"Everytime that I'm with my friends without Mike being there, if I call him I often ask suspiciously where he is, what he is doing, and whether he is cheating on me.
And without fail anyone who overhears my conversation will be like "OMG how can you not trust your own husband?"
LOL. I don't. Why should I? Name me ONE upside to blindly trusting ANYBODY. And my attitude has nothing to do with Mike. I'd explain.
Just look at all those who have suffered from being cheated upon. What do they say?
They say things like...
"I can't believe he would do this to me."
"I can't believe he has been sleeping with her for 4 freaking months and I didn't even know! How was I so blind and stupid?"
"All those times he said he was on a company dinner there was no dinner! I believed him for 18 freaking times and he went prostituting ALL THOSE TIMES!"
and most commonly of all...
"I can't believe I trusted him."
And this doesn't just apply to cheating. What about all those girls with sex tapes leaked out by their ex boyfriends? You think they are stupid and they trusted the wrong dudes? That your partner will NEVER do that to you? That you are the clever one? Wake up. I've seen the MOST unlikely men cheat.
Cecilia Cheung trusted Edison Chen to never show the close-up shots of her long-haired vagina to anyone. And there is it, on the net, forever. Sure he didn't mean to distribute it - but if she never trusted that he could safekeep it forever, this would never have happened to her.
So back to me and my attitude towards trust. It seems silly to me that people put so much heart into that little word. They say "He would never hurt me. I just know. I trust him."
And I think... So what if you don't? Is it a bad thing, really? Is that supposed to be an insult on his character? Is he supposed to be ANGRY?
Nothing to be angry about what. Everyone needs to safeguard their self-interests.
You say you trust someone... To what extent do you do that? Do you give him your bank password? Would you let him do a video tour of your genitalia? Would you place him and Megan Fox on a deserted island with a condom? Probably not. Nobody trusts ANYBODY that much, unless they are completely naive.
As for me, I trust that Mike will never choose a banana over an orange. Because he hates bananas and these things don't change. I'm willing to put a $1,000 bet on it. But probably not my whole fortune.
I trust (not 100% but maybe 95%) that Mike will not, for example, see a girl at some event and go ask for her phone number. Because I know his character is shy and he is afraid someone might see him do this and report to me. But if he is drunk... Who knows?
Trust is such a funny thing. People always say it needs to be earned, needs to be built.
After some time of interacting with something, certain things can be depended on.
Like I trust that my blackberry will push my emails on time because it has never once failed to do it in 2 years. I trust that my McChicken will taste the same as it has always tasted.
Over the course of 5 years, never once has Mike flirted back with girls who show interest in him, whether online or in real life. Yet I don't trust that he would never cheat on me. Why?
1) People change. Today he is madly in love with you. Tomorrow he is bored. The next day he is bored AND drunk. Day after that he is bored, drunk, horny and had a fight with you. Who knows? The only thing you can depend on is... People change with time. Even if their personalities remain identical, their feelings towards you might change.
2) Circumstances change. Sure, in these 5 years Mike has never met a girl he liked so much he is willing to give up everything with me. Tomorrow... Who knows? If he meets and gets to know 1,000,000 girls, there has got to one he finds is better than me, no matter how much he loves me. Right?
3) Consequences are bigger. And this is the best reason not to trust that your partner will not stray. CONSEQUENCES. It is my fucking heart at stake here! And my marriage! It is easy to trust when the consequences are small. I pay $2 to my usual chicken rice stall because I trust it will be yummy as always. Not yummy no big deal, I'd buy from another stall - net loss $2 and some time.
But if I believe Mike will never stray, when he does, I'm gonna be fucked.
You are shaking your head, thinking, "You dumb blonde, even if you don't trust, either way you are fucked. If it happens it happens!"
You are wrong. Sure, I'd still be heartbroken. But wait...
I know I've mentioned this many times.
When you remain vigilant about your partners actions, you are working hard to PREVENT him from committing a mistake. He knows you are checking his phone - there goes flirty smses. He knows you have all his passwords - can't woo girls online.
If you know where he is every minute, he can't go to a hotel without arousing your suspicion. Sure he can work his way around all these but it is hard work. That's another deterrent. If he is willing to do all that to cheat, so be it. But I sure won't make it easy for him.
He wants to go to a dirty KTV bar with his gross colleague. He swears he won't do anything with the girls there. Put your foot down and don't allow! You want to trust he won't get a hooker or prevent him from meeting one? Which has worse consequences? Explain to him why it makes you uncomfortable, then placate him with a blowjob.
And if you find out some chick is mildly interested, you confront her, shame her, threaten her. You puff up your feathers and make sure she knows you will not go in peace. Worse come to worst you be nice to her so she gets so guilty she stops her nonsense.
When you are so suspicious, won't it piss him off?
If he has nothing to hide, he would not get angry. Obviously I don't do my routine checking in an awful way. I just log in to his fb, take up his phone to read when he is sleeping. He doesn't even know. If your man gets annoyed, it is the first sign that he IS possibly cheating on you. Maybe not full out cheating, but flirting, yes. Or that he wants to be able to. He is probably hiding something. Am I paranoid? Maybe. But from personal dating experience, those demanding privacy and space are the exact ones who are cheating.
Mike has never once got angry with me when I checked his phone or facebook. "Go ahead," he says. "You are just wasting your time." And he is right, I was. And he reads my shit too, in case you think this only goes one way.
Cheating is just like cancer - you want to win it, you've got to find out early. Half the battle is won when you kill the sapling before it turns into a full grown weed, throttling your relationship.
If he is just at the "getting to know" stage with some girl - you find out, you have a talk with him to resolve things. Make sure he won't see her again. You want to wait till he is in love? Too late.
If he is already sleeping with someone else, when you find out you can plan your next step. If you are married, you can hire a PI - submit evidence to court and get half his fortune. Cease sleeping with him in case you get some disease. Cut off his penis. Or forgive him, depending on the severity of his crime.
Why, do you want to wait till he had an affair for months and impregnated the slut before you say "OMGWTFBBQ KILL ME NOW MY KID HAS A STEP SIBLING AND I HAVE AIDS"?
Some of you might be saying... Why work so hard to prevent that seems unavoidable? If he cheats, he won't be worth it anyway.
Rubbish. ALL men would cheat if there are no consequences. I sincerely believe that. Some don't because they don't wanna hurt us. Some because they are scared of losing us. Some because of kids, social ramifications, anything.
Most commonly of all, men cheat because they made a mistake, thinking with their penis, enjoying the attention - THINKING THEY WON'T BE CAUGHT.
And when you blindly trust, that's when they are most certain they will never get caught.
Every few days I remind Mike how his life will be like if he is dumb enough to cheat. And I WILL find out. Money be gone/he will never find someone as good as me again/penis cut etc. Just in case he forgets.
I'm sure a lot of you don't agree with my school of thought, saying, "You must be all sad, paranoid and worrisome all the time. That's not how love is supposed to be like. I pity Mike."
LOL duncha worry. Mike and I are happy and in love.
Obviously I *do* trust him because he is a good man with principles. But just not enough to 1) fully believe he will NEVER cheat and 2) not do my best to try to prevent it from happening.
If the day comes and he strays, I'd say "Oh well at least I tried my best. And at least I was not duped for ages."
What do you think? Do you trust your partner?
Those of you who got cheated on, did you trust your partner? Do you still trust now?"
Best advice ever given.
And for the question she wrote at the end of the entry: Yes I did trust him. And no, I don't trust him, and I CAN'T trust anyone NOW.
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