너무 아팠어
너무 아파 니가 미웠지만
시간이 갈수록 상처는 아물고 추억들은 커져
조금씩 미소를 찾게 됐어, Oh Yeah
(함께 했던 시간들이) 이제는 소중해
(다시는 오지 않겠지) 너 때문에
나는 느껴본거야 사랑이 무언지
그래서 너에게 고마워
Honey you’re my Valentine
언제까지나 너는 나의 사랑
Honey you’re my Valentine
너는 날 떠났지만 그래도 내 사랑
울며 널 붙잡는 나를 버리고 떠났던 니 모습
멀어져 가던 뒷모습
바라보면서 과연 습관처럼 베어버린 널 지울 수 있을까
난 언젠가 너를 떠올려도 웃을 수 있을까,
그땐 자신이 없었어, 니가 너무나 미웠어.
하지만 시간이 지나니 생각이 조금씩 바꼈어.
이제 미소를 지으면서
I’m thinkin’ about you all the time
and I realized that you will always be my valentine
Honey you’re my Valentine
언제까지나 너는 나의 사랑
Honey you’re my Valentine
너는 날 떠났지만 그래도 내 사랑
Honey you’re my Valentine
언제까지나 너는 나의 사랑
Honey you’re my Valentine
너는 날 떠났지만 그래도 내 사랑
English
Honey you are my valentine
You’re my love forever
Honey you are my valentine
You’re still my love even if you’ve left me
It doesn’t hurt anymore when I think of you
The hatred towards you melted a little bit
I think only about nice memories
I don’t hate you anymore
The time we’ve spent together feels like a dream
They’re not coming back, right?
If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t know, I really wouldn’t know
So thank you
Honey you are my valentine
You’re my love forever
Honey you are my valentine
You’re still my love even if you’ve left me
I was really hurt when you left me
I was hurt, and I hated you, but as the time goes by
The wound heals and the memories grow bigger
And I’m able to smile again
The time we’ve spent together
It won’t come back in the same precious way, right?
Because of you I was able to feel what love is
So I thank you
Honey you are my valentine
You’re my love forever
Honey you are my valentine
You’re still my love even if you’ve left me
I cried trying to stop you,
watching you leave me
You were like a habit,
like a painful cut,
will I be able to erase you?
Will I be able to smile again when I see you?
Back then I wasn’t confident enough
I hate you, but as the time went by my thoughts have changed
I’m thinkin’ about you all the time
I realized that you’ll always be my valentine
Honey you are my valentine
You’re my love forever
Honey you are my valentine
You're still my love even if you've left me
I have been blocking him out of my mind, controlling my thoughts precariously as I know the logic 'thoughts become things'. What I hadn't know was, albeit I was forcing myself to not think about him consciously, I was thinking about him subconsciously. I hadn't realise that till tonight, when this happened. I started thinking back, why am I dreaming about him? I didn't think about him before I slept and I definitely didn't think about him in the daytime... or did I?
As sensibility started creeping in, I began reproaching myself for having been so silly and frankly, I wondered why was I so surprisingly ready to murder my own heart again after it had at long last healed? I don't think I would want to answer that question.
Fret not, I haven't relapsed (seriously, what a word?!) and am well aware that dreams are dreams. I wouldn't go back on my word as my passion stands in the way. As like what I told one of you, I had often wondered why is it that I had to spend a decade of my life on him, and it was until recently that I had acquired the answer. A person who hasn't loved before cannot sing.
In hindsight, I'm just very glad that my heart has finally healed and I have forgiven him. That's all. (:
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