Lately, people around me have been asking
"Are you okay?" or they've been saying
"Take things easy okay?". Peeps, chill. I'm really alright, and I'm taking things super easily. I've gone through things far worst than this. Although I must admit that this is one of the most difficult periods in my life but I'm still capable of living through it. Thanks for the many concerns though. You've all been
awesome!
Its just that I'm rather confused about things right now. Very often, I would be thinking about one thing from one perspective and out of nowhere, I would get another thought about the same issue but from a different perspective and thus, it jumbles up my thoughts completely. Its like a game of
Scrabble, my thoughts are the pieces of letters, taking for eg. the letters U-T-D-S-Y. By arranging the letters in one way, you get the word D-U-S-T-Y, yet when you arrange it another way, you get a completely different way, S-T-U-D-Y. Its the same thing for my thoughts, they are all scrambled up, and each time I try to piece them together, I get a whole new way of viewing things and it gets me confused because I do not know from which point of view should I see things from. Seriously, I wish that life isn't so complicated. Is there like a simplified version of life? Or perhaps a manual to read and study from?
PLEASE do not tell me the bible. I'm not a Christian. I'm a
Buddhist and even so, I refuse to read those buddhism books of enlightenment because its brain-washing materials to me. It'll simply confuse me even further, and I am pretty confused already, so no thank you. I prefer to work out my own way/method of dealing with things, of looking at things, or else everything will just appear to be like a facade to me. I welcome advices though. Gives me more perspectives to look at things from. (:
I've kept almost everything which would remind me of him, but still, I can't keep everything and so, traces of him still lie around in my everyday life. I've kept our promise ring, his photos in my wallet (except for the 2 strips of neo-prints which we took last year on my birthday because compared to all the others, it clearly dictates the strong love between us back then..), the necklace he got me this Valentine's Day, I hardly use my camera now because majority of the pictures in my gallery are him, and I chucked and hid whatever I could. But still.. There are still so many things lying around which reminds me of him. From my mp4 which I rely on a almost-daily basis because it is my #1 companion during those long and lonely bus rides home from school, Entei (my plushie-tiger pencilcase) which he got me as a birthday present last year, the pen I use to write in school everyday was introduced to me by him, his pencil, my phone because I'm not used to not seeing your name whenever it vibrates and especially because it hardly even vibrates lately, my yellow
bunny which I hug to sleep every night, his tee-shirts which I still wear to sleep every night and every other little thing... I got him so involved in my life that practically everything reminds me of him because he has made comments about almost everything before, and behind everything lies a story which has his participation in it. I can't deny the fact that I still miss him, I still long for him and I still think about him, and thinking about him still causes my heart to jump a beat before aching a little. Even when the teachers in school mention
Hwa Chong in one of their passing remarks during lesson time, I can't help but wince a little when I hear it because it reminds me of him. It appears that I've got to get use to being reminded of him because his existence is deeply etched into my life and it is impossible to remove every single trace of him. I've already screwed up my common tests because of him, I can't possibly screw my mid-years as well. I'm already pulling myself up together even though its so so so so so
hard.
I'm smiling hard in my life, willing every bit of happiness out of me, and making full use of every distraction available around me. Life still goes on even if I feel like shit. I might be having a bad heart-break at this time, but somewhere in another part of this world, there is another person who is having an even worst heart-break compared to mine, and imagine this, you live in a LDC, your family is shitty poor, your country can't afford basic decent water treatment for its people and if you want to have clean water, you need to pay for the water treatment yourself and so you end up having malaria twice or thrice every week, and then you're dating a rich boy who's family is capable of affording the water treatment, the boy loves you like mad initially and you were his whole world to him much like he was yours, the two of you deep in love, and
one day, out of the blue, he just tells you that he doesn't love you anymore and he wants to break up with you. Hence, all your dreams shatter, your
"happily-ever-after" future vanishes into thin air, all your hopes just go 'pop' like a balloon when it is being pricked by a sharp needle, and most importantly, there goes your supply of clean water!! So it means that you're going back to the malaria-days. Imagine how shitty that is. You get your heart-broken and then you're down with some severe disease as well, and then your whole family's dreams shatter along with yours because they were depending on that supply of clean water as well! Right, I'm digressing but just picture all of that happening, and compare it to me, I'm obviously leading a much better life. He might have been my sun in the past, but he no longer is. I've got no sun now, I'm my own moon, and this moon is waiting for the next sun in her life to appear, hoping that the next sun would also be the last sun!!! Haha.. And with the arrival of my next sun, he would help me to glow radiantly in the dark again, through the reflection of his sun rays.
Gosh, I've mixed general paper and science with love. An odd but acceptable concept. Haha.
I shall end this entry here. Let's hope I'll be hardworking enough to post up pictures and videos taken during the day-out with my JC girlfriends during the march holidays.
Xoxo.
