The Last Strand
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
When I hit the 'send' button, I could see myself holding a pair of scissors, snipping away the last strands of our fragmented friendship. I really thought that the least we could be, were friends. However, it was a mission that proved itself to be impossible. Once again, I'm saying the same old phrase, 'I never wanted this to happen.'
For months, I tolerated with your attitude, with your nastiness, with your biasness. For each time you treated me coldly/meanly, I cried. My already broken heart would break another time. My heart is so broken that it equivalent to having thrown a china vase onto the floor, then picking up the pieces and throwing it onto the floor again, making sure that it is shattered to the extent that the pieces are so small, so small that they cannot further divide themselves.
Friendship and love, two conflicting issues. They can never work side by side, just like the angel and the devil. They co-exist, they are co-related, but they can never co-operate with each other. Perhaps to others, friendship seems like the one with the higher probability, but to me, love is further away from zero.
If you ask me, "Are you sure about this?"
My answer to you, is "No, I aren't sure at all."
You may ask, "Why are you doing it then?"
My reply, "Because either way kills and so I'll take the more painful path."
"Do you really not want the friendship anymore?"
What a ridiculous question. How can I not want it. In fact, I would do anything to have it. Sadly, I don't know what to do. Not anymore. I am out of ideas, I am out of strength. What's left of me is an empty carcass. I am worst than a robot because at least robots are devoid of emotions but have immense amount of strength. Me? I have been vacant of both emotions and strength. I told you before, I am just a mere mortal.
I never had a choice. Don't tell me stupid stuff such as 'How can you possibly not have a choice? There were so many choices placed infront of you.' Seriously, shut up. If the choices placed infront of me were unrealistic, how can they still be termed as 'choices'. Those are ruthless demands. It is no different from being thrown into a labyrinth without any exits, and with every five steps you take, there is either a deadly booby trap or a minotaur. So really, death seems like the only way out. That is, unless you can fly.
Maybe, just maybe, I will really grow wings one day...
I want our friendship. But if I have to accept all your freaking conditions and fucked-up attitude, than I rather not have it at all. My patience and tolerance is not unlimited, they do have a limit. Yes, to love is to give. But to love does not equate to tolerating with all your nuisance. Life isn't fair. But I was hoping that you were... I gave you all of me, and I will still be giving you, all of me.
Each step that we took, it seems to be a wrong one. Each step that we take, it seems that it is gonna be a wrong one. I am out of energy already. I don't know about you, but I am gonna take a break. To refresh myself and to allow the fog to clear a little, and perhaps I will be able to better see the path ahead and then decide which one I should take. If the rain pours, then let it pour.. Because our eyes needs to be washed by our tears once in awhile, so that we can see life with a clearer view again.
Happy Birthday.
For months, I tolerated with your attitude, with your nastiness, with your biasness. For each time you treated me coldly/meanly, I cried. My already broken heart would break another time. My heart is so broken that it equivalent to having thrown a china vase onto the floor, then picking up the pieces and throwing it onto the floor again, making sure that it is shattered to the extent that the pieces are so small, so small that they cannot further divide themselves.
Friendship and love, two conflicting issues. They can never work side by side, just like the angel and the devil. They co-exist, they are co-related, but they can never co-operate with each other. Perhaps to others, friendship seems like the one with the higher probability, but to me, love is further away from zero.
If you ask me, "Are you sure about this?"
My answer to you, is "No, I aren't sure at all."
You may ask, "Why are you doing it then?"
My reply, "Because either way kills and so I'll take the more painful path."
"Do you really not want the friendship anymore?"
What a ridiculous question. How can I not want it. In fact, I would do anything to have it. Sadly, I don't know what to do. Not anymore. I am out of ideas, I am out of strength. What's left of me is an empty carcass. I am worst than a robot because at least robots are devoid of emotions but have immense amount of strength. Me? I have been vacant of both emotions and strength. I told you before, I am just a mere mortal.
I never had a choice. Don't tell me stupid stuff such as 'How can you possibly not have a choice? There were so many choices placed infront of you.' Seriously, shut up. If the choices placed infront of me were unrealistic, how can they still be termed as 'choices'. Those are ruthless demands. It is no different from being thrown into a labyrinth without any exits, and with every five steps you take, there is either a deadly booby trap or a minotaur. So really, death seems like the only way out. That is, unless you can fly.
Maybe, just maybe, I will really grow wings one day...
I want our friendship. But if I have to accept all your freaking conditions and fucked-up attitude, than I rather not have it at all. My patience and tolerance is not unlimited, they do have a limit. Yes, to love is to give. But to love does not equate to tolerating with all your nuisance. Life isn't fair. But I was hoping that you were... I gave you all of me, and I will still be giving you, all of me.
Each step that we took, it seems to be a wrong one. Each step that we take, it seems that it is gonna be a wrong one. I am out of energy already. I don't know about you, but I am gonna take a break. To refresh myself and to allow the fog to clear a little, and perhaps I will be able to better see the path ahead and then decide which one I should take. If the rain pours, then let it pour.. Because our eyes needs to be washed by our tears once in awhile, so that we can see life with a clearer view again.
Happy Birthday.
Controversial breaking point
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
I think my scariest moments are not when I am furious, but instead, they are when my mind plunges itself into a deep state of thought. I am able to think and comprehend clearly, unlike the usual haze and road-blocks which hinders my path of thought. I don't need directions, I don't need maps, I don't need compasses. I am pulled by this invisible cord, to go forward. To walk a path for which no future can be seen. But for some unknown reason why, it's okay.
I can feel it now. This is my breaking point. Like the edge on a cliff. Like the boiling point on a thermometer. Like the sharp blade on a knife. My breaking point.
Everything is a complete controversy. I see it now. I see my breaking point. I am here.
It was never your fault. It was always mine. I am sorry for everything.
I can feel it now. This is my breaking point. Like the edge on a cliff. Like the boiling point on a thermometer. Like the sharp blade on a knife. My breaking point.
Everything is a complete controversy. I see it now. I see my breaking point. I am here.
It was never your fault. It was always mine. I am sorry for everything.
Flying up high
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Bibles give you the definition of love. Sutras give you the definition of love. But you may ask, what exactly is love? Go conduct a random sample of let's say, a sample size of 10, and you will get 10 different answers. Because for everyone, they have their own evaluation about love. Hence, logically, there is no exact definition for love, as there isn't one which we can pin on everyone and anyone, and say that it is the same. Some may say that if love cannot be defined, then how come I can search for it on dictionary.com and get a definition for it? My dear friend, read the 'definitions' carefully, comprehend it correctly, and you will realise that those so-called 'definitions' aren't definitions at all. Instead, they are more of a description of what love is.
I have been walking back and forth on this path so many times that I have lost count already. And while walking back and forth all these time, I have been deliberating over one single issue, which sadly, I have yet to come to a conclusion. I have evaluated again and again, yet I am still nowhere near the end. If it was written as an essay, I think my essay would turn out to be more of a book. Or perhaps, a series of books. A friend told me that I have actually come to a conclusion, yet somehow I refuse to put that little dot on my essay, and so I continue clutching onto my pen, scribbling away at my 'endless' essay, penning down evaluations which would score me no marks and perhaps even get me a big red cross if the essay was ever being marked by an examiner. A big red cross not because I am wrong, but because the extra evaluation is not necessary and hence, out of annoyance, the examiner gave me a big red 'X'. Perhaps I lack the confidence and faith in myself to put that tiny dot on my essay, to put an end my thoughts, to put a conclusion to the issue. Thus, it explains why I am constantly walking back and forth on the same path. My friend says that it is okay though, because if I truly had such unwavering faith, then I wouldn't be human and it wouldn't be love. Then again, they say that 'a conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking', which goes to say that however tired I may be from thinking, I am not exhausted yet, and therefore the reason why I seem to be unable to come to a conclusion.
It is funny how everyone thinks that things would work out in the end. It is funny how everyone assumes that things will work out in the end. It is funny how everyone expects things to work out in the end. Honestly, ask yourself. Has anything ever worked out without any effort put in? Do you expect yourself to score full marks for a test which you did not study for? Well, that is unless if you are a brain genius. The same mentality is applied to everything else in life. If you do not work for it, it will never be yours, and things will of course not work out. The other funny thing is that people always expect another person to go work the problem out, and then they will somehow reap the benefits in the end. That is utter bull. And, how can you expect someone else to do something which you are involved in too? Before anything else, where on earth did you get the thought that someone else must initiate the first steps to working out a problem? Oh right, I almost forgot. You were born with it. Seriously, that is the lamest excuse I have ever heard in all my lifetimes summed up together. In addition, you conveniently push the blame to the other person when no solution is being produced. Hello! This aren't a math question, which the examiner asks you to reject one of the two following answers and give a reason for your rejection. How many brain cells do you expect me to have? An average human being has only 50-100 billion neurons in his/her brain. Excluding the ones which might have possibly been burnt away by fevers. I am no exception okay. It takes two hands to clap, it takes two people to work out a problem. You can't expect me to do it alone. The problem will forever lie in between us, unsolved. Until you, are willing to work hand-in-hand with me to find a solution. Yes, you are superman. But I aren't superwoman you know, however hard I may wish to be though.
Someday, I will grow wings and I will soar up high. And when I do, I wanna take you along with me. We will touch the clouds and steal the stars. We will live up high in the skies, which is where our paradise lies. Together, we will be flying up high.
I have been walking back and forth on this path so many times that I have lost count already. And while walking back and forth all these time, I have been deliberating over one single issue, which sadly, I have yet to come to a conclusion. I have evaluated again and again, yet I am still nowhere near the end. If it was written as an essay, I think my essay would turn out to be more of a book. Or perhaps, a series of books. A friend told me that I have actually come to a conclusion, yet somehow I refuse to put that little dot on my essay, and so I continue clutching onto my pen, scribbling away at my 'endless' essay, penning down evaluations which would score me no marks and perhaps even get me a big red cross if the essay was ever being marked by an examiner. A big red cross not because I am wrong, but because the extra evaluation is not necessary and hence, out of annoyance, the examiner gave me a big red 'X'. Perhaps I lack the confidence and faith in myself to put that tiny dot on my essay, to put an end my thoughts, to put a conclusion to the issue. Thus, it explains why I am constantly walking back and forth on the same path. My friend says that it is okay though, because if I truly had such unwavering faith, then I wouldn't be human and it wouldn't be love. Then again, they say that 'a conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking', which goes to say that however tired I may be from thinking, I am not exhausted yet, and therefore the reason why I seem to be unable to come to a conclusion.
It is funny how everyone thinks that things would work out in the end. It is funny how everyone assumes that things will work out in the end. It is funny how everyone expects things to work out in the end. Honestly, ask yourself. Has anything ever worked out without any effort put in? Do you expect yourself to score full marks for a test which you did not study for? Well, that is unless if you are a brain genius. The same mentality is applied to everything else in life. If you do not work for it, it will never be yours, and things will of course not work out. The other funny thing is that people always expect another person to go work the problem out, and then they will somehow reap the benefits in the end. That is utter bull. And, how can you expect someone else to do something which you are involved in too? Before anything else, where on earth did you get the thought that someone else must initiate the first steps to working out a problem? Oh right, I almost forgot. You were born with it. Seriously, that is the lamest excuse I have ever heard in all my lifetimes summed up together. In addition, you conveniently push the blame to the other person when no solution is being produced. Hello! This aren't a math question, which the examiner asks you to reject one of the two following answers and give a reason for your rejection. How many brain cells do you expect me to have? An average human being has only 50-100 billion neurons in his/her brain. Excluding the ones which might have possibly been burnt away by fevers. I am no exception okay. It takes two hands to clap, it takes two people to work out a problem. You can't expect me to do it alone. The problem will forever lie in between us, unsolved. Until you, are willing to work hand-in-hand with me to find a solution. Yes, you are superman. But I aren't superwoman you know, however hard I may wish to be though.
Call me a fool, and I'll say that I am being courageous. I am standing up for something I want, something I will fight for till the time has really come for me to put all my pens down. It isn't that I am not scared, in fact I am terrified, but without trying, then will I be a failure. I am not a failure. And hence, I ate a lion's heart and now I am aiming for superman's heart, not to eat but for keeps. Everything is always okay in the end, if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end. This is why my fingers are still kept crossed and why the flame has yet to be extinguished."Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear." — Mark Twain
Someday, I will grow wings and I will soar up high. And when I do, I wanna take you along with me. We will touch the clouds and steal the stars. We will live up high in the skies, which is where our paradise lies. Together, we will be flying up high.
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