Never expect others to have the qualities that you possess

Everyone knows, life is hard. Sometimes you do the wrong things, sometimes you say the wrong things... And these things just screw things up, most importantly it screws you up inside. I wouldn't say that I said some wrong things because frankly I've been yearning to tell her that although she's being just her, she can't be so (pardon my choice of words here) stupidly straightforward. I was a tad annoyed at her for adding fuel to the fire when I was already in a not-decent mood, and when she added even more fuel when I kinda already hinted that I'm not exactly receptive to any negative comments made about my friend, I exploded. I suppose it's the insensitivity and wrong choice of action that had me flared up. The only thing I regretted was having to say those mean stuff and to hurt her feelings (well I'm assuming that it did).

I've said before many times: I'm not one for arguments. If I had a choice, I would rather stand down and concede defeat to the battle. I guess I stood down a little too late this time. Should I have been in a better mood, no matter how much her words, I would probably have taken lots and lots of deep breath and just try my best to get over it, which mostly works unless I'm already in a bad mood and when I'm further agitated, my timer goes off like how it is for all bombs.

I don't know whether she actually thought through her words thoroughly before saying them out since I would truly love to give her the benefit of doubt that she did and she was simply trying to do what a best friend is suppose to do which is to be really frank no matter how bad the situation is. Okay yes, some of you might say that I'm bullshitting because frankly such words are too polite to be true but I suppose it's the logic behind these words which calls for their existence to begin with. Then again, I'm the kind of person who would find all sorts of reasons to forgive people (in general, with some exceptions here and there).

Having gone through this bad argument with her, I learnt a couple of things:

1. When a person says sorry to you in less than 24 hours since the fight, it sometimes isn't because he regrets what he has said or that he has realised his mistake of having said it in a fit, but rather it is because he knows that life is short and anything can happen any moment. So instead of being mad at someone, no matter how mediocre or serious the situation is, forgiving is the appropriate choice of action. Also, it is because he cares for you and you mean something to him, which is why he rather spend the next minute laughing with you rather than having this stupid argument that you'll regret wasting so much time on 10 years down the road (that is, if you even survive that 10 years).

2. Never expect others to have the qualities you have.

3. No matter how much it sucks to have to do this, MOVE ON. You've already done your part of the relationship, have shown how much you cherish it and wish to work things out. If the other party fails to even see through the simple point that there is nothing more important in life than being happy, then I'm afraid the truth is right there sticking in your face: your relationship is unbelievably pathetically weak. That person has no intention to take a role and be in your life. There isn't a thing in life that cannot be worked out. However for that to happen, it takes all the individuals involved just like how it takes two hands to clap. I don't believe in shit like how stingy a person can be, how calculative a person can be, how petty a person can be, if you're seriously any of that then well my dear friend, I'm afraid you are on the 'bad' list. Please do not rejoice. It isn't something good. Like not any bit of it is good at all. It is only good when you do something to CORRECT it. Then again, who am I to say any of these? I'm just a young chick who has barely even lived past 2 decades of her life.

4. Stand straight, stand tall, stand firm, for whatever that you've done. Opportunities only come knocking once in awhile. As much as you cherish someone else, think: does the person cherish you in the same way as well? If the person does, then why the hell did the question go around twice in your head and you are so absorbed in whatever that I've written!

5. "Good things have to go, to make way for better things to come in." If that person thinks that he is just good and not better, be smart and let him go. Oh and, you might wanna add a little bit of sympathy for him — it's ultimately your call but highly recommended.

Okay I kind of digressed a little there. My eyes were opened with regards to another issue after having gone through this, and I finally know that well.. life has to go on.

In my opinion, no matter how you truthful you were trying to be, I still feel that you've said something wrongly. It is acceptable, but it was not the appropriate thing to say. Like what I said before, you are my best friend and even if you still can't see pass all the time wasted on this, you will still always be my best friend because from the bottom of my heart, I genuinely care for you. And I know that you probably do too, or you wouldn't have even replied me and said all that nasty shit, even though your hunger might have an influence to it. I hate arguments. And I hate losing my friends. So I'm hoping that I wouldn't have to walk down the darker path without you, but rather the brighter one with rainbows and unicorns with you.

Gosh, I sound so damn cheesy.

我知道

我知道自己不能恋爱，因为我欠自己的已经太多了。不是不可以，而是根本不能。要是我再一次陷入那个坑里，那就代表我根本没从教训中学到任何事。

我恨彷徨，因为我不知这样做是否是对还是错。但，再仔细地想了一下，要是我与他有缘，那么我们必定会再次相遇。“缘分”二字大家都懂。有缘而遇，无缘而去。世上的每件事都讲缘分，因为无事永远。缘分尽了便需道别，这是无法逃避的。所以我该先以我为中心点，为自己而努力，发奋图强，以我为荣。

如是我闻，世上无敌人，无爱人，无陌生人。今世是敌人，前世却是爱人。他今世害你，前世却爱你。今世是爱人，前世是敌人。他今世爱你，前世却害你。今世是陌生人，前世是敌人或爱人。他今世没害也没爱你，前世却爱你爱到死去活来，害你害到无法形容。因此世上的每个人都是平等的。所以世上无特别人也无普通人，大家都是平等的。因此没人该得特别待遇，统统都的爱。缘分奇妙，因缘更奇妙。

无人受苦，每人快乐。

I need no shitting prince and I'm fucking PERFECT

I'm a pussy. A shitting pussy. All that I've been doing is to whine and sob. Like some pathetic nutcase. Okay wait, I am a nutcase. But I aren't pathetic. I'm going to start from ground zero again. I can start from ground zero a million times, because I know that one day I'm gonna be up there flying high, like a G6.

I'M NOT DRUNK. I'm fully sober at this very moment (which is 2:59PM), and... Shit. 1 more minute till I'm late for my next class. Fuck. Got to go.

P.S. I love my newfound privacy. Fuck you stalking bitches.
P.S.S. I'm not lady-like. I curse, I say 'FUCK'. ACCEPT IT BASTARD.

Teach me how to let go

"Yeah, well... some people hang on when they should just let go."
I've been watching a lot of movies lately. It ranges from animations to action-packed movies, romance to comedies. That line quoted above, it came from "Raise Your Voice". I felt so undignified when I heard it. You don't just let go of someone with a snap of your fingers. Even if you want to, the thing is.. can you? Do you know how to let go of someone? Can someone even explain or elaborate to me how it is to let go of someone? Give me a manual, give me a guidebook, or even give me a textbook. I'll really read it, follow it, and do it. All that I've heard from everyone is, you'll let go as time passes by. Yeah well, trust me when I say that I wish that that is happening, the thing is... IT ISN'T.

You know what I see happening around? People forcing themselves to date others, people jumping into relationships, people making foolish decisions, people doing stupid things, people breaking other's heart... just so as to 'let go'. Seriously, is that what letting go is? Because if it is, then I'm never doing it. I'd rather never let go. I'm not gonna go around and break someone else's heart deliberately so as to pretentiously 'heal'. And I'm not going to let someone be a knight in shining armour and rescue the damsel in distress. It's stupid. All the fancy talk about saving someone, being saved by someone, forcing the person to go away or should I say, hurting someone just because you don't wish to drag him down with you. Let's face the truth here: You're just selfish. You don't wish to get hurt. You want to stop feeling pain. You chose yourself. Hey! Nothing wrong with that yo! You're being totally honest to yourself and to the whole wide world so what can anyone say shit about you? The only moment that they can is when you are lying to yourself. It's even worst than lying to the world because trust me, no one gives a fuck about you lying. Your words just go in through their right ear and come out from their left ear. What affects them is their pity for you as they see you not even realising that you are deceiving yourself.

For all I care, you can say that I'm lunatic. And I'll admit it, I'm drunk now. What's the big fuck about it? It's just liquor. It's just alcohol. I'll probably feel completely stupid when I wake up later on in the day and realised that I've typed this whole random chunk of crap but hey, I've never felt better letting all of these words out. You are as big as a liar as he was. Lying to me right in my face when I confronted him about you and her. Double the back-stab. FML. With each interrogation I forced upon him, I get a little bit of truth. And each little bit of that truth was akin to taking another stab to my heart. No, I'm nowhere near closure because I can never forget those bad moments. I WANT TO OKAY. I WANT TO BADLY. I wish they'd stop haunting me. I wish I'd stop dreaming about them. I wish they'd stop popping into my mind every waking hour of my life. You bitches took away the only dream I had, my most prized possession. What the fuck is wrong with you people?!

AND YOU. YOU LEFT ME THERE TO DIE. What the fuck is wrong with you too. How could you do it. How could you promise me the world one minute, then turn your back on me the next and make me seem like the biggest fool of all centuries that have passed and will come. Now you're dating a Snow White!!! (No offence to her, but plenty for you) I don't know what else to say to you. Your actions have rendered me speechless. The ones you made when we were young, the ones you did when we were together, and the ones you chose since we broke up all the way till now.

I'm in this fucking ditch and albeit I've made progress, I don't know how to get out of it. I'm fucking running in bloody circles. Coming back to the same damn point every shitting time. It's as though I've missed a sign somewhere but I have no freaking clue what that sign is or where it even is. It sucks. Completely. I wonder every god damn day, why in hell am I still doing here?! I'm suppose to be long gone. This is a complete waste of my time. Why is it that after everything that I've done, everything that I've thought, everything that I've realised, everything that I've learnt, I AM STILL HERE. FML seriously. For some fucking reason, I'm here. AGAIN. Don't ask me to let go k. Because frankly I'm the one begging you now, LET ME GO. If he was sent to give me a second shot at life, then fine I accept it. I fully appreciate my second life so now please, let me enjoy it to the maximum and stop letting him hinder me from doing that. PLEASE REMOVE HIM. I don't care if you drive a car towards me and hit me down with it, and give me amnesia. I'd gladly lose all my memories of him. Just him okay. Keep all the rest. Anything that has a hint of being related to him, get rid of it. I bet my head will feel so light then that it might even fly.

I'm so tired right now that my eyes are shutting so I'm going to tie some stupid random shit just so as to give this a better ending and so that I'll end up dreaming of something real nice when I put this laptop away and plop my head onto my pillow. I'm going to get the 32GB white iTouch at the end of this month, and by the end of this year, I'm getting myself a Samantha Thavasa genuine leather bag. Then by June next year, I'll buy a white iPad 2. By the end of next year, I'll be getting a Mont Blanc watch. I'll probably ask Lex to get me a Burberry bag when he goes to HK next year. That depends though, because Burberry has been so commercialised now that it has pretty much lost its value in my heart. I know, it's so sad right. Oh well. I'm determined to go to Perth after 3 years. Right after my diploma. But to do so, I need to get the scholarship which means I'm going to have to work my ass off in school and in this world, I'll have to have no life. It's okay, I can accept that. I have my darling girlfriends, my shopping addiction and my nail polish collection. Life is good enough for me that way. Who ever said that I can never be pleased, I'm always greedy and never can be satisfied? Well whoever you are, EAT YOUR WORDS. Oh and yeah, I'm a cold-blooded freak.

Oooooh yeah... you've gotta love life.

Realisation

I guess I never really quite got what they had between each other. I was too blinded by rage and hurt (I don't think either of you will ever understand the pain that you've caused me) to take notice of anything else. I might have been the one who loved him the most, however I aren't the one he let deepest into his heart. As much similarities as we seemed to have, we had more differences. From our likes to our aspirations.

To be the perfect one in his eyes, can you believe that I was stupid enough to deny what I truly liked? All so as to fit into his society, his world. Well no surprise there actually, I had been preparing myself silently since I was... 12? I suppose it wasn't a well thought-out plan afterall as I followed my kiddy instincts, childish thoughts and immature assumptions.

Someone said to me, "You're too pretty to be single". I said: "No, I'm too pretty to be lied to, cheated on and played with." For 5 consecutive years of my life, I had never been alone for one instance. There was always someone there. Someone to fill in the void once it got emptied. Now, there's going to be a whole new change to that system. Part of my reason for doing so is because it is termed as 'the right thing to do' by society, albeit few actually do bother to follow the protocols as they just can't seem to resist the many temptations in life. Another part is that I've gotten use to being alone. It doesn't take much for one to come up with that much of determination. All it takes is a severely broken heart that can never seem to heal properly. Nothing much yeah? *shrugs*

I'll never forget the moment when I made my decision to quit working at Esprit. I simply couldn't seem to see eye-to-eye with the temporary supervisor that came over to the outlet where I worked at, to supervise things in a different store for about a month. I remember how I started to dread work, how I dragged my feet to work, how I always ended up being late for work for up to half an hour albeit I managed to get to work in the past with half that amount of preparation time, how I started finding all sorts of excuses to avoid work and when off-days finally arrived, I'd be SO DAMN HAPPY. Frankly, I struggled hard to come to that decision. However I was glad I did, as I realised how much more there was for me out there. I couldn't find contend in that little store, facing clothes and hangers and customers and colleagues with bad fashion taste everyday. (They really should watch more runway videos or get some fashion magazines or a tumblr) Now, I do still visit the store occasionally to either check out the latest collections or just to say hi.

Every time that I'm back, I'll get asked whether I'm finally attached (Hell knows why they always ask me that question! LOL) and whether I would wanna work at the store again. For both questions, I would always reply with a straight direct definite no. There are many more fishes out in the sea and much more water out in the ocean, I want a rainbow fish that swims in the ocean. Oh! That reminds me of Rainbow Connection (it's the name of a nail polish colour) from OPI's holiday collection 2011: The Muppets. #cannotwaittogetitwithjoey

Anyway back to my initial topic, in every girl's heart, there will be a guy who lives in it always. For me, it's you. Sadly for me, I've finally realised that the one living in your heart isn't me and it will never be me.

So I'll be on my way at long last. There will be no turning back allowed.

RESOLUTION (14.10.2011)

Here is a resolution made by me on this very day, 14th of October, year 2011, at 16.03: "I WILL BE PUNCTUAL, IN FACT 5 MINUTES EARLY, FOR EVERY PRACTICAL DRIVING LESSON AND MY DRIVING TEST UNTIL I'VE GOTTEN MY OFFICIAL DRIVING LICENSE."

Solemnly declared by, me.

Life has been pretty good to me, so far

Actually, it doesn't come off as much of a surprise that life has been good to me. I've been staying off the path of D-R-A-M-A, and anyone who might possibly bring shit into my life has been driven away by me. In the course of turning them away, I might have unintentionally broke a few hearts, made a few people upset, angered a couple of them... however such consequences are unfortunately inevitable. In fact, I'm guessing that the reason why I've been pretty anal to buddy is because he is really dramatic and every so often, he has to stir up some kinda shit (be it intended or not) and seriously, I hate drama. All I want is a quiet peaceful life. I want the life of a normal girl. One which I hadn't had before. If you think it's too much to ask for, then shit you because it's everything that I am asking for at this moment.

It feels good to not have to worry about who I'm gonna marry in the future, what age am I gonna get married, how is my future in-laws going to be like, how is my future life going to be like, will I have financial difficulties then, what car will he have, what kind of house will we live in (HDB, condo, terrace, semi-D, bungalow?), will I be required have a life overseas with him, how many kids will I have, what gender will my kids be, how will they be like, will I be working then or will I be a full-time housewife/mother? It feels really good to no longer have to fret over such girly questions. My head is no longer filled with all these girly dreams/girly worries. Anything that has to do with HIM is thrown out the window and the windows have been shut tight. It feels good to know that I don't have to worry about such things because 1. I'm not afraid of living the rest of my life alone, 2. I'm independent enough to support myself financially (and that includes all my shopping sprees), 3. Fuck marriage, fuck men. Other than work, the thing that is in my head nowadays is what new material goods should I get? LOL. I told you already, life is good for me.

My plans so far are a Mont Blanc watch, a Samantha Thavasa genuine leather (possibly calf leather) bag, a Givenchy wallet, and definitely the latest Apple iTouch in white. The Creative ZEN mp4 that Kenny bought for me as my 16th birthday present, has finally lived past it's lifespan. It has crashed to the extend that it is beyond recovery mode. I think it has something to do with the fact that I might have accidentally pressed the reformat button more times than required and I might have incidentally held onto the button longer than I should have. Anyway, I GET TO BUY MYSELF A NEW DIGITAL MUSIC-PLAYING DEVICE! Hip hip hooray! And it's gonna be pretty white rather than ugly black. Gosh I'm so shallow! But I like! HAHA!

Yesterday (it is currently 3:23AM) turned out to be a pretty fine day, except for the minor setback caused by my darling elder sister. In the middle of my tuition class with Janell and Janissa, my sister sent me a picture which got me really fired up. I roar-ed at her because seriously, someone had to tell her that she has got to stop reminding me of him.



I don't know why Shin said that this is sweet because from my point of view, it isn't sweet AT ALL. I guess it's due to the perspective that I'm reading it from. The green portion being from Kenny and the white being from my sister. In case you're wondering, no it isn't an extract between their conversation. It's probably some picture my sister saw off somewhere in the internet and was idiotic enough to send it to me. Anyway, please tell me, how can I not get mad after reading that?! No one dares to mention his name infront of me or to me, and my freaking elder sister dishes it out so easily all the time. Makes me wanna strangle her. Thank goodness that she wasn't anywhere near me or I would definitely have stormed up to her, screamed my head off at her, and possibly wrapped my long fingers around her slender neck.

People have truly got to stop saying his name around me, or I might just run off and hide in some foreign country just so as to avoid hearing his name ever again. I can't possibly get over a guy and much less forget him, if my environment and the people around me keep on reminding me of him. I've already torn up all the pictures I have of him, kept the bunny he won for me at the arcade on a high shelf in my wardrobe, deleted his contact from my phone, blocked him on
Facebook, deleted all the pictures I have of him from my (broken) mp4, my phone, my laptop, oh and now there's an addition to the list: I crashed the mp4 he gave me as my 16th birthday present. I really don't don't don't need anymore reminders of him. The ones that I have of him in my freaking brain are already giving me a huge headache so PLEASE do me a favour and stop adding any more burdens to my already heavy shoulders.

I indulge in shopping because yes I do enjoy it, and also because that's how I deal with my pain, that's how I deal with reality. Go on and call me a 'shopaholic'. I've got the money to support my shopping sprees so what say you now? I paint my nails because yes I like it and also because I'm vain. I buy luxury goods because I love the sound of it and also because I know they'll never stab me in my back with a short dagger.

One day, when I see Kenny again, I will proudly brandish myself, and my luxury goods. (Oh c'mon, you knew I was gonna add in that last bit!) A girl has got to show what she's worth, from everything about her to everything she owns (inside and outside). I'm gonna stick it in his face: "Hey dude, this is all that you've missed out on. Sucks to be you." (I wanted to say 'fuck your life' however it doesn't seem very classy and ladylike, hence I chose the other)

After berating my sister for her choice of action, she told me her point of view and frankly, I can understand it even though I don't really agree with it. Among all the temptations out there, I chose him. He should have been contended but no, he wasn't. And so, now he has to suffer. Hey Shin, remember that curse I laid for him back when I scattered bits of his pictures all over AMK Hub? Hmmmmm as a Buddhist, I'm not suppose to curse anyone but hey, I'm still a woman... And it's not like I cursed for him to die or get a terminal illness. All I did was ask for him to be taught a great big fat good lesson, so that he can freaking grow up and come back to me. Okay I'm just kidding about that last part. Then again, actually not really. I'd say 50-50. My mind and my heart are of equal balance on this case.

I've been blogging for over an hour already and this has turned out to be quite a lengthy entry even though I was planning for a moderate one when I first started. I guess I made a right choice when I decided to turn up the privacy notch for my blog. This freedom to express my thoughts and not worry about the judgemental prying eyes of others, it brings a formerly unknown jubilation to my heart and my mind. The inability to speak as I like, it's terrible. So much for the declaration of human rights huh? I guess that is why we attended Civics and Moral Education since we were in preschool. It's purpose is to fuck our mind and tell us that even though we are technically allowed to speak as we like, we shouldn't due to this shitting thing called 'society'.

I'm going to bed. I might be getting my provisional driving license later in the morning, and also sign up for practical driving lessons, that is if my parents remember the appointment I had with them to do all of the above mentioned. No classes today as I cancelled it to meet my JC babes for bulgogi in the night. I've been craving for Korean BBQ since 2 weeks ago!!!

Life is good!


P.S. That photo at the start of this entry, it's me featuring his trademark candid expression. From the looks of it, I can pull it off better than him now. Ha! FHL.

Formalities and pathetic jokes

The night before this, I had a crazy fight with buddy (again). While we were searching for a resolution towards our vicious cycle of endless arguments, he made me realise one thing: no one ever knew that when I conjured an apology that is filled with formalities and pathetic jokes, it actually means that I can't be more sorry than I ever have and will be.

I doubt you'll probably ever forget how I forced you to go to all that social functions/appearances with me. And everytime after it has ended, and we get a moment for ourselves, that is when you'd lash it all out on me. Actually you would already start showing me a black face from the moment we get to the venue, just to emphasise that you are unhappy and you are very much unwilling to be at that place right then.

Hell knows why I never learnt from those many times you berated me, and I still continued to force you to attend those stupid things with me although I knew you wouldn't like it and would scream at me after it ends. I guess it's because I wanted your attention, even if it was the worst possible way that any girlfriend should be asking for. Or maybe it was also because I was still a child then? As ready as I had looked like, I guess I wasn't that ready afterall... Remember that day when we were in your room on your bed when talking things out as we tried to search for a solution to that mess which caused our break-up? Out of the blue you asked me to marry you, I was stunned, remember? Instead of crying out loud a mono-syllabus "YES!", I actually said 4 words, "What about your mom?". LOL. Like what kind of an answer was that?! That was a moment that I had been dreaming of for as long as I can remember, and... I don't know, things just didn't turned out the way I wanted, I didn't say the word that I had always dreamed of saying, we didn't end up getting a proper solution to our problems. We I chose the easy way out, and that was to run. I can't say that I regret doing it, because one thing has led to another, and if I were to regret having ran, then I'd be regretting who I am right now which I actually don't.

In season 3 episode 2 of Glee, one of the lines of Shelby Corcoran was this: "First step to being an adult: Stop punishing yourself for the things you did when you were a child." I want to forgive myself for how I forced you to attend those dumb social things, but I can't do it if you don't forgive me. Since we broke up, I kept thinking — why wouldn't he forgive me even though I've already bowed down and given him the most sincere apology that could ever come from me. And only the night before, I got my answer. It's because you never knew that I don't know how to apologise.

I suck at apologies. When I know that I am responsible for screwing up things with someone whom I care about, I get all nervous. So when I'm composing my apologies, it would normally comprise of formalities and pathetic jokes. Formalities because I want to tell you that I do still respect you, a lot. Pathetic jokes because all I want is for things to be better, so I add stupid senseless jokes, hoping to lighten up the dull and serious mood. When I come up with a brilliant apology that is your definition of sincere, it actually means that I didn't really mean it when I was saying sorry, I was mainly saying it for the sake of saying it, so yes that apology aren't a bit sincere at all. I'm good at coming up with that crap. I blame literature and the media.

You'll probably never see this entry, and I don't know if I'll ever get a chance to tell you any of these stuff that is written here. If I don't ever get a chance to while I'm still alive, then it will be my greatest regret in this lifetime. So yeap, that is all I have to say for now.



P.S. Have you ever heard that anything composed after 2am is very embarrassing and stupid, however those words are actually the most truthful ones that can ever come out of a person? It's 3.34am now by the way, just so you know.