The Letter

Exactly 1 year ago, you wrote me a letter when you were in France. Today, 1 year later, while rummaging through my inbox, I found that letter and I read it again. I wonder, with what kind of emotions and feelings, did you use to pen that letter down? Every word was made of sugar and coated with honey, they were so sweet and delectable that it made the events that have happened seem like such an unpredictable and ironical tragedy.

From the title of the letter to the contents and lastly your sign-off, all of it hit me hard in my mind and in my heart. There is only one word which I have to describe my current emotions — Confusion.

The Test

I'm not gonna run anymore

Alright, don't get me wrong. The picture quote above has nothing to do with what I am about to say. It is simply just there to umm.. brighten up the entry? Add a little more colours? Ya dah ya dah, you get what I mean. It's so boring for an entry to be just black and white. Too solemn as well. Actually, this IS suppose to be a solemn entry but I suppose it is due to the fact that it is 5.03AM in the morning right now and I haven't slept for the past.. 17hours? So I am a little high, which I technically am not suppose to be because this is suppose to be a solemn entry remember? But okay, I'll get this over and done with so that one day when I read my past entries again, I can recall about the day that I stopped running away.

For the past couple of weeks, I have been running away, avoiding, restraining myself and etc. I just didn't want to face that something which I wasn't ready to deal with. I guess it was due to this ridiculous fear that was generated in me, fuel-ed by what I don't know. I did everything I could to stay away from fb, twitter, MSN, hotmail; it was as though they would explode if I went anywhere near them. I kept myself occupied with online games, videos, books, television... I just didn't want to even think about it! I knew that if I allowed myself to even think about it when I wasn't ready to face it, I would simply end up being all moody and in tears. And today! I faced all of it. And I am so proud of myself!!

I am still not sure what I was afraid of, but.. I know I will be better because I've got Honey (:

P.S. I know this entry probably doesn't make any sense to you, but well, it does to me. Ha!

Honey and Apples

Vegetarian vermicelli to fill the stomach, vodka to soothe the throat and apples to please the tongue. ♥

Safe, dark, motionless, airless

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung, and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully around hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

— C.S. Lewis

I learnt the hard way that some things in life are just impossible. Perhaps you are also just one of those many impossibles that would appear in my life. I admit that I got shaken by you. But before I become a fool again, I will lock myself safe in my casket. Afterall, love doesn't exist.

Honestly what was I thinking? Dashing straight forward for that hint of light in the distance, hoping that it would somehow brighten up my dark world. Perhaps you are just a lamp-post, providing me light for just that moment. Not the sun that would shine brightly in my sky and bring light and life to everything in my world. I guess I was getting tired of living in the dark, hence resulting in the wrong judgement on my part. I guess I have been wishing too hard for that someone who is able to change my wrong mentality, to prove to me that love does exist in this cold and dark world. It's so cold.. I'm starting to freeze. Thanks for giving me warmth these past few days. But I suppose I am better off living in my casket, if it isn't mine to begin with.

I know I am being a coward and an ignorant idiot. Thanks for the compliment. I deserve it.

Responsibility VS Desire

I thought I was doing the right thing. Fulfilling a promise. Living up to my responsibility. Saving a life. But in return, I had to lie, I had to struggle to keep up to my lies, I had to feign my interest, I.. was practically killing myself.

The burden is so heavy, it is causing my shoulders to sag. I felt like running away. Even though I would probably be the first in history if I did so! My heart and my mind were screaming "NO!" at me.. However, I still forced myself to undergo that procedure which was suppose to be a happy one, and was instead filled with reluctance and guilt. I know it wasn't real. And I should just push it to the back of my mind. Afterall it made someone smile.. It made someone else really happy. But it didn't make me happy. It made me wanna run away even more. It made me wanna hide. It made me wanna vanish into thin air. Everything about it.. was just wrong.

I want so badly to tell you the truth. The truth that I am not happy when I am with you, that is why I am giving you the cold shoulder, that is why I am running away from you, that is why I am hiding from you. The person I am happy with is him. Because of him, I find myself laughing, I find myself smiling, at the most absurd things ever! However I can't.. because evidently I tried it today, and you went berserk. And so I had to tell more lies, just so you would calm down.. You know it too that we are impossible, yet you keep trying to stretch the boundary and exceed the limit. To be honest, I am counting the days till you leave for NS. So that once you are gone, I can be freed from the fucking prison that you are trying to lock me in. Well perhaps there is one thing that you do not know about me, I am free like the birds in the sky. Only one person can tie me down, and that person is most definitely not you. I will roam freely, I will soar freely, in the vast blue skies. 3 more days... I'll just have to hang in there for just 3 more days. I'll just have to put on a show for 3 more days, I'll just have to tell more lies for 3 more days.

You can stay in your fantasy world. But I'll bring him into my reality. Fuck to you and all your lunatic friends. For the first time ever, I can't wait to say goodbye to someone. Oh wait, I think this is perhaps the second time? The first time being the time I went out with someone else who totally disgusted me with the way he talked, act and ate, that I actually RAN in the opposite direction after I bid him farewell. Thank goodness I wouldn't have to run this time round (It is so unglamorous and sweaty!).

Who ever said that being nice is a fortunate thing, go bang your head against the wall please. Because being nice would only attract mental bruises, mental burdens and mental pain. I abhor being nice, especially to you.

Love and hate inextricably linked